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1.) Twitter has informed me there is a celebrity couple called “Cardi B” and “Offset” that has just had a child and, like, congratulations total strangers? But more importantly, these stage-names...

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Give a man a fish and yes, he will eat for a day. Set a greedy man loose with a boat and a net and no Coast Guard to stop him, he will eventually get rich but along the way, the fish will invaria...

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1.) That mash-up of ROCKY MOUNTAIN WAY and WELCOME TO THE MACHINE will be depressing but it’ll have one hell of a rhythm. 2.) Your HOUSE/BILL & TED crossover fan-fiction will have the running...

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Jack’s mother was a widow trying to hold onto her old family dairy farm and, while it still made enough money to keep Jack and his mother in food and clothes, the county executive was trying to c...

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I don’t believe in homeopathy, but I do believe in you. If water could actually have memory, it could only remember the dirt and the sky from whence water endlessly recycles. If the dirt could ha...

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Life is a twenty-piece order of Chicken McNuggets from the local McDonalds. Life turns out to be super cheap and kind of gross when you think about it and incredibly delicious in a crass sort of ...

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1.) The famous Wild West gunslinger Wild Bill Hitchcock didn’t move fast, as he was very fat but he always won the fight by being able to slowly fade in from his outline and pop in as a cameo out...

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Don’t hit on the cute girl in the Salvation Army, Mike, just don’t. Nothing good will come from this and you know it. Seriously, get yourself together, you know that nothing about that idea can p...

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Maybe the characters in the classic-rock-radio staple story-song “Piano Man” wouldn’t be so depressed if they didn’t have to listen to Billy Joel. Maybe this guy Davy is completely happy with his...

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In a thousand years, priests and scholars will still have their debates about history, whether they engage in holograms or in hovels, whether the arguments are in cave paintings or in non-fiction...

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1.) Your cartoon where Julia Roberts voices a black-widow spider will be called LOVE, EAT PREY. 2.) Ken Burns Jazz, Ken Burns Baseball, Ken Burns Vietnam, WHEN WILL WE STOP THIS ARSONIST NAMED KE...

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1.) The “Christian rock” genre is one of those American Paradoxes that seems completely insane from the outside without the context of how many times American culture has eaten its own tail. Sort...

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So, do you want the good news or the bad news? I figured, most want good news first. After that, though, do you want the bad news or the worse news? Should’ve assumed that too. I’ll just start. T...

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I often wonder about the people who ended up becoming the various parts of Frankenberry. You know, Frankenberry the breakfast mascot, along with Count Chocula and Boo Berry, part of the Holy Trin...

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1.) I love fireworks myself but I have enjoyed this being the 4th of July where everyone who hates fireworks “came out” on social media at once, actually. I don’t know why, I guess I dig witnessi...

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1.) Then there was of course the great British bandit couple Bonnie and Clive who famously nicked four Flake bars from the druggist’s and, during their escape, threw a toffee apple at the boot of...

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1.) It’s too bad D&D already claimed the word because we could totally call baby teeth “tieflings”. 2.) Your story about a rat with a drinking problem whose friends come together to sign it u...

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1.) I am the fluorescent lights in the kitchen, the fluorescent lights in the kitchen are me, the more humid it is, the less well we work. 2.) I like to think that Puff Daddy was whistling at a u...

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1.) Your parody of “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” about bigamists will be a huge hit on BYU’s college radio station. 2.) Put helping people, just helping people, above tribalism, above economic tri...

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1.) Your movie about a zombie racing league started in Arizona after the zombie apocalypse is mostly controlled will be called DEAD HEAT. 2.) But if you’re a hipster warlock, you name your crow f...

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1.) A world beholden to folks who need to break, to burn, to tear things down to prove that they are special. Many of ‘em have good intentions, to entertain, to make things better, but in selfish...

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1.) Whenever I remember that “feminists” who are bigoted against trans people are called TERFs (trans-exclusionary feminists) I remember the old schlock film “TERF Nazis Must Die!” and imagine a ...

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1.) You think you gotta own all this stuff, you think you have to impress with all your stuff, no, you just gotta see it. All these people, all these wonders, you could see them all, hear it all,...

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Frank Yetti woke up late in the morning most days, there weren’t enough tourists walking down Hollywood Boulevard at ten to make the effort worth it, especially on a weekday, so he afforded himse...

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Atlas didn’t shrug, at least the times that Ms. Rand said he did. Atlas didn’t need to shrug from exhaustion or despair, anyway, Atlas was very rarely actually the one holding our earth up there ...

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