Divorce in Reality is never really real.

I finally brought up the topic of divorce to my husband. It seems lately we cause more harm than good for each other, though he disagrees with that statement. I’m not entirely sure it’s not mostly on my end, to be honest. I seem incapable of opening up and allowing anyone close, especially these past few months.

If course there were the obvious questions: is there some one else? Do I not love him anymore? The answer was no to both accounts. I love him as much today as i ever did, and where as i wouldnt leave him for another man, i might just leave him for myself.

Strangely enough, I’m utterly uninterested in romance in the least. I think I want a nice, single mom and her boys life. I realized it feels more like a partnership between us now, he makes the money while I raise the kids. And I’m not interested in living off anyone.

He’s always angry and frustrated with our children. I know he’s stressed, and he’s never physically violent, but he is short tempered. I want better for them. Even if it’s just me by myself. When making the trip to pick up our babies from my mother on the weekend, he remarked he hoped it was flooded, and we couldn’t make it there. I missed them, I had the complete opposite reaction. Those tiny humans are literally my heart and soul.

I think maybe he can’t move on from life as just us. I know he loves the kids, but I’m not entirely sure he knew how much would change raising 2 of them. And sometimes I feel he’d be less stressed and a better weekend dad.

So I told him all of this. Because that’s just what I do I guess. Honest to a fault. And he says he’s going to work on it, and he has this passed week. But what about months from now. Years? Will I always be stuck at home, going no where, cleaning my life away and feeling like I’m the only one capable of handling our babies?? Will I always be scared to go anywhere because I know his patience is thin and I don’t want to leave them with him too long? Will I always choose to just stay caged because it’s easier than dragging the ball and chain around where I go?? (He hates leaving the house). I would rather be alone than sit there and slowly start to despise the help I felt I should have had.

No. I don’t want that. I can’t live like that anymore. He says he’s going to change, so I’ll give him time to show me it can be better. But sometimes I’m afraid I’ve lived in this shadow so long, it’s too little too late. Maybe i’ve changed??

I feel numb to everything around me anymore. I hurt from so much in just the past few months, I think it was enough to flip the switch. If it’s not my kids, Im having a really hard time caring about anything. I feel like I’ve intentionally shrank my bubble world to surround just the 3 of us, no one in, no one out. I feel like I can do it, I can manage this: just us, right??

What kind of chances does my husband have against that kind of impenetrable wall. And even though I’m aware I’ve constructed it: I don’t know how to let anyone else in. It’s as if I’m a prisoner as much as the guardian. But if he can try, so can i.

I guess that’s all either of us can do, is try. And hope.

And that’s terrifying.