Entries 94
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Planning
Things were supposed to be easier once I moved here. Not just mentally and emotionally, but financially too. Was I ever fucking wrong. Somehow this godforsaken province is even worse than Onta...
Holding on
It’s a little after 1am. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and am sitting barefoot on my front porch, tears streaming silently down my cheeks. I wish I could say I was tired of crying … ...
Blindsided
I don’t even know where to start. I don’t want to write this but maybe writing it out will help me shake it off somehow? Your sister texted me 2 days ago … a flurry of hatred & accusations &...
Breaking up
I wish we had broken up. It wouldn’t feel like this if I knew somehow that you were out there somewhere. Living. I could hate you. Blame you. Be angry at you. Pretend that it wasn’t as perfec...
I wasn't ready, Babes ..
I dreamt about you last night. I’ve been hoping and begging and pleading for you to come to me in my dreams and you did … and I wasn’t ready. I’ve been weeping all morning. Off and on .. like b...
I can breathe again ..
I’m here. We made it. Almost 3100km in 3 days. All told, it was probably a $6000 move, not including buying the car & the house … I wouldn’t have made it without everyone. I still don’t unde...
Razor blades and raspberry jam
Things I can’t wait to be able to afford to buy again. I’m saving every single cent I can, buying absolutely nothing other than the essentials - dog food for the dogs, milk for the kid, coffee fo...
Tears stream
Still here. Still crying. Still grieving. 418 days since you’ve been gone. I wish I could scream and rage and throw shit through windows and break down walls and doors and crush the broken piece...
Now what
I took the pill. Last night, with my bedtime meds. I figured I wasn’t going to sleep and I was sick of tossing & turning all night like the last few nights so at 9pm I took a sleeping pill to...
Is it broken?
I cleaned today. Finally. It was so gross in here. I hadn’t shampooed the carpet in weeks. That doesn’t sound terrible, for normal peoples carpets, but I’m not normal and neither are my 50 year o...
I think I must be crazy
In 22 days I’ll lose you all over again. A year. A year without you. A year of being nothing more than the walking dead. Empty existence. Wasting space. I can’t do another year. I can’t. I can’t...
Obsessive confusion
337 days … is that why? Is that why my mind, my heart, my soul have been increasingly chaotic these last few weeks? I scrutinize photos now, as they come up in FB memories … did you look like yo...
Too much
A very dear friend of mine lost her son 4 days ago. He was 3.5yrs old. He’d been fighting neuroblastoma for the last 18 months of his life. Half his short little life was spent in the hospital w...
The ache
I’ve been crying for two days. Again. And it’s weird because I’ll just be doing dishes or stitching & watching TV and poof tears and ache and sobbing and then … poof back to doing what I was...
Phantosmia
I would not have believed this shit was an actual thing were it not happening to me and so I looked it up because wtf. It started even before Babes died, so I don’t chalk it up (entirely) to gri...
Brain stew
I’m gonna smoke a joint and try to get this out because while I’m not quite ready to try writing the book again, I feel like with this 8d audio stuff I’m a lot closer than I was. I want to be abl...
Holy shit
I think I had a small breakthrough yesterday. Nothing to do with the grief, nothing that will help with that pain, but a breakthrough nonetheless. I kept seeing those short little clips or reels...
I'm gonna do stuff
Today. Right now. I’m gonna vacuum and wipe down the kitchen and dust and shit .. and shower. I don’t think I’ve showered in a week. Which is gross. Except I don’t do anything so it’s not like I ...
The weight
You know that feeling right before you cry? When your chest sorta tightens and feels heavy and achy .. and then fingers of ache & chill radiant from your heart and the tears flow, like a dam ...
For posterity, pics
Been forever since I did photos .. someday I’ll come back to this for the memories of these days .. FB memories are hard - silly laughing memories of Babes and our daily life together .. days I ...
Dragging
Time. It’s just dragging. I’ve never felt more like a zombie. Or a robot maybe. Day in, day out. I should enjoy the routine. Isn’t routine proper or something? But I’m not choosing the routine ....
But why though?
One ex reaching out to me, fine. Two? Weird, gross, but whatever. Three though? Really? Three? Fuck off I’m so fucking annoyed and want to just go off on this latest one in my DMs but it’s not h...
Again
Perhaps it will be a sleeping pill night tonight. I don’t want it to be. They leave a horrible taste in my mouth come morning. I called Sadie in to my room a little while ago, hoping her extra b...
Closer again
It’s been 301 days since you left me. Somehow the last 10 months have felt like you were drifting further and further from me and the awful day but since the new year it’s been different .. I kn...
Heavy
I strained and struggled and managed to get the weighted blanket back on the bed yesterday. It’s a shockingly difficult task to maneuver a 40lb king size blanket onto a queen size bed by yourself...
