Public

through the looking glass.

by MLbA

Entries 75

Page 1 of 3

I am exceedingly grateful to be done with this part of my life. That’s not to say “my family is complete” (a declaration that seems a surefire way to end up with a surprise child), but moreso jus...


4 days ago

Rootlessness

Early, early Thanksgiving morning. You and I and the one dim light in our living room. I’ve given up on sleep for either of us, for now. You look into my eyes and I look into yours and with my ga...


November 14, 2021

Slow down!

The last year and a half of these pages read like a fever dream. Isolation and shortages and angry protests and pipe bombs. Is it any wonder I’m having a hard time feeling that it’s okay to slow ...


November 14, 2021

Two photographs

13 days. That’s how old our son was when I took the picture of him strapped to his father’s chest as we waited for the Metro. In the picture my husband is smiling, but it’s a pained smile. Many m...


November 12, 2021

Joy comes in the morning

This verse was stuck in my head today, the words in English and accompanied by electric guitar, clearly some mostly forgotten vestige of my childhood. I look it up. Psalm 30. Weeping may endure f...


November 05, 2021

She's here, with fanfare

The very first thing she taught us is that no two children are the same. It’s been a hell of a few weeks. … My son was quarantined from daycare because one of his classmates got COVID. The next d...


in the hospital i hold her swaddled against me and feel the shape of her knee beneath the blanket and remember how that knee undulated inside me now i lay in my bed home, but without her it feels...


Eventually I will fall asleep. Then all too soon I will again open my eyes to a world that doesn’t value me or my family. Somehow, I will climb out of bed and carry on. I’m so very tired.


August 10, 2021

Hinei mah tov

When you were so very pregnant and I was still reeling, sitting in the coffee shop over a shared cookie, you comforted me with the idea that one day we’d watch our children run and play together....


April 19, 2021

Growing

She’s growing. She’s healthy. And this time, I’m not so burdened by my fear. The joy shines through. Perhaps I’m growing too.


April 18, 2021

The great shift

As spring greets us with warmer weather and mass vaccination, I’m feeling the first pains of what I can only assume is one of many great shifts. More people are ready to see us, to resume relati...


March 12, 2021

The Taking of Pelham 123

I didn’t really appreciate how much the isolation of pandemic restrictions would make this, these terrifyingly uncertain and physically exhausting first few weeks of pregnancy, so hard. I’ve been...


February 24, 2021

Futile?

I think the anxiety is better, so far, than it was the last time around. I’m better at recognizing unhelpful thoughts, better at acknowledging but not fixating on them, better at accepting uncert...


February 19, 2021

Impossible to title

I’m pregnant. I will never be excited like I was the first time, but this time around I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, either. If there is to be joy, then there will also be time fo...


February 11, 2021

We're pandemic fine

Our interim director asks me how I am at the start of a meeting that I’m about to lead. I respond vaguely and he follows up, “How’s the family?” I think back to the last time he asked me this, ba...


This morning I could distinctly hear the daily, trumpeted call of the National Anthem from the Navy Yard or the Marine Barracks (I’m not sure which). The sound doesn’t always travel to our living...


January 22, 2021

These days

Some days it feels like things just keep getting worse. Like every glimmer of hope just gets extinguished by some new, previously unimaginable tragedy. And even when things go right, when they co...


January 17, 2021

Sparks of the past

Memories keep coming to me. … After a long day I ask David “What if they were just tired?” I came home during every break from college and became my brother’s primary caretaker. I fed him, bathe...


January 08, 2021

I'm not okay

I struggle to let myself feel how I feel, because the message is always that someone else is going through worse. And, especially now, especially over the last year, the message is also to keep c...


January 06, 2021

This town

The first time I felt truly afraid in this city I was sitting helplessly at my desk as I listened to an endless barrage of helicopters and sirens and the whispers of coworkers trying to account f...


January 05, 2021

Whiskers ... WHISK!

Now almost daily he’s got me musing on the etymology of words, distilling every construct into its most basic elements. A new world of wonder and delight, for him, yes, but for me too.


November 08, 2020

Where we were

We were eating lunch at the spot we always used to go before shul, sitting outside at a table set up in the parking lane. You didn’t need a phone notification to know. Clapping and shouting from ...


Yesterday we took a long walk through the city. We strolled under the shade of the trees in Rock Creek, my toddler shouting, “Hike! Hike!” (Because in his little city boy head, the slightest bit ...


August 23, 2020

Rage

I read a novel that was brash and honest and only now feel comfortable enough to say that what I’ve been feeling is rage. None of this is okay. I’m privileged, very privileged. We have our jobs, ...


July 05, 2020

Foreign thoughts

A bike ride through the empty Mall grounds, riding alongside my husband as my son dances on his handlebars to the eerie jangle of the lone ice cream truck. The next day the first - late, it seems...


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