Again in 2023

Perhaps it will be a sleeping pill night tonight. I don’t want it to be. They leave a horrible taste in my mouth come morning.

I called Sadie in to my room a little while ago, hoping her extra bulldog weight against me in bed would encourage sleep. She’s out like a light .. me, not so much.

There’s so much I want to get out .. its just all the same. Always the same.

I hate this.

Everything.

Even unconsciousness won’t relieve me. You don’t come to me in my dreams anyway. Confusing chaotic dreams .. but never with you. I can’t find you anywhere anymore.

There used to be a moment in the morning when I first woke that I would turn to you in bed and reach to snuggle .. even after you died, for the tiniest second it wasn’t real .. but those moments don’t happen anymore.

I don’t know when they stopped.

Is this what they mean when they say I’ll move on? It wasn’t my choice. I want those painful confused seconds back - when my brain didn’t realize you were actually gone and for just the whisper of a breath .. I was whole again.

Sometimes I just lay here and let the tears leak from my eyes .. down my cheek .. a sharp turn down my neck from my ear .. and then pooling in the hollow of my collarbone. Turning one way or the other and suddenly my pillows are soggy .. and cold.

Hot on my cheeks. Cold on the pillow.

Sadie is kicking in her sleep. If I reach my hand down my side, I can scratch her belly and her snoring changes .. she must be chasing something in her sleep.

Almost midnight .. I don’t want to take one of those pills but fuck I want to slip into oblivion for a few hours .. still hopeful you’ll come see me in my dreams.