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1.) An Old Navy Christmas ad involving the line “Sleep In Heavenly Fleece”. 2.) I mean, sure, there are times you just start singing “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” in the style of Danzig. 3.) I ...

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I am no longer merely older than that age when celebrities die tragically to lock in their iconic beauty forever, some put it around twenty-seven, in fact I am almost too old to even be socially ...

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1.) A life defined by my many ironies in the fire. 2.) Voted “Thinnest Customer In The Salvation Army ” three years running. 3.) A super casual tabletop role playing game called WIZARDS AND WHATN...

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1.) How has Sir Mix-A-Lot never put his name on an infomercial blender? 2.) If you’re lucky, if you’re really lucky and you’re good, art is not just a slight delightment and art is not just an ar...

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1.) Kurt Cobain’s death is a Schrodinger’s box, really, he was a famous person you almost assuredly didn’t know. The truth of whether he killed himself or was killed is irrelevant to your life, w...

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1.) After divorcing over his drinking, she went from dearly belov-ed to beerly delov-ed. 2.) In Australia, it is tradition before using the bathroom first thing in the morning to greet the room “...

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1.) I want to believe myself desirable in an unconventional kind of way but lacking the evidence lately, I dunno. With everything that’s happened the last few months, I suppose I’m not exactly in...

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I people-watched inside the mall I broke for a brief burrito bowl I wandered for two hours leisurely remarking on what shops had changed I stuck a fiver in a mass...

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1.) Hepatitis-Cat is a relatively mild strain, it merely makes you into a beatnik. 2.) If Herman, Lily, Eddie and Grandpa were all murdered by a descendant of Van Helsing, would they change the n...

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1.) A SCENE FROM THE NERD DINER: “I don’t get it.” “What don’t you get?” “How is this dish The Aquaman Special? There’s no fish in it or, like, even kelp, it’s just curry.” “Yes,” she agreed, “it...

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1.) People watching in a mall, a burrito bowl, looking at what stores have changed, sticking a fiver in a massage chair, ending up in a bookstore, reading something I wanted to read but not enoug...

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1.) Your Steely Dan/Beastie Boys mash-up “No Sleep Til Brooklyn Owes The Charmer Under Me” will be the crowning achievement of an age that hasn’t achieved much. 2.) Put a friend in a gimp suit, o...

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1.) Unlike the Constructicons, however, the Deconstructicons are not six Decepticons who join together into one larger robot to battle Optimus Prime, rather they are six Decepticons who split int...

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1.) It was hard to tell if they were a hair-metal band or just being ironic, the whole thing was incredibly glambiguous. 2.) What was my generation’s obsession with irony but an intellectual vers...

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1.) When you graduate from Mohel College, they play “Pomp and Circumcision”. 2.) A Batman themed prom called “A Knight To Remember” will never happen but it would be the first actually interestin...

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1.) Ah, El Pollo Loco. The Mexican chain you only go to if every Mexican chain other than Taco Bell is unavailable. 2.) We need a famous couple that’s a Jennifer and an Eric (or Erica!) so that t...

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1.) If you skulk around apiaries, you’re a bee creeper. 2.) Technically, Blur’s “Song 2” would mash-up well with Rob Thomas’s “Smooth” but… it would only bring Song 2 down. WOO-HOO! 3.) The Harve...

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1.) I tell the cat “Kitty wants pets? But kitty IS pets!” but he seems to not appreciate my sparkling wordplay. 2.) An emo insult comic with the stage name “Call Out Boy”. 3.) Tonight, I have rea...

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1.) Garfield was named as such because his mother gave birth to him in a field of gar. 2.) Vegan rappers don’t have beef, they have tofeuds. 3.) I think it’s nice that we have a word for complete...

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there are many levels to the Scale of Rhyming Consequences you may not be technically cruising for a bruising but you may well be asking for a taking to a taxing or demandi...

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whenever I’m cleaning in any kind of meaningful way more than just doing dishes clothes or straightening up the dog and the cat always look up at me with mock surprise the dog and t...

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the good news is yes, the world is your oyster the bad news is an oyster is a little bit of snot trapped in an angry rock people pretend is delicious just to gross you the hell out ...

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He should’ve been in Southern California playing first-base for the Dodgers, had life gone the way it seemed into his teens, “Big Ben” Eisen then, nicknamed so for breaking the scoreboard clock w...

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1.) A parody of “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” about Bela Lugosi’s dad? 2.) Everybody pretends to be so sanctimonious pure when talking about “refusing to vote for the lesser of two evils” but do y’know wh...

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1.) Saw my dad in a dream this afternoon, napping after getting up at the crack of something to pick mom up from the airport. We went thrifting. It was nice. 2.) If you have a fetish for Japanese...

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