~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 43
Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.
This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.
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They smelled like the morgue in 2023
I think I dreamt of you last night. It was a regular morning this morning. After Dee went off to school, I was sitting on the couch having coffee, the radio was playing quietly in the backgroun...
My FIL just dropped my laptop back off to me, complete with a brand new hardrive and my old hardrive in plastic in case anything was on it when it cooked. I’m flabbergasted. I had mentioned to hi...
I knew that number would continue to climb … forever … I just didn’t realize how quickly and painfully slowly at the same time it would grow. And how desperately I wish every day that it would st...
I turned the radio off a little while ago. It’s quiet. I was afraid of the silence at first but now it feels like I have a moment to just stop .. stop everything. Stop thinking. Stop hurting. St...
It’s all too much. It’s just too much. It’s too much nothing. Everything is too much nothing. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate it. Another day without you, fabulous. I can’t wait for bedt...
Differences in 2023
I’ve lost track of what stage of grief I’m in or should be in or some shit. All the books I’ve read say that grief is different for everyone so I shouldn’t expect it in stages like previously tho...
Yesterday the tears rolled silently down my cheeks all day. Today they come in gasping waves. Wave upon wave of sobs, crying out for you to come back. Over and over. It wasn’t supposed to be lik...
On dying .. in 2023
It’s a strange place to be .. not wanting to die, but not wanting to live either. It’s been 146 days since you left and you don’t even know it - I’m the only one counting .. the only one keeping...
Things and other things in 2023
The struggle bus has been chugging along ever so slowly these last few weeks. I hadn’t dusted or vacuumed or taken the garbage out or done the dishes in days. Dee hasn’t been home in 4 days, he’...
I think it's time to go in 2023
I’ve been sobbing for days. Not crying. Sobbing. I guess that’s what happens when the reality of my situation finally makes its way from my head to my heart. I can’t stay here. I want to, I do...
Your Dad came by this evening, and brought me weed. It’s sweet that he still thinks of me. It was nice to chat with him for a bit. We talked about you. He smiled and tapped the Toronto face mask ...
Every night I switch off the light for the case your urn is in and say goodnight to you. Tonight I told you I loved you and said goodnight .. and then I stood there in the darkness and whispered...
One hundred and twenty one in 2023
That’s how many days you’ve been gone. I can’t even fathom. It gets better, they say. I hate hearing that. But then, yesterday, I was thinking about it … I suppose it has gotten better in ways? ...
Untangle the bullshit in 2023
The only way I’m going to figure this out is if I get it written out. A few weeks ago I received a messaged from someone I didn’t know regarding my ex-husband. Lemme just back up for a second … L...
A lot of BS + photos, finally in 2023
Okay, so, thanks to a fellow PB’er, I now know how to make photos work. It’s kind of a bitch on my phone but I’m too lazy to boot up my laptop so I made collages instead to take up less room. He...
Conversation in 2023
I’m desperate to talk to you. There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I want you to tell me. You would make all this make sense. If you were here to make it make sense … it wouldn’t have to m...
Anger, hurt, fear in 2023
I’m angry today. I was angry yesterday, too. Fuck you, you know? For making me love you so much and then dying. Not breaking up, not making me hate you first, no .. loving you so fully & com...
These tears in 2023
I spent most of today crying. I couldn’t settle and accomplish anything really. I just cried. I guess today showed me that perhaps some days are easier than others, and today was a very difficul...
One day at a time in 2023
… thats become my universal answer whenever anyone asks how I am … one day at a time. It’s a lie, but it’s easier than saying fucking horrible or awful or I don’t care and if respond with, “good...
Relentless in 2023
You’ve been gone 94 days and the pain is just as sharp as it was on day 1. They say grief can last like this for years. I can believe that. When you love someone as much and for as long as I hav...
I had the worst Canada Day, ever. Ever. I tried psyching myself up all day to walk the half block to the lake and take in the massive festivities like we did last year but … it wouldn’t be the s...
I want to disappear. Realistically I want to be with you, but I’m entirely too much of a coward to join you. I’m sure not a single person would blame me if I took my own life. They would cast t...
You’ve not come back to see me in my dreams since the night after you died. I don’t understand why. When you were alive, sleeping next to me, I would dream about you all the time. But that 1st ...
I went for brunch with your Mum and sister today. It was really nice to sit over coffee & eggs and talk about you, smile, and let our eyes get misty now and then. I walked the two blocks hom...
The report in 2023
I received the final forensic pathology & coroner’s report yesterday. I guess somehow I thought that reading them over would make this real? It did not. The pathology report showed you only ...
