~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 43

Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.

This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.

Steve Maraboli

Entries 86

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June 22, 2023

Who I am in 2023

I guess if you’re new here all you really know about me is that the love of my life died in his sleep beside me 80 days ago. A few of you know me from my OpenDiary days circa 2001 and beyond, an...


June 19, 2023

Mortality in 2023

My own mortality has been heavily on my mind since you left. Not because I have any plans to join you, though it would seem so easy, wouldn’t it? But because of the suddenness of it all. You wer...


May 30, 2023

The coroner called .. in 2023

The pathology & final autopsy report are finished, and just confirmed the preliminary findings he told me at the time of your autopsy. Massive heart attack. 95% occlusion. Widow maker. Pre...


May 29, 2023

2 months in 2023

Two entire months today. How can that be? It seems like yesterday. And there’s still so long to live without you . I suppose reality has sunk in. My world may have come to a full halt, but the re...


May 21, 2023

Guilt in 2023

The guilt is still crushing. I had one job … one. To take care of you. And I failed. I blame myself. I should have seen the signs. I should have forced you to the doctor, that was my fucking job ...


May 20, 2023

Endless in 2023

I went for a walk in the rain this morning. We should have walked more, Babes. Would that have made your heart stronger? Or would it have made it worse? So many questions. I don’t even know if wh...


May 15, 2023

Hmm in 2023

I’m so angry still. I’ve tried hard not be but fuck if I’m not furious. Not at you but at your death. I know it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. That’s why I’m so pissed. Fuck that, you kno...


May 13, 2023

Time in 2023

It’s our anniversary today. You know, the “til death do us part” one .. I hope you don’t mind that I still recognize today, even though death did us part. I guess I never really took that seriou...


May 09, 2023

This is me trying in 2023

Music has kept me sane .. it always has. But now more than ever. The last two days have been surreal .. I know you’re here with me. As skeptical as I am, there’s no way the random songs & s...


May 07, 2023

Uncomfortably numb in 2023

Numbness has settled in deeply. Have I perhaps accepted your death? 5 weeks tomorrow. Has it taken me this long to accept that you’re not coming back? Or is this numb indifference just for toda...


May 06, 2023

Waiting in 2023

Waiting. I wait. It’s all I do is wait. I wait to hear the bedroom door open in the morning, because I was always up earlier than you and snuck out to let you sleep. I save the last cup of coffe...


May 04, 2023

Shhh in 2023

The silence is deafening. I sit in the stillness of the living room, staring blankly at your memorial shelf. The sun moves across the sky, I know it does because the shadows turn slowly around ...


May 01, 2023

A broken heart in 2023

I didn’t know it was possible to literally break your heart, but it is. In times of intense trauma & loss, your heart can actually break and mimic a heart attack. Untreated, you can die of a ...


April 30, 2023

With me in 2023

You’re home with me now. Your Dad brought you to me. We wept together. I thought perhaps that holding your urn would make it more real? It doesn’t. You would like your urn, I think. I hope you...


April 29, 2023

I wasn't done in 2023

I wasn’t done loving you. I wasn’t done making memories with you. I wasn’t done holding you. Kissing you. Laughing with you. I wasn’t done. I wasn’t fucking done. There’s so much longer to li...


April 29, 2023

Go in 2023

I don’t want to be here. I don’t. This world terrifies me without you. I’m so scared. I went to bed at 11pm and by 5:30am decided that I probably wasn’t going to eventually fall asleep, so I’m...


April 27, 2023

Here, without you in 2023

The apartment feels empty without you. Of course it does. I spent the day shampooing the carpets. I know Dee did his best while I was gone, but he was/is grieving too and let some of Grace’s acc...


April 26, 2023

Comin home in 2023

I’m sitting in the airport, waiting to board my flight home .. home. Is it home anymore? I’ve never sat here alone and not talked to you while waiting. Not planned what our evening would look li...


April 25, 2023

Out in 2023

I went out last night. To the pub, with my friends here who are more like family than my own blood. And as the long table filled up with chattering people and hugging, I looked around and realiz...


April 23, 2023

I can't in 2023

I don’t know if I can do this. If I can keep going. How am I supposed to keep going? I feel nothing. Nothing but the crushing weight of grief. Nothing but missing you. And the tears just keep co...


April 23, 2023

Ashes in 2023

Your Dad picked up your ashes today. Your ashes. In your urns. The urn I choose for you. I engraved with your name. Your ashes. All that’s left. Dust. How can a man such as you be reduced to ash...


April 21, 2023

Movement in 2023

I’ve been thinking about my future. I don’t like thinking about my future because we had our future planned … but that’s gone now. Sometimes … always … that’s a hard pill to swallow. Part of me ...


April 20, 2023

Here with me in 2023

You’re with me forever now, Babes. Permanently in ink on my arm. You would be with me always regardless, but having your writing on my arm now feels a little closer. I keep running my fingers ov...


April 19, 2023

Truths in 2023

I know stress contributed to Chris’s heart attack. We’ve had a tough year … putting Turk down in January at only 3yrs old, then losing his beloved Socks in March to old age at 13yrs. Then findin...


April 18, 2023

On a wave in 2023

Emily and Evan are both working today, so I find myself alone in their home. Very strange feeling to be a guest in your mostly grown daughter & son-in-law’s home for the first time. It took m...


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