How Do You Say It Was Too Little Too Late in Reality is never really real.

How do you tell someone that even though they tried, it wasn’t good enough for you. How do you tell someone that in the end, it was over before they tried to fix it? How do you make someone understand that maybe it really was them, but that’s ok, Because sometimes people just don’t work. How can you sit and have talk after talk after talk and ask them to change, but when they do....it’s not good enough. It was too late. It took too many talks, and the feelings were gone by the last. It should have been a break up talk, not a “I still need you to try harder” talk.

Is it my fault for being weak?? Am I such a pansy now that I can’t muster the strength to hurt someone even if it’s what’s good for me?? Even if that someone continually makes the same decisions and general lack of caring choices over and over, and leaves me feeling un appreciated, boring, and generally less. I will never regain the self esteem he has taken from me, but despite my hurt and anger, I can’t bring myself to tell him “Yes, it is your fault. Yes, you weren’t enough. And yes, things could have been different if you would have tried harder and earlier in the relationship.”

Like damn…when I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, not the entire relationship. (Stolen from a Facebook meme, but very accurate)

I spent last night forcing myself to be cuddly, to lay on his chest and snuggle into his warmth hoping it would spark those feelings of butterflies, or atleast his smell would stir some of those feelings.

Nothing.

Nothing besides his body warmth, and the convenient pillow his arm made. Even as he lightly traced patterns over my arm with his fingertips, I lay there trying to unravel why I couldn’t feel anything. Kissing him has become more of a chore, and I’ve avoided intimate relations for almost a month now.

I know its over for me. But even now I’m so weak, I allow myself to live in this forced affectionate hell just so that he can feel loved and remain comfortable and unhurt. Do i really have such little self worth??

The answer is yes. Yes I do.

Last updated October 24, 2017