Entries 15
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I prayed today.
I prayed for a deadly painful disease to strike me. I prayed for a stray car to run me over. I prayed to fall asleep in the bath tub. I prayed to slip down the flight of stairs and land “wrong”. ...
Divorce
I finally brought up the topic of divorce to my husband. It seems lately we cause more harm than good for each other, though he disagrees with that statement. I’m not entirely sure it’s not mostl...
Selfish Entitlements
I am so sick of people feeling like they have a life that is worth bitching about. I hate watching as people share memes related to tragedies, how they complain about their past and solicit sympa...
eh tu, Brute?
My brothers been staying with my father. The same father who molested, berated, and abused us. The same father i dedicated my entire life to keeping him from. The same father that has induced su...
Memories That Huant Me (Trigger Warning)
When I was young, my father and only guardian was often gone for what seemed like weeks at a time. The only testament to him still living in the run down house we occupied, were the meals I had l...
Some Lines From Poe
But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. Nothing farther then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered— ...
Poem #5: Souls As Currency
Souls as Currency I hover between what is real, and what is not. My mind seems trapped, forever lost in hauntingly deep thought For once in my life, I just wish to be A creature of perfect, si...
Poem #4: A Tempest Soul
Watch the lightning, spiderweb, across the midnight sky. The hairs on your arm stand on end, and beg for you to fly. The rolling clouds call your name, and the crackling energy in the breeze, yo...
A Twisted Valentine
I wish i could say my Valentines day went great: I wish i could brag about it and look back later and remember it fondly. but not this one, i won’t. I had originally forgot it was valentines day...
Why Am I Disintegrating
Every day has become worse rather than better. The old tricks dont work like they used to. My husband is always scared to talk to me now, and un-happy. He says im always angry and nothings ever g...
The Undying Witch
Does it bubble up inside? Or slowly seethe within Does it cower down below, And only strike now and then? Does it hide silently: allowing just enough time to forget? Is it then it rears it’s ugl...
And another poem i forgot to post:
The Rains Serenade I stand looking up at the rain, whith rivluts running down my body in a small stream. I let the water claim me as its own, while inside I silently scream. Old freinds the r...
A poem i forgot to post:
The Lunar Children The crow caws his song softly, and the owl coos her response, while the moon hovers full, and it’s ghostly glow taunts. It shimmer and shines, and plays in the dark, it calls t...
Rules To Play By; So You Don't End Up Hurt
-Your never as important as you think you are. -Always prepare for the worse possible outcome. -Always remember humans are selfish creatures. Including yourself. -To believe or hope is to be ni...
How Do You Say It Was Too Little Too Late
How do you tell someone that even though they tried, it wasn’t good enough for you. How do you tell someone that in the end, it was over before they tried to fix it? How do you make someone under...
Book Description
I’ve never been good at keeping a journal. My life doesn’t permit me the kind of time writing (or typing as the case may be) requires. But as with any journal i started as a child, i’ll introduce myself to the few who might read this. To be honest i don’t really know what to tell you as far as who I am. I’m not sure i entirely know anymore. i feel like somedays i’m one person, and others I’m an entirely different. But i guess ill spout the same mechanical answer i’ve been giving for my adult life.
Hi, I’m Whisper. I’m 22, have two beautiful children. A wonderful loving husband. And a boyfriend.
If i had a penny for all the questions I’m asked over the scenario. If i had a cent for all the dirty looks, the “whore”s, the “your going to hell”s (as if polygamy isn’t in the bible… but the bible was a mans world.) and the multitude of judgments thrown my way, i wouldn’t be wallowing in debt and struggling to provide for my family. Then you have the women who think its wonderful. “oh your so lucky! two men to fawn over you!”. Its not as glorious as it sounds. If you’ve ever truly cared or two people simultaneously, you would understand how complicated and exhausting it is. And honestly? Its not what it was meant to be, but ill save that for another entry later. So back to the insults.
I like to think im a strong women. I did my time in the military. Joined at 16, graduated basic with one of the top female scores in our platoon. I survived the hell i was put through as a child by my father, a cousin, and a few pervy attepmts by a step father. I protected my younger brother (from more than he deserved, honestly.) Hes turned out quite the delinquet, i wonder if part of its my fault for sheltering him; for taking too many beatings meant for him. for keeping him in the dark about the worlds cruelest truths. Maybe he would have been better had i not been proud and tried to be a “hero”. He tells me i ruined his life to this day, and that i was never there for him. Maybe hes right, maybe it was always me stroking my own ego.
It doesnt seem to matter that a polygomous relationship wasnt my idea. it doesnt matter i had only been with one man prior to the other. It doesnt matter how good a person you are. in todays society, its so easy to become a target of hate. everyones miserable with somthing in there life, and they all want a scape goat. I guess i get tired of it being me though. Im tired of playing the “hero”. Im tired. Im 22, but im ready for my life to be over honestly. I wake up everyday and dedicate my life to my two sons, my husband, and our boyfriend. My husband tries his damndest to help. he watches me spiral helplessly and does everything he can. hes been there to brush my hair and wipe the tears away. hes been there to hold me and hide all the razor blades and ropes. But it never seems enough. Its a bandaid on a deadly festering wound. I love him, but a husband is supposed to be your best friend. And mine is/was, but i longed for somthing more. I think here recently, in my dark times, ive found that. Maybe its the “one more grain of rice to tip the scales”, but it seems to be working. Its a slow, upward slope. and im still not sure i will ever make it out of this whole i was born in, but between my kids, my husband, and my new found friend: I think im starting to see the light a little. I dont know if its enough pull me out of my next dark dip. But i know its more than i’ve felt i had in a while.
Maybe i just needed some sort of a support system i never felt i had in anybody but my husband. I know hes feeling inadequate he wasn’t able to “fix” me with all the time and effort hes put in. Its hard to not feel like a problem, to not feel guilty for being so broken and having to depend on others wills to live. Its hard not to feel guilty for not being able to fix myself. I find myself staring at our tree in the back yard and imagine dangling from it far too often. As much as i know thats not ok, it brings me a strange comfort that there really is always another option when everything just hurts too much. When breathing fiills my lungs with pain and my chest with an uncomfortable fullness. I think I died along time ago honestly. And i’m only now learning to try to live again.
