if.i.fall. ⋅

J'ai souffert souvent, je me suis trompé quelquefois ; mais j'ai aimé.

Writing, in its noblest function, is the attempt to unerase, to unearth, to find the primitive picture again, ours, the one that frightens us.

Cixous

Entries 64

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in my dream last night a blonde man did i kiss we embraced between gates with his hands on my hips and it has me thinking things so unrelated to this tryst like about my fleeting youth and a euro...


August 24, 2020

25 in addressing the public

no one can be known and i’m alone and no one’s watching if i hoped someone would see me as i go it couldn’t make a difference revolving door of misaligned reflections my imperfections pick one an...


Sugarcoat my Brokenness I want you more than me I’ve left behind my selflessness I’ve fallen at your feet I want your summer sun rays Sprinkler rainbow on the lawn Not these glass shards in my c...


warm evening rain do you remember nothing breaks as sweet as that first laugh cross streets, the pull and even then i knew it’s the reason i avoided you. my roots unplanted in familiar soil i th...


i blame myself you broke my trust possession, digression, tears and lust could not free me from the stone. i begged you not to be alone prayed you’d hear the words i think. i sent them to you thr...


September 18, 2019

greyest greys in addressing the public

have my best days now come and gone in my return i led them on nothing like that foreign thrill i was a bird, a sea, a hill and now i’m concrete, scorching waves of dull magentas, greyest greys b...


January 21, 2019

here we go in addressing the public

here we go another song another heart that i’ve done wrong moody, brooding, and withdrawn a sudden sorrow comes along wish i wasn’t always right wish i’d let you be my light wish i’d keep you by ...


The written word is mine to keep And could I let them know Those that I’ve shed from loneliness I had to let them go For they saw she behind the mask Before her final form A molting skin with sel...


Coincidence, or maybe not I saw you like a light Like a moth to a flame Like I’d been starved of sight From les Sables d’Olonne I remember the wind We froze time in the car Flutter-heart and a gr...


eggs in one basket i hoped that you’d call i hoped that we’d change that i’d give you my all i’m getting too jealous i’m not letting you go and somehow i can blame you when i’m feeling alone you ...


heart ripped out i love you more but when i see you will i know? my love and poetry is not worth more than my whole life (i thought) but nothing else can make me glow like sexy lights on handsom...


I miss you like you miss the summer Wind-whipped skin and hands so cold But mine, you held them through the winter You made my stone heart liquid gold I heard you like you hear the sirens Far at...


i saw a photo of you today all smiling and silly i didn’t cry or anything although of course a little sting and maybe it’s the distance and maybe it’s the time but in that moment i was so relieve...


so improbable but that friday night feeling it made me think of all the things that are possible i met someone cool i did something fun i left feeling good like something had begun and it gave me...


fingers in my hands pages of words locked in my mouth i don’t want you to forget and i’m not ready to find out maybe this isn’t like the last time maybe i can stand it longer maybe i won’t let my...


i didn’t like you all that much the first night, second when we touched. i told you, “i know how this goes, and every man that’s been here knows. you’ll start, then won’t stop thinking of me and ...


January 22, 2018

Ton soleil in addressing the public

C’est toi mon soleil I don’t want to be wrong You owe me a heartache, devotion, a song And I said this would happen You want me to love you To close my eyes, butterflies when I’m thinking of you ...


when i was young i was so lonely and always felt like i was wrong i wrapped my wounds in simple verses stitched my skin within each song and every night i’d play them back chant a tune under my b...


busy bee i fake a smile. but then i think, or is it real? and i only tell myself it’s fake because i want to be above it more enlightened than that true delight surely i’m more advanced than this...


i had that dream the other night a funny boy i barely knew my savior at the end of the hall, we jumped into the swimming pool broad shoulders locked me in their grasp (somehow i still feel his ar...


Before you, When I was by myself, I was alone. Since you, When I am by myself, I am without you.


i was dumb while with you that i know for sure. never happier, unabashedly cheesy i told you that you had something in your eyes that sparkled. i was not too cool for anything, and we made out on...


January 18, 2017

how dare i in addressing the public

racing thoughts how long until you criticize me for having feelings (again) fancied you(rself) enlightened but you’re once again just another man, all brute force dressed up in pastels and soft f...


Spark in your eye But in also your spirit– A smile does not have to be won from you. Given freely, No treasure hunt, An open chest from which bursts forth Your warmth. No harsher tones Ascribed t...


tired peace i know you mean it no efforts made to make my day i am a petulant child who thinks she is god anger boiling over when people don’t say what i scripted for them indignation transformed...


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