Entries 3,459
Page 39 of 139
may 8
Something that culturally feels like it must have happened, but didn’t, is Scooby-Doo meeting Gilligan’s Island. They both knew the Globetrotters, you’d figured they would’ve introduced them. ...
may 7
An Eminem/Smashmouth mash-up (smash-up?) called RAPSTAR built around the line “Some-BODY once told me, don’t eat Mom’s macaroni, you’ll puke when stage-fright goes to your head”. A goth Weeze...
may 6
Sometimes green highlights in black hair look great if you’re going for a goth or emo thing. Sometimes, though, it fails and just looks like you’ve made your hair an ad for Monster Energy Drink...
may 5
The clinical term for the fear of Italian food is “fettuccineafraido”. Death-metal covers of Imagine Dragons and you’re called Imagine Dungeons. Unlike Jesus, Hamlet died for all our indeci...
may 4
I declare that the little flavour-wad in the middle of a store-bought hummus be called “the nugget”. Sometimes you just gotta open a new one because you were really needing the hummus nugget th...
may 3
I don’t know how therapeutic reiki is or isn’t, I just know that if you say it two times in a row, it sounds like you’re scratching a record. It’s okay to admit that every time in your life y...
may 2
Love when a Twitter profile’s just a bunch of job titles there’s no way you could be all at the same time: “Manager/Actor/Writer/Trainer/Producer/Model/Influencer/Photographer/Lawnmower Repair”...
may 1
You promised Tarantino you were going to wear open-toed sandals but you showed up in closed-toe sandals and now he’s calling you a Crocs tease. Even the best periscope is sub optimal. If Co...
apr 30
Only a little iced tea left? Put more ice in there. A LOT more ice in there. Repeat until you have homeopathic iced tea. A show about the security guards for a gated-community’s homeowners as...
apr 29
If someone claims to be knowledgeable on Scottish history but seems suspiciously ignorant on the topic, yell “PICTS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN”. I hope we get aliens from Vega here, some day, and ev...
apr 28
An emo song called “Don’t Fear The Weeper”. Yeah, Hogwarts has chocolate frogs, that’s cool. But you know what’s REALLY cool? CARMEL CARMEL CARMEL CARMEL CHAMELEONS. It just struck me that ...
apr 27
Any time I read the phrase “youth hockey” I briefly imagine it means that they use children as the puck. The Kings of Leon are releasing their album as a Bitcoin? Damn, first just their sex w...
apr 26
Name-brand string cheese just hits different. Napkin pitch for season two of Wandavision: Wanda and Darcy go on a Thelma & Louise - style roadtrip together to try and get her mind off the...
apr 25
If the publicly intoxicated are thrown in the drunk tank, are the publicly stoned thrown in the dank tank? I like to imagine that for over two centuries, the seven Presidents of the United St...
apr 24
In England, the head of a restaurant kitchen is called a “Cheoff”. We only serve one dish: General Tsiao’s Chicken in a bread bowl. We are PANDERA EXPRESS. A surrealistic drunken tour of a ...
apr 23
Pizza Hut Pringles: once you PARP, you don’t starp! I love how the GOP’s only possible logical defense for using a Nazi-appropriated rune in their set design would be “No no, we’re just sayin...
apr 22
Single-issue extremists falling down the rabbit hole of getting more and more repellent allies as they look for anyone who will back them up, it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so deleterious t...
apr 21
I AM NOT A DANIMAL, the yogurt screamed, I AM A YOPLATIPUS! A country song entitled SHE STOLE MY TWEEZERS SO I HAD TO SHAVE MY EARS INSTEAD. If you want to make a bad children’s movie, you ...
apr 20
Caught smoking behind the refrigerated birds exhibit, the manager just ordered the stoned zoologist into a meeting. “HR.” she said, “Puffin Stuff.” We’re gonna make your yardcare real easy by...
apr 19
In the 1960s, American public schools were systematically exorcised of their ghosts in the controversial practice that came to be known as Forced Bustin’. It did not necessarily make everyone f...
apr 18
“Bronson Pinchot’s been working out,” she cooed, “that’s one bulky Bartokamous.” Tim Allen wakes up in an insane asylum, gripped by the delusion he inherited the role of Father Christmas in T...
apr 17
Be pedantic about 1990s post-grunge. “If you think about it, Big Head Todd was the REAL Monster.” A parody of Beck’s “Loser” about MTV News’ Kurt Loder would mystify anyone more than ten year...
apr 16
How does Seal not have a “Kiss From A Rosé” wine on the market? A D&D item that specifically enhances Bard spells called The Orb of Royerson. WANTED: THE JOKER. FOR THE CRIMES OF: PICKI...
apr 15
“FedEx/UPS erotic fan-fiction?” “Ship it!” Your pain, your trauma, it didn’t make you who you are, not really. How you dealt with it, how you processed it, what you took from the process of h...
apr 14
In the end, pop music is the astrology of entertainment, saying vague things about relationships & empowerment literally anyone of any birthdate or identity can identify with. Tofu to soak...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
