~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 43

Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.

This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.

Steve Maraboli

Entries 80

Page 1 of 4

3 days ago

Phantosmia in 2023

I would not have believed this shit was an actual thing were it not happening to me and so I looked it up because wtf. It started even before Babes died, so I don’t chalk it up (entirely) to gri...


February 11, 2024

Brain stew in 2023

I’m gonna smoke a joint and try to get this out because while I’m not quite ready to try writing the book again, I feel like with this 8d audio stuff I’m a lot closer than I was. I want to be abl...


February 10, 2024

Holy shit in 2023

I think I had a small breakthrough yesterday. Nothing to do with the grief, nothing that will help with that pain, but a breakthrough nonetheless. I kept seeing those short little clips or reels...


February 09, 2024

I'm gonna do stuff in 2023

Today. Right now. I’m gonna vacuum and wipe down the kitchen and dust and shit .. and shower. I don’t think I’ve showered in a week. Which is gross. Except I don’t do anything so it’s not like I ...


February 08, 2024

The weight in 2023

You know that feeling right before you cry? When your chest sorta tightens and feels heavy and achy .. and then fingers of ache & chill radiant from your heart and the tears flow, like a dam ...


February 07, 2024

For posterity, pics in 2023

Been forever since I did photos .. someday I’ll come back to this for the memories of these days .. FB memories are hard - silly laughing memories of Babes and our daily life together .. days I ...


February 05, 2024

Dragging in 2023

Time. It’s just dragging. I’ve never felt more like a zombie. Or a robot maybe. Day in, day out. I should enjoy the routine. Isn’t routine proper or something? But I’m not choosing the routine ....


February 02, 2024

But why though? in 2023

One ex reaching out to me, fine. Two? Weird, gross, but whatever. Three though? Really? Three? Fuck off I’m so fucking annoyed and want to just go off on this latest one in my DMs but it’s not h...


January 31, 2024

Again in 2023

Perhaps it will be a sleeping pill night tonight. I don’t want it to be. They leave a horrible taste in my mouth come morning. I called Sadie in to my room a little while ago, hoping her extra b...


January 29, 2024

Closer again in 2023

It’s been 301 days since you left me. Somehow the last 10 months have felt like you were drifting further and further from me and the awful day but since the new year it’s been different .. I kn...


January 22, 2024

Heavy in 2023

I strained and struggled and managed to get the weighted blanket back on the bed yesterday. It’s a shockingly difficult task to maneuver a 40lb king size blanket onto a queen size bed by yourself...


January 20, 2024

It's not just grief in 2023

Losing Babes is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, yes. But losing him has been the culmination of a difficult life .. blistered with moments of happiness but they never outnumbere...


January 19, 2024

Just leave me in 2023

I feel like I’m on the losing end of a tug-o-war .. the rope taut over a yawning chasm of nothingness. Just let me go. For someone who will never have the gonads to end it all herself, I think a...


January 17, 2024

Hollow in 2023

I did shit today. I did a little shit yesterday too .. just shampooing a 4×4 area of carpet where the girls eat, but it got done. Honestly just super duper amplifies how badly the rest of the ca...


January 12, 2024

The after in 2023

I want to scream. Long and loud, until my throat is dry and my voice nothing more than a cracked whisper. Scream and rage and cry. Thump my fists into the ground, the air, myself. Roar until the...


January 10, 2024

What they say in 2023

If I hear “he’s alive in your heart” or “he’ll always be with you in your memories” one more time .. or what about, “you’ll learn to live without him” … or .. or maybe, “he wouldn’t want you to h...


January 09, 2024

Misery loves solitude in 2023

281 days. I don’t know how so much time has passed. I’ve existed in a fog of grief. Nothing more. Nothing less. The doctor has prescribed sleeping meds for me. It takes hours for me to fall asle...


December 29, 2023

Goundhog day in 2023

It’s been a while. You’re still dead. It’s been 270 days … each one of them the same as the one before. I haven’t left the apartment in months. I managed a few hours with your family on Thanksgi...


September 16, 2023

Drowning in 2023

The tears are wrenching out of me in gasps and whimpers. Tomorrow is my birthday. The first one without you. Why should my birthday matter? It doesn’t. I was never much of a birthday person, bu...


September 15, 2023

They smelled like the morgue in 2023

I think I dreamt of you last night. It was a regular morning this morning. After Dee went off to school, I was sitting on the couch having coffee, the radio was playing quietly in the backgroun...


September 14, 2023

Scribbles in 2023

My FIL just dropped my laptop back off to me, complete with a brand new hardrive and my old hardrive in plastic in case anything was on it when it cooked. I’m flabbergasted. I had mentioned to hi...


September 12, 2023

162 days in 2023

I knew that number would continue to climb … forever … I just didn’t realize how quickly and painfully slowly at the same time it would grow. And how desperately I wish every day that it would st...


September 08, 2023

Shhh in 2023

I turned the radio off a little while ago. It’s quiet. I was afraid of the silence at first but now it feels like I have a moment to just stop .. stop everything. Stop thinking. Stop hurting. St...


September 03, 2023

Trying in 2023

It’s all too much. It’s just too much. It’s too much nothing. Everything is too much nothing. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate it. Another day without you, fabulous. I can’t wait for bedt...


September 01, 2023

Differences in 2023

I’ve lost track of what stage of grief I’m in or should be in or some shit. All the books I’ve read say that grief is different for everyone so I shouldn’t expect it in stages like previously tho...


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