He just *gets* me. in Phoenix

I have spent my entire life feeling weird, out of place, never fitting in or feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was raised to have low self-esteem, and grew into prime pickings for abusive narcissists. I was easy to manipulate, easy to convince that I was being accepted, that they really did love me for who I was, quirks and mental illnesses and all. It was easy to convince me that I mattered, that I was special. That they could help me. Oh yeah, everybody was gonna “fix” me.

(spoilers)

It doesn’t work like that.

I’m not broken, I’m just different. And all I’ve ever needed, it seems, is for someone to actually truly accept me for who I am, for someone to see me with genuine love and affection rather than seeing me as someone they could use and manipulate to get what they wanted. I needed someone who gives without demanding, without expectations, someone who loves me unconditionally and completely. There is no, “I love you, but…” here. Not on my part, anyway. There is only, “I love him,” and no exception to the rule. All of him, exactly as he is, because who he is is perfect for me.

He doesn’t think I’m weird, not ever. The things that others have always thought were weird about me bring him joy. It’s the most surreal feeling. No one has ever reacted to me like this before. He says I “make all the sense.” Hell, I don’t even make sense to myself sometimes! And I can’t tell you how many times all the other men told me, “You don’t make any fucking sense!”

I have never felt so valued, so appreciated. I have never been treated with such profound kindness and consideration. I feel like a treasure, truly special for the first time in my life. My entire worldview has shifted. I see everything through new eyes, from a different perspective. I see myself differently, and I’m behaving differently, in strong, confident, assertive ways. I notice it more and more every day, especially at work. And I notice others treating me differently now, too. The guys at work defer to me, ask me questions, want me to teach them, and then they listen and thank me for helping them out. They tell me how much they appreciate me, what a great job I do having everything organized for them. I feel respected and valued and appreciated at work for the first time in my life, so it’s not just him. I think he was just the catalyst that I needed to effect the necessary changes in myself to rocket forward in my personal evolution. But he’s the catalyst that never stops giving. It’s like having limitless rocket fuel.

This turned into a bit of a ramble, eh? I blame marijuana and mania. I need to get back to painting.