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1.) My current online journal (this one!) just turned 5, has over 3000 posts, over 1000 poem rough drafts (200 of which are decent) 150 song parodies (30 of which are decent) 100 short stories (2...

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reality, a vinyl record spun so many times it hiccups pops and skips, scratches in the dips betraying the circuitous motion that it plays endless inadvertent repetitions, back to back ...

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the two best ways to first try stand-up are either (a.) in front of strangers you will never see again or (b.) in front of friends who won’t judge you if you’re terrible the first time ...

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1.) I don’t need tattoos or piercings, I have rejection letter paper cut scars on the inside, crosshatching a Mona Lisa inside my rib cage and nothing done to my outsides could ever hope to compa...

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if you believe in anything beyond this mayfly short life I’m not saying there isn’t or is don’t believe that you can worship it with pretty words or sacrifice or prayers let alone by having...

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1.) If you asked me “what band would the NFL get for the Super Bowl to be the most aggressively inoffensive non-political thing possible?” I would answer “Maroon 5 can’t still be a thing so, like...

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He’d been a rock star once. Not just a “famous musician” or a “celebrity” but an actual rock star. He’d played loud, he’d been young and brash and stood for things or, anyway, at least had tried ...

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1.) Your vegan baloney substitute will be called Phogna Bologna. 2.) If you ever need a new name for drag, may I suggest the term “femulation”? 3.) The corny joke centre of the brain is the mazo...

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1.) Don’t write what you know, write what you feel. When you only write what you know, you get caught up in the literality of your experience and start going over the same details over and again....

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Sometimes, since my father’s passing, I can hear his advice in my head, I know what he’d tell me because he was a force of personality, because I knew him well, because he helped raise me. Like m...

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1.) If you regain your amateur status, did you pro-lapse? 2.) The problem with being a famous (whatever) is exactly that, that being famous is half the job and the thing that they actually do is ...

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1.) All that really separates us from the animals are the notion of recurrent debts, like car payments or student loans. Another point for the animals. 2.) Effort is only worth anything when what...

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1.) When the estate of Jonathan Larson approves a RENT-themed BBQ spice rub, I’m jumping in with “Seasonings of Love”. 2.) Your savory dinner-breads will be advertised with the slogan “Thyme… To ...

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1.) TARDIS underwear: “don’t worry, baby, it’s bigger on the inside” 2.) I finally realized where I recognized that “Gritty” mascot for the Philadephia hockey team from, he totally jumped out fro...

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passwords codeswitch dogwhistles whistle backs ten mega-bit encryptions wheaties rings could unload street slang confected on a lark made accidental real by the old loud speakers speaking...

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1.) I’m not “Dual-Wielding”, baby, I’m “Ambidangerous”. 2.) “A broken urinal,” he scoffed, “I won’t stand for this!” 3.) The muppets go to Sweden and find the chef can’t translate and upon resea...

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when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object both will yield when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object they annihilate each other when an unstoppable force meets ...

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1.) Hard-Of-Hearing Spider-Man lives by a single motto: something about grape flowers, his uncle was really into grape flowers. 2.) Aging is really just terrifyingly slow uncontrollable shapeshif...

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1.) An upscale version of “My Drunk Kitchen” called “Soused-Vide”. 2.) The low-key worst part of Hall of Fame balloting is that even obvious non-choices get to be on it their first year. Like som...

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It was time to eat. I live off the residue of human emotion, I eat them (to use your words) and the stronger ones taste the most delicious but large waves of weak negative emotions are what reall...

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1.) A series of infomercials where Lou Ferigno endorses a line of sponges called “Loofa Ringos”. 2.) Dear billionaires, please fund a lavish woman-led remake of Lawrence of Arabia called FLORENCE...

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1.) If you’re a Patriots fan and cheer for the team, that’s your loyalty & your prerogative. But at least admit Tom Brady is a terrible fraud of a human being, despite being good at football ...

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1.) People who hate cheat codes in video games that ruin competitiveness, that mean some people don’t have to know how to be good at anything, but don’t understand that inherited wealth is the sa...

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1.) The Dairy Council is strongly unified, they watch out for each udder. 2.) Your Johnny Cougar parody about Bronies will be called Little Pink Horses. 3.) On the one hand there is some cool st...

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1.) I’ve lived a life of alternating insane expectations or no expectations, now is the time to try to live a life of some expectations, just-above-average expectations. Try that for a while. 2.)...

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