Entries 3,460
Page 43 of 139
jan 29
Where does the “pop-punk whine” voice come from? Why does every pop punk singer sound like a rich white teenager from Orange County TOTALLY angry that Mom made him work summers at Medieval Time...
jan 28
Why do only the terrible days feel long? It’s never the great days, y’know, those fly by like a gnat’s fart in the breeze. The bad ones just drag. If this horror show surprised you, you have ...
jan 27
If you can’t tell who’s shallow and who isn’t, that’s just poor depth perception. Sun Chips are the ultimate diet food because everyone can hear you opening the bag from three states away. Ha...
jan 26
Humans, with our pinprick lifespans, have no greater blessing than doubt. Doubt allows us to change, to adapt, to endure, to empathize beyond our own experience, in other words, to love. Certai...
jan 25
If you’re emotionally cheating on your lover with your backgammon partner, she or he is your sidegammon. A theory on how to put the Reeses’ Pieces together into a Reeses’ Whole could be expre...
jan 24
Hamburglar is just the disappointing failson of the legendary rogue Beefthief. In the Grimace species, there is a decentralized nervous system with essentially four brain lobes, one in each a...
jan 23
Nosferatu look down upon modern vampires, dismissing them as painfully new-fangeled. An alpha-build of a video game about Dr. Pimple Popper would be in early-abcess. It’s like RATATOUILLE b...
jan 22
Sometimes a speech impediment is just an obstructed vowel. No, the worst wordplay possible would be “stuffed crotch pizza”. Fan fiction about Lucille Ricardo joining the police force called...
jan 21
Wakko, Yakko and Dot never mention the forgotten third Warner brother, Malcolm-Jamal. Yes, I would write an entire story about Jesus as a super-spy just to get to the line “Manger is my middl...
jan 20
Hate is just fear that thinks it can do something about itself. Love is just being so sad about being hurt by hate that you realize no one should ever feel as sad as you do. PAUL BLART 3: AMC...
jan 19
The unpopular banana recycling law was eventually repeeled. The Confederacy poured so many of its resources into murdering humans to protect their ability to treat humans as property that Ame...
jan 18
Baseball teaches us, in metaphor, things too difficult to accept straight on. Example: the best relief pitcher to ever exist will only become that because he wasn’t good enough to even be the w...
jan 17
These deluded fools, they feel like failures and cling to the lie that their whiteness makes them better because it’s all they have left. They’ll cling to religion and guns to try and protect t...
jan 16
If I were part of a supervillain duo, I would make our code-names “Collaborate” and “Listen” so that when a superhero or a cop or whatever yelled “STOP! COLLABORATE AND LISTEN!” people would st...
jan 15
I am sick of hipster interpretations of Santa Claus where he is svelte. Why can’t we have Old Saint Thicc instead? Baby Yoda, here we go again, my my. (I would write the parody longer but tha...
jan 14
In a bunk bed, someone always oversleeps. Took a nap and had a nightmare that I went back and tried to change the Grinch before the events of “Stole Christmas”, causing him to spoil the child...
jan 13
The name “George Wonka Bush” actually explains a whole lot of things. The presses fired up for another printing of Finnegan’s Wake and there was much reJoyceing. Some people found it heartw...
jan 12
NOW MAAAAAYBE/ YOU’RE RUINING YOUR FRIES WITH GRAVY / CUZ AFTER ALL / POUTINE’S A BAD CALL How is the Republican party like a pack of Lunchables? Any potential there is ruined by being filled...
jan 11
When the alien anthropologists find the sports stadia of old America, will they rightly understand them as the temples and shrines of our governmentally-supported civic polytheism or will they ...
jan 10
The larval form of the frogman is the minnowtaur. I was wracking my brain for a reality where U2’s existence was a net-positive and I only could come up with, like, maybe if in hell they play...
jan 9
The weirdest thing about Trump is how much of his cult are just living vicariously through the crimes and sins, like someone watching the terrible unlikable characters on ENTOURAGE or BIG BANG ...
jan 8
I love saying the word “autumnal” almost as much as I love pretending that its mid-year equivalent is “sumerian”. If I could teach America one fact, it would be “Just because someone agrees w...
jan 7
If you say “Shandyman” three times into a mirror, a ghost appears and ruins your beer by pouring cheap lemonade into it. The word “internet” is actually derived from the ancient Greek “intras...
jan 6
Ask not what The Bartman can do for you, ask how you can better do The Bartman. 2020 has been an infinite regression of Rubicons. We keep thinking there are no more lines we could cross and y...
jan 5
A movie about Sesame Street getting canceled for being bigoted against grouches called UNFOLLOW THAT BIRD. When you invest your entire savings into a medical marijuana dispensary, you’re tota...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
