Entries 3,529
Page 38 of 142
aug 10
Watching the stands at Citi during the New York Mets game tonight, I remember why I am so comfortable in baseball stands and at comic-cons: both locations make me feel thinner and more in-shape...
aug 9
A painting of a Craftsman cordless drill with the caption: “This Is Not A Drill”. The painting will be called “The Treachery of Advertising”. An Alanis Morissette starring horror movie YOU OU...
aug 8
Why say “corrupt petrol-state” when you can say “fuel economy”? Why say “Pizza Meal-Ready-to-Eat” when you can say “Prepperoni Pizza”? Nostalgia fandom is fighting the same war raging thru ...
aug 7
If they make a hip-hop musical about Martin Van Buren as a sequel to HAMILTON, we already have the main theme. MARTIIIIIIN, MARTIIIIIIN, HOW Y’ALL BEEN. It’ll be great. We are locked in. Had ...
aug 6
Ollie is relaxing on a cool spot of the hardwood and I sing to him “LET THE DOGGIE SIT THE FLOOR, LET THE DOGGIE SIT THE FLOOR, LET THE DOGGIE SIT THE FLOOR”. No, IDEAS have meaning. Words ar...
aug 5
When you need to write two frat boys as secondary villains in a comedy, I implore you to name them “Marshall Bennington the Third” and “Chester Matthers the Fourth”. This is important. It reall...
aug 4
It calls forth an angry spirit that forces you to not skip leg day. It is The Master of Thighs by Suzanne Summoner. Sequel to HOME ALONE where The Snowshovel Slasher, a serial killer of negle...
aug 3
Too many people believe that freedom means “freedom from empathy” when everyone being freed from empathy means, pretty quickly, nearly everyone has no freedom at all. We could just as easily ...
aug 2
There weren’t enough GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR DOUCHE jokes when the billionaires pretended to be astronauts because no human needs or deserves that much money in 50 lifetimes. Let’s do better ne...
aug 1
No, Mr. Drowning Pool, there’s indeed something wrong with you. You are in Drowning Pool, that is indeed wrong. I just wonder: are you in Drowning Pool because there’s something wrong with you ...
july 31
If you think about it, a completely valid alternate title for Donnie Darko would be “Echo And The Bunnymen”. A parody of that Shawn Mullins song “Lullabye” about the Showbiz Pizza Bear. “Ever...
july 30
A strident screed about Italian cuisine is a manipesto. So did the Muadib show up in Space Jam and make it SPICE JAM or… If you morph your hands into bird talons and rip his genitals off be...
july 29
Jimmy Buffet’s arraignment of “O Fortuna” called “Carmina Bahamas”. Closed-casket for the peering-impaired. Make a bike out of copy paper and call it a “stationery bicycle”. The only thin...
july 28
“Once You Pop, You Don’t Stop” and “You Can’t Eat Just One” are both just a hair away from the slogan “YOU WILL BECOME PHYSICALLY ADDICTED TO THESE CHIPS”. GIMME THE BEANS, BOYS, TO FILL THIS...
july 27
A Japanese video game about childrens’ dances called HOKEY POKEY PANIC. Does Optimus Prime poop from his semi colon? Sometimes, you just want to wear a shirt with the word SANDWICH on it, i...
july 26
Cross-stitch is some hard Emmanuel labor. As we are around 80% water, occasionally we must drink something that’s 80% alcohol, to balance it out, you know, from time to time. A woodworking ...
july 25
“Ten billion,” he whispered. “Thanks,” she replied, “that means a lot to me.” The Terminator statue at the El Rancho Drive-In looks almost exactly like Lou Reed. It’s amazing. Loki, riding ...
july 24
In Soviet Russia, dragons imagine YOU! I can’t believe that the fragility of American masculinity hasn’t tried to re-brand male pedicures as “getting your bronails done”. The heart of a neu...
july 23
Slugging percentage is pretty, it’s flashy, have a fun weekend with it but it’ll eventually ghost you, let you down. On-base percentage, man, if it consistently singles and walks, you put a rin...
july 22
A Lou Reed themed breakfast cereal called Metal Machine Mueslix. If the machine we’re supposed to rage against is Machine Gun Kelly, all the better. The first rule of Oak Club is orc hits y...
july 21
…HI, I’m on Wings, WHAT, I’m on Wings, WHO, I’m on Wings, wicka-wick, TIM DALY… A start-up website for potato recipes: SPUDIFY. Like a great airship felled by the awful summer weather, I sc...
july 20
How much juul could a Jewel juul juul if a Jewel juul could juul juul? The first rule of Floral Club is “mums the word”. The second rule of Floral Club is “mums the word”. Monday, July 5th ...
july 19
Can Bobcat Goldthwait do a distant sequel to SHAKES THE CLOWN called SHAKES ON A PLANE? Listened to a Neko Case song about how people were looked down on for being from Tacoma… and I thought ...
july 18
Neil Degrasse Tyson haughtily explaining that Science Diet is not actually made of science, it is just pet food. A film about the glorious battle to evict the boringness that is IKEA from Ame...
july 17
BLACK PANTHER 3: FINDING NAMOR I found those Geico ads irritating immediately, right from the gecko. England should colonize lower Oregon just so that their regent there could be called the...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
