~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 43

Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.

This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.

Steve Maraboli

Entries 86

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April 17, 2023

Drifting in 2023

I’m in pain today. Excruciating body pain. And so cold, despite it being a perfectly acceptable temperature both inside and out, that my hands turned white. I know it’s because I showered, got d...


April 17, 2023

Anger in 2023

I get so mad. So fucking pissed. But there’s no one and nothing to be angry at so I just simmer in pain. Why? What the actual fuck have I done to deserve this? The douchebag sperm donors, the ex...


April 16, 2023

347 hours in 2023

Thats how long its been without you. In 15 years I’ve never gone more than a few hours without talking to you. And now … its been 347 hours since I heard your voice, since I touched you and you ...


April 15, 2023

Life in 2023

I think what hurts the most is that I don’t believe there’s anything after death. I never have. If there were life after death, then what is the point of life to begin with? I believe our souls a...


April 12, 2023

So many words in 2023

I think I figured out why I had stopped writing here for so long. For the last almost 15 years, Chris was my OpenDiary or Prosebox. He was my sounding board, my best friend, my confidante, the c...


April 12, 2023

Nausea in 2023

God I feel sick. So sick. Is this grief too? I learned that there’s a difference between grief & bereavement. Idk wtf the difference is, you’re still gone. I ate half a chicken breast and s...


April 11, 2023

Memorials I guess in 2023

I’m so glad I saved your silly paper towel & sharpie love notes. I know we said we would never tattoo eachothers names on our own bodies because it’s bad luck but .. I think we’re a little p...


April 11, 2023

Uncomfortable in 2023

I keep waking up through the night, every couple hours and tossing and turning. And sweating. So much sweating. So uncomfortable. But in bed, sometimes, when I’m asleep, I forget you’re gone. Th...


April 10, 2023

Rest in 2023

I’m exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically somehow. Sleep is elusive. I try to keep my same routine - climb into bed around 9pm, turn the TV on to a docu-series, play games on my phone unt...


April 10, 2023

I'm scared in 2023

Is fear a part of grief? Is this part of missing you? Why am I afraid? Of living without you? This isn’t living. This is mearly existing. I take breaths because my body is on auto-pilot but I ...


April 09, 2023

Hello darkness, in 2023

I said goodbye to you today. Your hands were so cold. I wanted to memorize every line of your face, I wanted to remember how your fingers felt entwined in mine. It’s so hard to sleep without yo...


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