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I realized after pouring over years of math that the opposite of Donald Trump is Bob Ross he served honorably in the military he had lots of hair he was calming and beloved he was actually g...

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1.) If someone says you’re over the hill, just say “That’s a pretty lucky hill, then” and wink. 2.) Of course the Republican party loves football. Where do you find people brain-damaged enough to...

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maybe but probably not you will witness no magic because that’s what you are an anti-magic avatar disspelling the fog of a blinded demiurge believing itself a god, itself the God weaving ...

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you did the cool drugs ironically so you could go die off iconically but they could not even kill you to your depths of disappointment turns out that all your ...

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1.) Just once, one of these fake survival reality shows should end with a title card: “The star starved to death. The crew’s craft service table was ten feet away but we had to let him die for jo...

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1.) THE DREW CAREY SHOW was so unfunny, it wasn’t even funny how unfunny it was. 2.) If pressed to write a parody about Pavlov, I’d probably start with “SALIVATE TO BELLS, COME ON, IT’S A SALIVAT...

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1.) American right-wing political identity seems to be predicated on mistaking the Ferengi as the heroes of old Star Trek reruns as opposed to the third-tier comedy villains. 2.) Any song can be ...

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1.) They should’ve named Kramer on SEINFELD “Murray” so they could have called his entrances “Murray Pop-Ins”. 2.) The nerdiest possible name for an infomercial food-prep device would be a Dicin’...

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down at the crossroads you’d sell it for song but it’s all in the details and you’ve waited too long your sole salvation’s a total lack of self-control but give yourself a hand you’ve du...

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I spend ten dollars on the lotto each week. Two-dollar Powerball twice-weekly, two-dollar Mega Millions twice-weekly, the one-dollar standard twice-weekly as well. One pick per life-changing long...

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1.) Critiquing someone else’s critique is really just deconstructive criticism. 2.) Watching reruns on the Bzzr channel, I’ve realized “Celebrity Name Game” was actually an experiment to create t...

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1.) ACTUALLY, only the castle was called Wolfenstein. First person shooting games are Wolfenstein’s monster. 2.) Mostly, I’d just wanna write a Green Lantern Corp comic so I could have a minor ch...

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1.) My non-existent comedy rock band will always be called Screaming Viking but my non-existent post-grunge indie rock outfit is definitely now called Brainfog. 2.) My rule is, if you have to ask...

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I feel as though without my father I’ll never know the springtime and I’ll never know the autumn again wherever I happen to be the seasons will forever only hard-flip from freezing to burni...

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every moment there is joy and horror and beauty and tedium and love and sleep and eating and confusion and want and pain and ecstasy happening all over the world in the various nodes of h...

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the sun will shine upon us, brother the sun will shine on us, my friend the sun will shine on us someday again though I won’t lie and say that I know how though I won’t lie and say that I k...

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you may well be correct in your suspicions that you are a damaged secret genius and if the right person came along to fix your broken pieces, you could be a world-beater and the very best ...

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I dropped the roll of toilet paper and to retrieve it from my sitting position I had to delicately balance pulling it toward me without making it just unspool further and further and further ...

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1.) The film bored Dracula and the Wolfman but Frankenstein was just riveted. 2.) The apostle who didn’t show up to defend Jesus because he was too busy watching weird period pieces on PBS was fo...

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1.) Your ability to stay vividly angry for days straight at a time will be dubbed “temper tantra”. 2.) Tell the stories you needed when you were young or hurt or empty and you needed them but the...

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1.) Drama Machines have No Soul. 2.) Most of your heroes, accomplished well-to-do successes, spend most of their time deeply unhappy, cursing the world that they’re not a lot more famous, a lot r...

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an outdoor hot tub in a cheap motel in Sedona once looking up at the Red Rocks with a lover once looking up at desert stars with an ex once I was there once might as well have been an...

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1.) You take the good, you take the bad, you take ‘em both and then you have… a false dichotomy… a false dichotomy… 2.) If journalists had the guts to risk their access by calling out these basta...

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1.) Your chaotic-evil halfling bard spreading lies to aid the pretender king will be named Bilbo Reilly. 2.) The Great Space Coaster must do battle with the hot shots of the United States Air For...

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I went out to L.A. to help or at least that’s what I’d hoped to do. My brother and I lost our father in January, his father-in-law passed in July. I’d house-sat and tended business while Ma was o...

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