It's not just grief in 2023

Losing Babes is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, yes.

But losing him has been the culmination of a difficult life .. blistered with moments of happiness but they never outnumbered the tumors of pain.

Undiagnosed mental health/adhd issues combined with a flurry of diagnosed physical issues lead to a tumultuous childhood.

Unwed pregnancy at 21, father never in the picture.

Parents tell me to “get rid of it”

Reunite with parents after birth of their first grandson, who they dote on.

Unwed back to back pregnancies at 24 & 25, father dipped when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our 2nd and we haven’t seen him since.

Single mom, trying to prove she can be & do everything everyone expects her to.

Marries physically abusive boyfriend of 3 years at age 29. Kept quiet about the abuse for 4 more years, always making excuses for bruises and black eyes and stab wounds requiring stitches.

His abuse began to turn towards my oldest son .. you can beat the daylights out of me but you don’t ever ever touch my children.

Escaped husband at age 33 with the encouragement of my dearest friend who lived across the country and I’d met while playing Call of Duty Black Ops on the Playstation years earlier. He convinced me I was worth so much more and deserved so much better.

Pressed charges against husband at age 34 because despite leaving him, he just wouldn’t leave us alone.

Fled home province with kids at age 35 because now despite criminal charges & a restraining order and an upcoming trial, husband wouldn’t fucking leave us alone.

When I was 37, husband was finally convicted on all counts of assault, assault with a weapon, assault causing bodily harm, etc and sent to prison for 4 years.

Met, in person for the first time, and fell deeply in love with best friend from across the country when I was 38. He had been in my corner for almost ten years by this time.

Returned home to other side of the country and wept. Told best friend it would never work, I was so damaged and had so much baggage and he deserved so much better.

He gave me space but remained “with” me as we had always been - talking every day, playing video games together etc.

Pandemic hits, I turn 40 .. wtf am I doing? There’s a man in my life who has loved me for a decade by this point. Who has remained by my side, figuratively, through thick and thin. Who never gave up on me, who gave me the inner strength to keep going through it all.

Flew across the country again and committed to eachother - I wanted my kids to finish out school back home rather than yanking them out and shuffling them across the country. We would do long distance, as we always had I suppose, and I would move as soon as I had an empty nest. He had an established family business out east with his father so he couldn’t just pick up and leave.

Housing boom during pandemic. Landlords sell my house. Babes says, come east, bring the kids, we’ll figure it out.

Daughter stays behind with “friends” to begin & finish her senior year. Oldest son graduated in 2020 and was established on his own. Youngest son came with me.

Perfection. At last. We were together. As we had been all along ..

April 3, 2023 … age 42.5 … we went to bed and only I woke up. You had a widow maker heart attack in your sleep next to me.

We had 2 years together together here after so long and so much .. we should have had 42.5 more.

I’ll be 44 this year … my youngest with be 18 next month and finished school in June. My nest will truly be empty and I am truly alone.

I’ve lost you. Our future. Our plans. Our golden years together …

I’ve lost my future. My plans. I have nothing now. No where. No reason to be.

I fought for sO fUcKiNg LoNg. I had my happy ending with you, Babes, finally. We were so fucking happy.

And its just all gone and I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’ve got no fight left.