~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 43
Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.
This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.
Entries 90
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I’ve been thinking about my future. I don’t like thinking about my future because we had our future planned … but that’s gone now. Sometimes … always … that’s a hard pill to swallow. Part of me ...
Here with me in 2023
You’re with me forever now, Babes. Permanently in ink on my arm. You would be with me always regardless, but having your writing on my arm now feels a little closer. I keep running my fingers ov...
I know stress contributed to Chris’s heart attack. We’ve had a tough year … putting Turk down in January at only 3yrs old, then losing his beloved Socks in March to old age at 13yrs. Then findin...
Emily and Evan are both working today, so I find myself alone in their home. Very strange feeling to be a guest in your mostly grown daughter & son-in-law’s home for the first time. It took m...
I’m in pain today. Excruciating body pain. And so cold, despite it being a perfectly acceptable temperature both inside and out, that my hands turned white. I know it’s because I showered, got d...
I get so mad. So fucking pissed. But there’s no one and nothing to be angry at so I just simmer in pain. Why? What the actual fuck have I done to deserve this? The douchebag sperm donors, the ex...
Thats how long its been without you. In 15 years I’ve never gone more than a few hours without talking to you. And now … its been 347 hours since I heard your voice, since I touched you and you ...
I think what hurts the most is that I don’t believe there’s anything after death. I never have. If there were life after death, then what is the point of life to begin with? I believe our souls a...
So many words in 2023
I think I figured out why I had stopped writing here for so long. For the last almost 15 years, Chris was my OpenDiary or Prosebox. He was my sounding board, my best friend, my confidante, the c...
God I feel sick. So sick. Is this grief too? I learned that there’s a difference between grief & bereavement. Idk wtf the difference is, you’re still gone. I ate half a chicken breast and s...
Memorials I guess in 2023
I’m so glad I saved your silly paper towel & sharpie love notes. I know we said we would never tattoo eachothers names on our own bodies because it’s bad luck but .. I think we’re a little p...
Uncomfortable in 2023
I keep waking up through the night, every couple hours and tossing and turning. And sweating. So much sweating. So uncomfortable. But in bed, sometimes, when I’m asleep, I forget you’re gone. Th...
I’m exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically somehow. Sleep is elusive. I try to keep my same routine - climb into bed around 9pm, turn the TV on to a docu-series, play games on my phone unt...
I'm scared in 2023
Is fear a part of grief? Is this part of missing you? Why am I afraid? Of living without you? This isn’t living. This is mearly existing. I take breaths because my body is on auto-pilot but I ...
Hello darkness, in 2023
I said goodbye to you today. Your hands were so cold. I wanted to memorize every line of your face, I wanted to remember how your fingers felt entwined in mine. It’s so hard to sleep without yo...
