A Twisted Valentine in Reality is never really real.

I wish i could say my Valentines day went great: I wish i could brag about it and look back later and remember it fondly. but not this one, i won’t.

I had originally forgot it was valentines day, and planned to play video games with a friend of mine that evening. When the day rolled arond though, i had forgotten about making those plans (because i never would have on V Day) . So i speant the day excited and expectant for my husbands plans, who planned nothing and was angry at me for already setting up somthing, that i had forgotten about.

This didnt come to light until late that night, when i couldnt figure out why my husband was incredibly depressed angry and short with me. I had planned a little bit of stuff, but nothing he was interested in doing. i was hurt, angry, and confused, and eventually my anger got the better of me and i lashed out at him. and only then, did he tell me why he was so upset. the entire mess could have been avoided had he mentined his misgiving before. but this was only the warm up for our following altercation.

back story: There is a friend, a male friend, i message frequently. We’ve never met in person, and i doubt we ever will. Recently it seems he’s developed stronger feelings for me, feelings i do not, can not and will not reciprocate. not in the way he wishes. Hes mentioned talking privately, and some other more intamite details. I don’t feel these feelings are any reason for me to discontinue my friendship with him, but my husband disagrees. This is also the friend i accidentally made plans with on V-Day. So I understand why my husband was upset about it.

My inability to quit the friend has become an object of much debate in our relationship. I do not delete any messages, sent or recieved. And my husband has all passwords to all my accounts. He occasionally reads the messages, and it bothers him my friend “disrespects him”, by saying things such as his proclaimed feelings and some of our other conversations. Ive mentioned to my friend a long time ago his messages could be read, and that i wouldnt delete any of the content, though im not sure if he remembers that at times. Im not interested in being shady in my relationship at the least.

My husband has said several times that I allow this friend too much freedom, and that i havnt established proper bounderies. I suppose i can see his point, though i have told the friend that i cannot return his feelings. but i value his friendship. Which i do, enough to risk my relationship. i dont feel that i’ve ever met anyone who understands my depression better than my friend, and i feel like im a valuable part in his life, if only as someone to talk to. My husband has always been unavailable and lacking in understanding of my darker days. He trries, he’ll sit and try to get me to talk. but i can try to explain a feeling or emotion for hours and he just doesnt get it, where as i can mention it to my friend and he does. I guess that kind of connection is somthing i didnt want to give up.

I’m worried about my friend also. It seems hes been hurt pretty bad in the past, and has a bit of emotional instability from it. with his recent confession of feelings, i feel backed into a corner. My husband is angry saying i told you so, and my friend is trusting me not to hurt him. I fully expect him to see this entry at some point in time, and im not looking foward to the emotional imploding it will lead to. I feel stuck, i cant go back without causing pain, im unwilling to move foward, and staying stationary is also causing harm to my relationship. Part of me is almost angry that ive been put into this position by both my friend and my husband. but then i realize i allowed myself to fall here, so theres really only me to blame.

The Altercation:

My husband can’t live like this. hes developed depression due to my inability to simply choose him over my friend. He feels that if he was important, and that if i cared about him, i wouldnt allow another person to cause these issues in our relationship. He went to several of his friends for opinions, and they agree. that im being selfish and that im not putting him as a priority. Actually, im entirely alone in my fight to remain a friends with the other man, besides him his self.

We discussed divorce.

There is no other man i want helping to raise my children then their father. Despite what others say, and he thinks, that man has always been my number one. But the only way he will continue to be is if i stop my friendship. He doesnt seem to understand, or care about the emotional damage it would cause me to cut off the friend. how many promises i would be breaking. What if the friend sinks so low he commits suicide? What if i just reafirm his beleif he should never open up to people? What if I’m responsible for ruining yet another life when all i ever wanted was to help and be an object of importance in someones. And am i supposed to go back to looking that dark void in the face alone? To spend my bad days pretending im ok and never mentioning it, because no one around me knows how to relate? I would go back to being alone, to existing just out of reach from the human world surounding me. but at this point im losing my family as well as what little bit of friends i do have. so do i really have a choice??

Divorce, and wither and die. Remain buried under emotional resposibility and suffocate. Or sever the link that made you feel sane in the world.

Happy Valentines Day to me.

Last updated February 20, 2018