Entries 5,442

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I tried raising some Cain but I was just unable tried raising racing horses but I ended up unstable tried rising dough in a warm kitchen but I couldn’t raise the bread ...

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1.) The good thing about chasing something with no monetary collectors’ value like VHS of Jerry Maguire is that you can go on a thrift binge, like today, and even if you don’t get anything else, ...

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1.) I want a David Lynch cookbook called “Fire Wok With Me”. 2.) How did it take me thirty-eight years to realize “Roadhouse Blues” and “Truckin” were the exact same song? 3.) If you don’t have a...

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She always called it a curse, even though it was all caused by a small benign tumor in her brain. She wondered aloud if she’d run afoul of Romani travelers or Vodou practitioners enough times to ...

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1.) I mean, sure, if I knew how to hack and mod video games, I would definitely make THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE MACARENA OF TIME but you can’t build up this much pun acuity while also learning how ...

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1.) Maybe the reason we haven’t met any aliens yet is that there’s a mass extinction at the point in every civilization once anti-vax psychotics start popping up en masse and we just haven’t tipp...

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1.) Is there a saint of the in-between places, of transitional states? Is there a saint of Limbo? Is there a saint for the truckstops? All I’m saying is, I’m not the most busy person these days, ...

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So much of my writing starts by mishearing something and then the misunderstanding turns out to be more interesting than the original intent. I’ve written more than four hundred parody songs, sit...

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1.) Half the problem is cowardly journalists covering a “president” with no democratic legitimacy as if he is actually the president. The emperor almost literally has no clothes. The minute telev...

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1.) The icicles on the trees, that’s just branch dressing. 2.) Always wonderful to be at an open mic instead of worrying about the Oscars. Washing out in L.A. had its benefits after all. 3.) Your...

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of course the dogs freak out when they see each other when you end up kidnapped by the giant aliens yourself when you’re kept by them as an amusement and companion you’ll ...

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1.) This bag of Hershey Miniatures is challenging my low-carb diet so badly. There’s a little jerk in me who keeps yelling “RELEASE THE KRACKLE” and I have to keep punching him in the face with m...

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1.) If the human race survives without another dark age, in a couple hundred years, they’ll look upon our culture’s holy veneration of the gun, our American cult of death, the same way we look up...

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1.) The NRA doesn’t care about you, they just want to sell more guns. The NRA doesn’t care about safety or the Bill of Rights or human lives or their own members, they just want to sell more guns...

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just because lines on a map are of functional passing utility doesn’t make them anything actual most of the things that the lines represent are made up the roads and the buildings...

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1.) No British food stuff sounds more like a made-up food stuff from a 90s science-fiction series than “Jaffa Cakes”. You can totally see Quark selling jaffa cakes alongside that Klingon coffee “...

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content, content everywhere but not a place to think content, content everywhere contentment, not a wink I’m not much for drinking I’m not saying it’s wrong but you can keep the wine ...

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our expertise won’t save us now plain logic won’t repair us either now sage reasoning won’t redeem us negotiating won’t even buy us a breather but though no saviour in plain sight the...

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You wake up knowing you died yesterday yet here you are, safe in bed. This isn’t the first time, it’s happened often enough to lose count, dead but alive, no one else able to recall a thing. You ...

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1.) It is weird to get reprimanded on a website for pointing out that Tim Tebow is an opportunistic hatemonger while he is only rewarded for being as such. The parallels to Cadet Bone Spurs are n...

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1.) In this nightmare, I was stuck in a time loop of being shot to death at a composite of a few different shopping malls. Every time I died, I returned to the start of the dream and every time, ...

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1.) The fact that the porno movie awards aren’t called The Peephole’s Choice Awards is one of our culture’s great hidden sins. 2.) I swear to God, actual cable news headline “Is Arming Teachers A...

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1.) Your sitcom about people trying to be Portland/Austin/Williamsburg/Echo Park-style hipsters in a city too small to sustain a full scene will be called NOISY, IDAHO. 2.) What’s that flower tha...

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1.) Claudia Tenney is an almost impossibly horrible human being and if you’re planning to waste your vote on a third party candidate instead of voting for the Democratic candidate because you req...

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the hoary pervasive myth that freedom must be won down the barrel of a gun is one of the worst toxic lies underpinning our entire society on the right and the left both way too many gr...

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