Entries 3,482
Page 46 of 140
dec 7
I hope in the new Mulan movie, the theme is the theme to the old He-Man cartoon except “Mu-LAN, Mu-LAN” instead of “He-MAN, He-MAN”. I like to believe that the Punky Brewster cartoon with the...
dec 6
If candy corn didn’t have the Halloween nostalgia connection, they would be cast off in the “ancient oddities from when people had to settle for terrible candy because the good stuff hadn’t bee...
dec 5
If you manage to kick Clay Aiken in the crotch, he is legally obligated to yell “OH MY AIKEN BALLS!” in the same way that if you manage to punch down onto a leprechaun’s hat, he is obligated to...
dec 4
I’m just sayin we could reboot Morganna the Kissing Bandit as Buffy the Umpire Slayer. I am “my first computer games were on a Commodore 64” years old. An Alice In Chains parody about the ...
dec 3
Your D&D team’s traveling stagecoach was sold to you by bird-man named Lee Aarakocra. If dogs get kennel cough, do they also get pounding headaches? I am not judging, simply being healt...
dec 2
“Oh, my old boomerang,” she said, going through her mementos from her semester in Australia, “that’s a real throwback.” My generation looks at the rubble wrought by disease, war and stolen el...
dec 1
Why call the video game “Duck Hunt” when we could’a called it “Murder Most Fowl”? A Klingon character called Ra’fless so that someone can comment on his forehead “Ruffles has ridges!” As cl...
nov 30
She’s the loose canon one slip-up away from getting kicked off the force. He’s the rookie just out of the academy who was magically conjured from a children’s book. Together they fight crime… a...
nov 29
I love when fads completely come and go without me. It’s the best thing about being old. “Whipped coffee”? Nah, dog. I don’t need my java in Nickelodeon Gak form. Now it’s deader than the Charl...
nov 28
A rap about Alfred E Neuman called “Baby Got Blech”. If every single sponsored ad on Youtube is “by a company I would sing the praises of even if they didn’t pay me” then… maaaaaaaybe a whole...
nov 27
I hope that on the Enterprise they call their ship’s bathhouse “The Docking Bay”. That’d be clever. If Disney ever wants to counter Space Jam, here’s my pitch: Dunk Tales. The thing about c...
nov 26
Your corporation’s leader of COVID compliance should be called a Chief Personal Protection Practice Officer so she or he can call her or himself the company’s “C-3P-O”. The maximal name for a...
nov 25
If the couple are supervillains, is the honey-do list a honey-doom list? I kind of get it when a small news websites hit me with the “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF PROTECTING YOUR COMPUTER FROM VI...
nov 24
The woman in the stirrups looked down in stunned silence that her 14 hours of labour produced not a human baby but rather a piping hot pizza. “It wasn’t delivery,” the doctor sadly intoned, “it...
nov 23
I saw a sign for a Chinese restaurant called Great Wall and I was transfixed with how awesome it would be if it just said “Eat Wall”. When I win the lotto, I shall bribe them to remove the G an...
nov 22
I knew a man Bazinga and he mocked the weird With worn-out tropes Nerd cliches, a dumb catchphrase and forced laugh-track Dashing all hope He feigned OCD He feigned OCD Mocking a real disease M...
nov 21
There are worse noms-de-guerre than “Carlton Banksy” I suppose. Why not call wedding receptions “happily-ever afterparties”? This life’s disappointments almost uniformly flow from how so ma...
nov 20
Yes, IN SECURITY would’ve been a much much much better title for PAUL BLART MALL COP than PAUL BLART MALL COP but the pun would’ve surely been wasted on such a terrible film that only existed f...
nov 19
It’s a good thing Hoobastank disappeared like the stank of a Hooba grazing in the distance on a stiff breeze before we had the cross-promotion of Hoobastank Hubba Bubba gum, that phrase would’v...
nov 18
“Abundance” he muttered. “Thanks,” she replied, “that means a lot.” I mean, we still don’t have a Christopher Lloyd endorsed liquor called “Great Scotch!” That’s disappointing. Remember the...
nov 17
When I was young, if you’d mentioned “waterboarding”, you’d’a just thought it was an old person trying to remember the word for “surfing”. It’s good the horrors are no longer secret but it’s st...
nov 16
I think fan-fiction crossovers COULD be fun, but it’s always something boring as hell, like… Stephen Universe meets Adventure Time or Sailor Moon meets Dragonballz. Now, Popeye meets The Tempes...
nov 15
Go into the store. Swap the labels on the marshmallow Fluff and the mayo. Make the world a weirder place. Don’t worry about expanding your orchestra. There’s always room for cello. A film w...
nov 14
Lazy fish-mongers are a leading cause of mackerel degeneration. The measure of intellect is not in being right. Any damned fool can be right, by aping someone else or by random chance. The me...
nov 13
Sonic the Hedgehog online fandom ruined the phrase “Knuckles Sandwich”. Substituting Bob Marley for Jacob Marley makes it a whole different story, is all I’m saying. Meg White’s evil oppos...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
