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Make love like you’re starving because you probably are. Like you’d die without that connection because you probably could. Like you’d drown without someone else to hold onto because you almost ...

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1.) The good thing about The Orville is that it’s the first Seth MacFarlane show that even Fox admits isn’t funny. 2.) Reality has a liberal bias. The truth has a liberal bias. It’s not our fault...

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1.) Bible thumping is a dangerous addiction, you’ll end up covered in tract marks. 2.) An example of deconstructive criticism would be “it doesn’t matter that your work is terrible, who’s to say ...

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1.) Oh, just the usual. Singin’ to the tune of Ice Ice Baby “The mice had babies, they might have rabies”. As you do. 2.) Had only Warner Brothers bought Star Wars instead, we could’ve had such m...

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1.) If you shut down Daredevil’s sonar with sound-dampening, does that mean you blinded him with silence? 2.) Corn cereals are for sharing. No personal Chex. 3.) Your Biggie Smalls’ ghost costume...

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there will always be lazy people cruel people hateful people who will judge you for what you are not for who you are and those people will always be wrong those people ...

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1.) I hope Guy Fieri’s advice column will be called FROSTED TIPS. (Also, his breakfast cereal.) 2.) Your EDM name is RICHARD MILHOUSE MIXIN. 3.) Aging is just involuntary detrimental shapeshiftin...

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1.) Your Joe Walsh parody about Kurdistan will be called “Iraqi Mountain Way”. 2.) I tend to not wear hats since as a kid I noticed people who wear hats tend to go bald, never considering it migh...

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1.) It is astonishing how many Americans are willing to accept clear obvious lies as long as the liars validate their sexism and racism. 2.) If you are named “Jefferson” after Jefferson Davis, it...

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1.) Maybe the soap opera isn’t dying because of more people working days, maybe it’s just social media is a cheaper 24/7 “reality” soap opera. 2.) “23 skidoo” was a viable slang for generations. ...

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1.) Yes, you are probably messed-up and half-broken but here’s the secret: everyone is. Don’t compare yourself to someone else’s pretending not. 2.) Your parody of “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” wo...

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1.) “Amazon Fire Stick” sounds less like a way to watch videos and more like a particularly gruesome venereal disease. 2.) Your deconstruction of fan fiction will be called “Rosencrantz/Guildenst...

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1.) I enjoy the fact that the guy who rapped PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND has a son who communicates solely in new-age gibberish. 2.) I kinda want to learn what “Peppa Pig” is so I can write a p...

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1.) How I never wrote a parody of “Cumbersome” about cummerbunds is beyond me too. 2.) In comics, has there been a really mellow viking with freezing powers called Chillaxe yet? 3.) Upon meeting ...

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1.) At this point, I’d go for a rule in baseball where if you get nine strikeouts, you lose no matter how much you’re winning by or when. 2.) I like the idea of God as an inactive force in all th...

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1.) I confuse Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out and Sixth Avenue Heartache on a pretty consistent basis. 2.) As long as we hide the sins of the powerful, the cruel will do anything to get to that place &am...

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1.) Your metal band will be called Dumlaut with an umlaut over each instance of the letter “u”. 2.) Remember, these Nazis don’t care if they’re known to be hateful or stupid as long as they feel ...

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1.) More than anything, IKEA sells the illusion that building your own stuff poorly is better than paying a little extra to have it done right. 2.) At this point in the Trump junta, we’re only al...

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1.) Move over, mad scientists, there’s a mad vintner in THE ISLAND OF DR. MERLOT. 2.) Power your starship with penicillin and Activia, the probiotics and antibiotics annihilating each other to re...

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1.) Teenage frogs dissecting humans in science class. 2.) Beetlejuice, flipping through a Lovecraft novel, laughing his ass off at every other line. 3.) A good thing to do to mess with local Scie...

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1.) Oh man. A parody of “Ebony and Ivory” about apathy and irony would be pretty clutch, if anyone remembered Ebony and Ivory. 2.) You know a frog is into racist conspiracy theories when it croak...

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1.) There WILL be Vegas “Truthers” peddling madness to pretend we don’t need change. The doc about them will be called “Disbelieving Las Vegas”. 2.) Your wrestling/Dr. Who mash-up will be called ...

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The moon, above all else, is above all else. She hangs up there languid and waiting. People have been there but only for a little while only pushing the limits of what we can do as humans even...

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maybe I am damned to write another heartbroken poem after every senseless massacre that the American cult of the gun causes and then bullies us into never doing anything about this time i...

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You who chase bliss, I can understand you. You who chase power, I can reason with you at least sometimes. You who chase compassionate acts, I try to be with you, I try to be like you, I try t...

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