Miss Chiffs Manager (One) ⋅ 38 ⋅
Mom! / Biodynamic Urban Farmer / Naturopathic Doctor / Anthroposophist / Mystic / Avid Reader / Writer Extraordinaire / In Pursuit of Moral, Physical, and Intellectual Excellence.
The ending is written into the beginning
Entries 743
Page 21 of 30
Shackles and Bad Coffee in Journal
Sums up my first experience of MOPS. I showed up and the oppression of small talk began. No one asked an interesting question. No one wanted to reveal any fact or facet of themselves that might r...
I have Questions in Journal
that I would love to ask. I’d love to ask anybody. I think asking the real questions is what allows us to really know one another. But, particularly parents. I have questions that I would love...
I Tried Very Hard to in A Childhood Lost
Ignore my brother as soon as I discovered that I had a choice. For my entire life, I have carried the guilt, shame, and embarrassment of how I was to my brother when we were little. I still carr...
Mom in A Childhood Lost
I’ve started to realize that I guard my vulnerability closely. Even now, after so much work and opening up and trying so hard to connect with that vulnerability. It is distant. Aloof. When I thi...
Unlovable or Just in A Childhood Lost
unloved? I have thought to myself in the past, why must I always spurn and reject the love offered to me? Which is, at once tragic and hopelessly nihilistic. I took the blame, always, for being...
Life, in General in Journal
is great. But first, the complaints. I have poison ivy and it’s itchy and stingy as fuck. My mind is often confused as to what I want to do, what I am doing, and why any of it is happening. I wo...
somewhere odd. It was a place that seemed somehow timeless, and I knew that I was dreaming. I don’t think that makes the dream any less meaningful, though. Perhaps moreso. I am often aware that I...
A Part of me Asks in A Childhood Lost
Why am I not loved? At one time another part would respond that I am not worth loving. No one loves me, and that is proof enough. Another, or the same, part might then suggest that my parents “l...
What did you play? in A Childhood Lost
Kids make up stories in their imaginative play about what they experience. It might be de-personalized (actually I think it almost always is) and roles reversed, or maybe not. It is concerning to...
Vampires, maybe? in Dreams
I was in a room that was dark and smallish. It contained several sets of tables and chairs, and seemed to be a box made entirely of dark, oil stained wood. It was an oppressive place. Silently, ...
Being a superhero in Dreams
In this dream, I was a kid and my name was Velventina. This was distinctly my name, although i have never heard it before in my life. I was the middle child, between a younger sister and an olde...
Don't know what it Means in Dreams
From what I remember of the dream, I think that I became pregnant again, and I was with DH and our son, and a newborn. LOL We were out and about- for reasons unknown to me- walking around a town ...
Bitcoin & Berries in Journal
Did I mention we’re rich now? Haha. It still feels surreal. We have downgraded our status; moved to a cheaper place, less stuff, less overhead, less to do. No AC. Overall, I like it. We go to th...
The Anthropology of, is an absolutely fascinating read. A bit difficult in that abhorrent crimes against humanity are reported as dry statistics. But also jaw dropping in scope. I guess it brings...
Sensing Feeling in Dreams
DH and I were exploring/cleaning out a new house. The thing seemed endless, and when it came to be night, we put our son to sleep in an adjacent room and kept working awhile before retiring. In t...
Talking with DH yesterday, he divulged to me that his dad had called him Evil. I was, of course, shocked and appalled and reacted rather strongly to this news. According to DH, the exact words w...
Quote in A Childhood Lost
From Thou Shalt Not Be Aware by Alice Miller. Emphasis my own. …In therapy, my colleague’s four-year-old patient immediately assumed the active role of the aggressor as a way of describing to her...
You Can't Run Away in Journal
from your problems. To anyone who says this, I reply with congeniality, Fuck You. And I mean that sincerely. The very first thing that I consider when someone says this is, how is that working ...
What is So Wrong in Journal
with creating meaning and purpose from our children? I have been thinking about this since yesterday, when I revealed to semi-acquaintance at Judo that I wanted more kids. Another Judoka said so...
Melancholy in A Childhood Lost
I love to write. I love writing writing writing writing. The pen on paper gliding so smoooothly, leaving perfectly orchestrated lines of print behind, the meaning of which can forever be seen by ...
Last week, I saw my therapist and we spoke about what I want, why. I was concerned that what I wanted would be an immoral proposition- at least for my son. But, after 2 long years of therapy and ...
I wanted to in Journal
take a nap, but I kept imagining that my son was crying. After checking on him twice (nothing- he’s sound asleep) I imagined falling down the stairs over and over. Sometimes I wonder where these...
On a thought, a realization. I remember the moment that I realized that my mom was never going to be capable of seeing me as a person. That moment when she screamed at me that I had no feelings....
Shouldn't I in Journal
be angry? After all that… over a year ago we agreed. Over six months ago we implemented. And, DH has been resistant and defensive the whole time. We agreed that he works too much. We agreed that...
Why do I do this in Journal
to myself? I must believe, at some level, that I deserve to be subjected to sadistic, controlling, mean, angry, abusive men. My behavior is the evidence. We can choose to do bad things, but we ...
