~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 43
Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.
This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.
Entries 86
Page 3 of 4
I guess if you’re new here all you really know about me is that the love of my life died in his sleep beside me 80 days ago. A few of you know me from my OpenDiary days circa 2001 and beyond, an...
My own mortality has been heavily on my mind since you left. Not because I have any plans to join you, though it would seem so easy, wouldn’t it? But because of the suddenness of it all. You wer...
The coroner called .. in 2023
The pathology & final autopsy report are finished, and just confirmed the preliminary findings he told me at the time of your autopsy. Massive heart attack. 95% occlusion. Widow maker. Pre...
Two entire months today. How can that be? It seems like yesterday. And there’s still so long to live without you . I suppose reality has sunk in. My world may have come to a full halt, but the re...
The guilt is still crushing. I had one job … one. To take care of you. And I failed. I blame myself. I should have seen the signs. I should have forced you to the doctor, that was my fucking job ...
I went for a walk in the rain this morning. We should have walked more, Babes. Would that have made your heart stronger? Or would it have made it worse? So many questions. I don’t even know if wh...
I’m so angry still. I’ve tried hard not be but fuck if I’m not furious. Not at you but at your death. I know it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. That’s why I’m so pissed. Fuck that, you kno...
It’s our anniversary today. You know, the “til death do us part” one .. I hope you don’t mind that I still recognize today, even though death did us part. I guess I never really took that seriou...
This is me trying in 2023
Music has kept me sane .. it always has. But now more than ever. The last two days have been surreal .. I know you’re here with me. As skeptical as I am, there’s no way the random songs & s...
Uncomfortably numb in 2023
Numbness has settled in deeply. Have I perhaps accepted your death? 5 weeks tomorrow. Has it taken me this long to accept that you’re not coming back? Or is this numb indifference just for toda...
Waiting. I wait. It’s all I do is wait. I wait to hear the bedroom door open in the morning, because I was always up earlier than you and snuck out to let you sleep. I save the last cup of coffe...
The silence is deafening. I sit in the stillness of the living room, staring blankly at your memorial shelf. The sun moves across the sky, I know it does because the shadows turn slowly around ...
A broken heart in 2023
I didn’t know it was possible to literally break your heart, but it is. In times of intense trauma & loss, your heart can actually break and mimic a heart attack. Untreated, you can die of a ...
You’re home with me now. Your Dad brought you to me. We wept together. I thought perhaps that holding your urn would make it more real? It doesn’t. You would like your urn, I think. I hope you...
I wasn't done in 2023
I wasn’t done loving you. I wasn’t done making memories with you. I wasn’t done holding you. Kissing you. Laughing with you. I wasn’t done. I wasn’t fucking done. There’s so much longer to li...
I don’t want to be here. I don’t. This world terrifies me without you. I’m so scared. I went to bed at 11pm and by 5:30am decided that I probably wasn’t going to eventually fall asleep, so I’m...
Here, without you in 2023
The apartment feels empty without you. Of course it does. I spent the day shampooing the carpets. I know Dee did his best while I was gone, but he was/is grieving too and let some of Grace’s acc...
Comin home in 2023
I’m sitting in the airport, waiting to board my flight home .. home. Is it home anymore? I’ve never sat here alone and not talked to you while waiting. Not planned what our evening would look li...
I went out last night. To the pub, with my friends here who are more like family than my own blood. And as the long table filled up with chattering people and hugging, I looked around and realiz...
I don’t know if I can do this. If I can keep going. How am I supposed to keep going? I feel nothing. Nothing but the crushing weight of grief. Nothing but missing you. And the tears just keep co...
Your Dad picked up your ashes today. Your ashes. In your urns. The urn I choose for you. I engraved with your name. Your ashes. All that’s left. Dust. How can a man such as you be reduced to ash...
I’ve been thinking about my future. I don’t like thinking about my future because we had our future planned … but that’s gone now. Sometimes … always … that’s a hard pill to swallow. Part of me ...
Here with me in 2023
You’re with me forever now, Babes. Permanently in ink on my arm. You would be with me always regardless, but having your writing on my arm now feels a little closer. I keep running my fingers ov...
I know stress contributed to Chris’s heart attack. We’ve had a tough year … putting Turk down in January at only 3yrs old, then losing his beloved Socks in March to old age at 13yrs. Then findin...
Emily and Evan are both working today, so I find myself alone in their home. Very strange feeling to be a guest in your mostly grown daughter & son-in-law’s home for the first time. It took m...
