eh tu, Brute? in Reality is never really real.

My brothers been staying with my father.

The same father who molested, berated, and abused us. The same father i dedicated my entire life to keeping him from. The same father that has induced such a complex in me, that i will never find myself worthy of owning this human skin I masqerade around in.

I’ve been letting him and his pregnant girlfriend stay with me, even though I myself am currently in a very small 2 room and a small bathroom situation. There wasnt privacy, to say the least.

The girl is 6months, and hasnt seen a doctor but once. I’ve been calling and getting her insurence, appointments, and other essentials in order where I can, because she is utterly un-interested in it. I should add they are both barely adults, and have nothing. I even gave my only vehicle to him to use at his disposal.

He mentioned the week before a friend of his had a place by the river my brother could stay fairly cheap, 200 a month. The same friend found him a vehicle for 450$. In the month my brother had been staying with me, he only managed to save 200 dollars from his 1200$ monthly ( 300/week) checks. He didn’t have any bills while living with me. I provided food ad took care of the utilities. But still: I offered him 300$ to help get the vehicle, and make some minor repairs, with the stipulation it be paid back before he lost his temp job. (which was going to happen in 3 weeks: hes unable to reliably show up to work and it was HIGHLY unlikely he was getting the full time position.)

He asked to keep my vehicle and stay at the friends for a week, and I allowed it. A few days later, throgh the family grape vine, i was told our father helped him get the vehicle (for 250$), and that THAT was where he was staying.

Of course i called the family member a liar, and full of shit. I knew my brother, he’d never do that. And he’d never lie to me. I essentially raised that boy.

After calling and questioning Riley (henceforth the brothers name) on the matter, i was met with silence at the other end of the phone. And then a drawn out “Yeah…I am staying with him.”

To say my world shattered would be putting it mildly. Riley put his girls, and unborn daughters life in danger putting them within throwing distance of that man. My vehicle, loaded with personal information had been in my fathers posession for several days, almost a week. Riley had lied to me for almost two weeks, always mentioning the name of the guy helping him as “his buddy”. Never have I been taken for a fool so much as he took me for.

Of course me, being me, i calmly handled the situation.

I demanded my vehicle home by nightfall, or i would report it stolen. I threw all of the couples belongings on the front porch, locked my door, and demanded the money he scammed me out of. Of course i didn’t get the money, but i did get my van. Along with a can of fix a flat sprayed all over my drivers seat, window, and door. And of course none other than the Father himself showed up to help them load up their shit.

So now my piss-poor psycopathic excuse for a father potentially has my personal information, knows where me and my babies live, and I’m sure is feeling victorious in his triumph over getting my brother. The brother who led that bastard back into mine and his life.

I’ll never forgive him for it. And I’ll never forgive myself for not being smart enough, for not being STRONG enough, to fight through willful ignorance of his character. I will never forgive myself for thinking i was special and allowing this to happen. Because i knew, subconciously i knew things didn’t add up.

My previous entry was dedicated to huanting memmories that plauged me these last few weeks. You would think by now i would learn to listen to my instincts.

To everyone around me asking if I’m ok, i laugh and say yes. Beam that perfect smile they want to see, and move on. But I havn’t slept in almost three days now. I sent my kids to my mothers for a while, and i dream of finding solace in the bottom of a bottle. But decidedly it seems, i’m a terrible drunk. I get tipsy too fast and quit drinking to avoid falling in a bitter black hole and releasing my secret to the world.

I’m not ok. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I’ve wasted 23 years trying to plan for a future for a boy who never seen me as anything more than a tool to use at his disposal. I don’t even really know who I am. I just know i seem to be here as a stepping stone for everyone around me. I try to take comfort in the fact that at least in that case i’m useful, but it denys me even that.

I am so utterly lost and broken.

But to be fair, i cant remember a time when I wasn’t. Not even as a child. So its almost morbidly funny that even here, in the feelings i’ve known all my life: I’m not satisfied and no longer can be comforted.

I sympathize with Ceasar in that it appeared no matter what he did and where he went, he thought he always had at least the loyalty of one. It seems we were both fools. Human hearts are fickle and cruel. One more reason to loathe my own.

Last updated March 11, 2018