Too much. in Like No One Is Reading

I just am.

Too much for myself, too much for anyone else, just too much. I’m equal parts overwhelmed and overwhelming.

It was said that I am seeing things through “this lens of ADHD” and, really, that made me cry. It felt dismissive. I’m fairly confident in my belief that this person would never intentionally make me feel that way, which is why I didn’t express myself about it immediately. It felt dismissive but I was able to control my reaction to that feeling, to take time to really think about what was being said and how I was interpreting it.

It’s not a lens. I don’t see through it. It’s the way my brain functions. I’m seeing things from the inside of those things. And knowing, finally, that this is ADHD, that my brain is not wired like other brains, is what has allowed me to see things much more clearly. ADHD is who I am. I finally understand a lot of things about myself that have always made me feel like a weirdo, a freak. I’m able to see those things differently now, to recognize and accept them as perfectly normal aspects of my neurodivergent personality - and that I’m not anywhere near as weird or awkward as I’ve always felt I was.

I understand that you have never seen me that way, as weird and awkward. That does not mean that the state itself does not exist within me. It’s completely and utterly internalized. I saw(see) myself that way because that’s how I felt about myself. I spent my whole life analyzing my own behavior and carefully mimicking what I believed were “normal” and socially acceptable behaviors. Like, I literally got married and had babies because I was pretending to be what I was taught as the social norm? I’ve stayed in abusive relationships because I thought that’s what I was “supposed” to do and then hidden the fact that I was in an abusive relationship from everyone outside of it because “that’s nobody’s business.” I have faked my way through every job interview ever. Oh, yes, I’m perfectly capable of handling a fast-paced, high-stress environment! I’m great at team work! I’m a calm, cool professional! All lies.

I literally feel as if I’ve lived my entire life as another person entirely.

I’m really excited by these discoveries I’m making. I’m excited to finally meet myself. Who am I under the mask? I mean, this whole process started over 2 years ago, this meeting of myself. I met me and I’m still getting to know me and learning new things about myself is exciting. To not be trapped inside my own head is exciting. To have the language necessary to verbalize things I have never spoken of before, things I was terrified to speak, is exciting. Feeling okay enough with myself to say things out loud is exciting. And having someone I love, someone I consider to be my closest friend, actually listen to me, hear me, and still love me? That shit’s super exciting.

But when my excitement causes that person anxiety… That is not so exciting. And I’m recognizing that… yeah. I’m too much. Equal parts overwhelmed and overwhelming. AND THAT’S OKAY. I get hyperactive and I talk too much. When I’m excited about something and hyperactive, I talk WAY too much and fast. And you know what happens to me when someone else is talking to me that way? I get overwhelmed and anxious.

So, yes, my feelings were hurt today but I was able to (almost) immediately get them under control, slow my brain down, and process exactly what I was feeling and why. I thought I was sharing my excitement, and I was, just not in the greatest way. My brain moves faster than my mouth but my mouth sure does make a good effort at keeping up with it, eh?

I will try to be more conscious going forward and also maybe just avoid this particular topic if possible, at least verbally. I feel like it’s more manageable for myself and others if I write about these things rather than talking about them. It’s just… I don’t talk to people (besides my kids) very much. Like, with my voice. At least 75% of all of my communication is text. Okay, probably more like… 90%. I don’t know. I get downright giddy when my phone rings, okay? I am starved for human contact, for friendship, for love, understanding, and acceptance - because I finally feel worthy of those things. So, when I do get to speak to a real, live person, all of the words try to come out at the same time, like a word race, how many words can escape my mouth in the next 4 seconds? How can I fit all the things I want to say in the next 10 minutes? By saying them really, really quickly. But I have ADHD, so all the words get all jumbled and out of order and start not making sense and I start talking in circles and oh my fucking god I’m overwhelmed just reading myself writing about it.

Last updated April 26, 2021