if.i.fall. ⋅

J'ai souffert souvent, je me suis trompé quelquefois ; mais j'ai aimé.

Writing, in its noblest function, is the attempt to unerase, to unearth, to find the primitive picture again, ours, the one that frightens us.

Cixous

Entries 63

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don’t know what i hoped for (more). and now it looks like it’s serious but i don’t write him poetry i wrote you a whole book i think i’ll print it for you though i fear you’ll never look when you...


maybe the worst already happened maybe you’re no longer mine maybe i just haven’t faced myself in that long of a time a lot has changed since we made lists of things that we would do a wave of lo...


you told me, “i don’t think i can be a whole person without you” i didn’t say it back but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true i told you that was scary that it felt like lots of pressure as though yo...


Right person at the wrong time Babe you know I always loved a fine line Or I wanted to I wanted you But I also wanted to be the mystery you thought I’d be My limp body carried off by men surround...


do you read this? you could tell me all my sad sack poetry you must know it’s for you maybe you came across an old link read all you could find or maybe i’ve never been more far from your mind wi...


I’m sorry baby That I never called you that That I’ll never hold you like I should Nor will I let you go (like I should) And let you find someone else who makes your sun shine Because in some wa...


you’re who i want to talk to when i’ve had a bit to drink you knew every detail about me i let you see everything is it ever really over will you always own my mind could i love anyone like i lov...


April 10, 2016

Hardwired in addressing the public

I have to write I’m hardwired But I can’t yet consider the likelihood that you will never see it. Maybe you will want to, and I will want you to. Maybe you will want to, and I will want you too...


March 10, 2016

It's true, in addressing the public

“It’s true,” I said,“We’re both alive,” And I can hold you by my side Or in my head or between my thighs Or let you go and hope you sigh And wistfully pass me through your mind Or blink hard know...


January 31, 2016

Riesling in addressing the public

You don’t need me Top off Riesling If I break down (the tram does not) Then from this folie break up wholly When vision’s clear but I forgot And sit down soundly Marking boundaries Where there’s ...


January 24, 2016

.weakness. in addressing the public

(s)pin me steadfastly my hands are upheld stiff-person syndrome i’m barricading myself always seeking forgiveness when it’s my own that i need all i do is see weakness and therefore will it to be...


December 28, 2015

farther on in addressing the public

pass by the sex we might have had flitted across a thousand screens then i closed my eyes and the combination of those two things made me almost believe it happened big game i talk but make belie...


when i belonged it still felt wrong but it’s so easy to think that it didn’t if i could only be alone and feel just as at home but the path to that trap is forbidden my ears rang, within a slumbe...


i’m so big i eat the world you’re trained to think that’s about my weight like i’m an insecure little girl. but i’m only undoing lessons i’ve learned i was taught that being big isn’t right that ...


drunk call i know i left you behind but how much more sure you were in all things my shadow on the wall– its silhouette so heartbreaking and i shield my eyes the laughter and the pull and tug why...


the eyes in the mirror are so full of scorn too searching for peace and too empty for hate but what’s another grain of sand on a mountain of flaws uneven shoulders couldn’t carry this weight all ...


i can almost understand why people leap from bridges. -charles bukowski buried in abysmal sin i am a robot wrapped in skin so encumbered yet so soft within dancing in circles on the head of a pin


How dare you silence me In monotony Even the idea of you Has not evaded tainting of the boldest sort My heart is so deep Where it shouldn’t be And I can’t breathe Unless I stifle everything And...


what is life if not imperfect i saw you and you were worth it but now alone i feel so worthless like i’m too good for you but also you’re better than me to believe that i could be for you or mayb...


March 11, 2015

portents in addressing the public

thumb me down it’s wasted time i wince with each crack down my spine how does one not feel overwhelmed? enveloped, suffocated, consumed i come off looking ever-placid but it’s more deliberate tha...


February 02, 2015

i say in addressing the public

if it’s too much, and i say i will hold your weight and piece together all the chess pieces and stomps upon your face could never change the fate you sealed on canvas and in paint these deliberat...


January 29, 2015

red hot in addressing the public

red and your tendons so strong and deep like my heartbeat pulse like the muscle i saw just there, beneath but weak like my heart strings pulled like a play-thing flushed with this blush and snap ...


December 29, 2014

anxiety in addressing the public

walled off and i miss you who i mean by “you” is unclear, even to me. it’s a love triangle, but only psychologically and i let my racing pulse prevent me from being how i want to be. and with bla...


Christmas lights on cloudy nights And where my mind must go Is to the time we kissed under an ornament Like it was mistletoe And I wish I didn’t ache for plans That I could let it be And I could ...


Ecris! Elle a dit Et je dois répondre Nous ne sommes pas amies Mais à elle, je tourne Coupable de tous Mais c’est quand même fou Coupable de quoi? Seulement fou à vous! Je m’adresse aux femmes Qu...


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