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Now what
I took the pill. Last night, with my bedtime meds. I figured I wasn’t going to sleep and I was sick of tossing & turning all night like the last few nights so at 9pm I took a sleeping pill to...
Is it broken?
I cleaned today. Finally. It was so gross in here. I hadn’t shampooed the carpet in weeks. That doesn’t sound terrible, for normal peoples carpets, but I’m not normal and neither are my 50 year o...
I think I must be crazy
In 22 days I’ll lose you all over again. A year. A year without you. A year of being nothing more than the walking dead. Empty existence. Wasting space. I can’t do another year. I can’t. I can’t...
Obsessive confusion
337 days … is that why? Is that why my mind, my heart, my soul have been increasingly chaotic these last few weeks? I scrutinize photos now, as they come up in FB memories … did you look like yo...
Too much
A very dear friend of mine lost her son 4 days ago. He was 3.5yrs old. He’d been fighting neuroblastoma for the last 18 months of his life. Half his short little life was spent in the hospital w...
The ache
I’ve been crying for two days. Again. And it’s weird because I’ll just be doing dishes or stitching & watching TV and poof tears and ache and sobbing and then … poof back to doing what I was...
Phantosmia
I would not have believed this shit was an actual thing were it not happening to me and so I looked it up because wtf. It started even before Babes died, so I don’t chalk it up (entirely) to gri...
Brain stew
I’m gonna smoke a joint and try to get this out because while I’m not quite ready to try writing the book again, I feel like with this 8d audio stuff I’m a lot closer than I was. I want to be abl...
Holy shit
I think I had a small breakthrough yesterday. Nothing to do with the grief, nothing that will help with that pain, but a breakthrough nonetheless. I kept seeing those short little clips or reels...
I'm gonna do stuff
Today. Right now. I’m gonna vacuum and wipe down the kitchen and dust and shit .. and shower. I don’t think I’ve showered in a week. Which is gross. Except I don’t do anything so it’s not like I ...
The weight
You know that feeling right before you cry? When your chest sorta tightens and feels heavy and achy .. and then fingers of ache & chill radiant from your heart and the tears flow, like a dam ...
For posterity, pics
Been forever since I did photos .. someday I’ll come back to this for the memories of these days .. FB memories are hard - silly laughing memories of Babes and our daily life together .. days I ...
Dragging
Time. It’s just dragging. I’ve never felt more like a zombie. Or a robot maybe. Day in, day out. I should enjoy the routine. Isn’t routine proper or something? But I’m not choosing the routine ....
But why though?
One ex reaching out to me, fine. Two? Weird, gross, but whatever. Three though? Really? Three? Fuck off I’m so fucking annoyed and want to just go off on this latest one in my DMs but it’s not h...
Again
Perhaps it will be a sleeping pill night tonight. I don’t want it to be. They leave a horrible taste in my mouth come morning. I called Sadie in to my room a little while ago, hoping her extra b...
Closer again
It’s been 301 days since you left me. Somehow the last 10 months have felt like you were drifting further and further from me and the awful day but since the new year it’s been different .. I kn...
Heavy
I strained and struggled and managed to get the weighted blanket back on the bed yesterday. It’s a shockingly difficult task to maneuver a 40lb king size blanket onto a queen size bed by yourself...
It's not just grief
Losing Babes is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, yes. But losing him has been the culmination of a difficult life .. blistered with moments of happiness but they never outnumbere...
Just leave me
I feel like I’m on the losing end of a tug-o-war .. the rope taut over a yawning chasm of nothingness. Just let me go. For someone who will never have the gonads to end it all herself, I think a...
Hollow
I did shit today. I did a little shit yesterday too .. just shampooing a 4×4 area of carpet where the girls eat, but it got done. Honestly just super duper amplifies how badly the rest of the ca...
The after
I want to scream. Long and loud, until my throat is dry and my voice nothing more than a cracked whisper. Scream and rage and cry. Thump my fists into the ground, the air, myself. Roar until the...
What they say
If I hear “he’s alive in your heart” or “he’ll always be with you in your memories” one more time .. or what about, “you’ll learn to live without him” … or .. or maybe, “he wouldn’t want you to h...
Misery loves solitude
281 days. I don’t know how so much time has passed. I’ve existed in a fog of grief. Nothing more. Nothing less. The doctor has prescribed sleeping meds for me. It takes hours for me to fall asle...
Goundhog day
It’s been a while. You’re still dead. It’s been 270 days … each one of them the same as the one before. I haven’t left the apartment in months. I managed a few hours with your family on Thanksgi...
Drowning
The tears are wrenching out of me in gasps and whimpers. Tomorrow is my birthday. The first one without you. Why should my birthday matter? It doesn’t. I was never much of a birthday person, bu...
