Public

through the looking glass.

by MLbA

Entries 90

Page 1 of 4

5 days ago

Freedom

On reflex I stood up for the national anthem at the soccer game tonight, took off my hat and then my son’s, but I’m not sure I will do it again. … Early fall, 2017. They told us there was no hear...


Just me, alone on the backyard porch swing Smoking a cigar (an infrequent but glorious vice) Drinking a glass of whiskey (a too tall glass, courtesy of my husband) Beyond the edges of my book, t...


June 07, 2022

Quit

It’s been hard to write about this in part because the narrative is not tidy. But I want to try today, while I’ve still got ahold of some clarity, before I let the relentless noise talk me out of...


May 17, 2022

How to ask, II

We’re dealing with some sort of bug infestation that’s leaving me with bites all over my legs. It’s reminding me of summer camp, how my friend and I covered our legs in clear nail polish to root ...


April 28, 2022

Loss, revisited

Our friends are going through a miscarriage, and it’s making me reflect on mine again. To David: Thinking about miscarriage is hard still. I’m not really sad about what could have been anymore. I...


April 17, 2022

Dayenu dayenu dayenu

We dance our way to the bathroom, his hand in mine, her body balanced on my hip. We are still not quite getting ready for bed, and my husband looks on with a mix of amusement and exasperation. Wh...


February 11, 2022

What we've lost

An email announcing the birth of a child for old acquaintances of ours. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. In these moments I’m reminded how much of our hard-fought-for community has been rende...


“I got a man to stick it out And make a home from a rented house And we’ll collect the moments one by one I guess that’s how the future’s done” I’ve never been interested in homeownership. It’s a...


January 21, 2022

Snow on snow on snow

I’m learning, always learning, to let go of the way things should be and, instead, to embrace the way they are. We took a trip to the countryside, watched the snow fall in the woods, startled whe...


January 06, 2022

Nursing

I know I’m struggling when I start to feel jealous of pregnant people. I don’t actually want to be pregnant. I just want to be taken care of, and pregnancy is the only time in my life where that’...


December 29, 2021

Settling

This is only the second week in my daughter’s nine weeks of life that we’ve not had to travel for a doctor’s appointment or surgery for somebody. Our friends from LA were supposed to come visit t...


December 22, 2021

Three years later

Here I am, ruminating again on the darkest day of the year. We rise in the early morning, the streets empty and quiet (everyone has left town), and take the first train out of the station. Late...


December 17, 2021

Accept and embrace, ad nauseam

Following the news of this newest virus variant and feeling increasingly fearful that this winter will echo last year’s. The restrictions, the isolation, the bitter cold required for any interact...


December 08, 2021

How to ask

My mother would read chapter books with me before bed, the two of us alternating between reading aloud and listening. How long this lasted I couldn’t say, though I imagine these evenings ending a...


This morning my husband woke up feeling ill so I got both of our children dressed and fed and onto the Metro with a bus transfer to drop off my son at daycare. The Metro is only running every 20 ...


November 27, 2021

The best is yet to come

I am exceedingly grateful to be done with this part of my life. That’s not to say “my family is complete” (a declaration that seems a surefire way to end up with a surprise child), but moreso jus...


November 25, 2021

Rootlessness

Early, early Thanksgiving morning. You and I and the one dim light in our living room. I’ve given up on sleep for either of us, for now. You look into my eyes and I look into yours and with my ga...


November 14, 2021

Slow down!

The last year and a half of these pages read like a fever dream. Isolation and shortages and angry protests and pipe bombs. Is it any wonder I’m having a hard time feeling that it’s okay to slow ...


November 14, 2021

Two photographs

13 days. That’s how old our son was when I took the picture of him strapped to his father’s chest as we waited for the Metro. In the picture my husband is smiling, but it’s a pained smile. Many m...


November 12, 2021

Joy comes in the morning

This verse was stuck in my head today, the words in English and accompanied by electric guitar, clearly some mostly forgotten vestige of my childhood. I look it up. Psalm 30. Weeping may endure f...


November 05, 2021

She's here, with fanfare

The very first thing she taught us is that no two children are the same. It’s been a hell of a few weeks. … My son was quarantined from daycare because one of his classmates got COVID. The next d...


in the hospital i hold her swaddled against me and feel the shape of her knee beneath the blanket and remember how that knee undulated inside me now i lay in my bed home, but without her it feels...


Eventually I will fall asleep. Then all too soon I will again open my eyes to a world that doesn’t value me or my family. Somehow, I will climb out of bed and carry on. I’m so very tired.


August 10, 2021

Hinei mah tov

When you were so very pregnant and I was still reeling, sitting in the coffee shop over a shared cookie, you comforted me with the idea that one day we’d watch our children run and play together....


April 19, 2021

Growing

She’s growing. She’s healthy. And this time, I’m not so burdened by my fear. The joy shines through. Perhaps I’m growing too.


Book Description