Entries 102
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The race
The sun dappling through the trees, the neighbors on the sidewalks or curbs, cheering us or chatting to one another, and the biggest smile on my face. No headphones, no idea of the route, just me...
To know them
I find myself dreading social situations, many of which I myself initiated. It has something to do with fear - of losing people, of saying the wrong thing, of seeing (not just feeling) how unimpo...
Leaning into serendipity
We ran into my aunt on the street today, completely by chance. She lives several states away; we had no idea she was in town. Said it was the first time she had been here since our wedding over e...
Blossom
I have this picture of him sitting in the grass, gripping a stick in his fist, grinning at us cheesy and triumphant. In the background is the Tidal Basin and the cherry blossom trees, full and wh...
The difference between us
When one wakes the other and they both cry, drowning each other out in turn to a crescendo of warbling exhaustion, I laugh and you fret. If I’m honest, it doesn’t always fall out exactly like thi...
Here goes
I start my new job tomorrow. I’ve mostly been feeling afraid. I took the whole last month off of work, but it hasn’t felt like much of a break at all. Caring for my family takes so much energy. I...
One step at a time
Last week we sat on the tarmac for two hours, our flight home delayed due to thunderstorms. We eventually deplaned, boarded again, and got home about three hours late. Years ago this would have c...
Thoughts
I have two tentative job offers and will likely have a third in hand soon. I have no idea what I will do. And instead of being thoughtful about it, at the end of this long day (with the promise o...
That steel city, damn
A quick weekend trip to Pittsburgh. My first city. Over 10 years later I still dream about the roads, the stillness and bitter cold of the bus stop in the early morning air, waiting to take my ne...
The little lovely things
I am more settled and at peace than I have been for quite some time. I don’t really know what it is, but I find myself noticing all these little, lovely things in my world again, and I just know....
Symbiosis
My children have this symbiotic relationship going on in which one eats only the meat of the hotdog and the other only the bun and boy do I love them both.
First fruits
Last summer, on a sweltering day at the farmer’s market much like today, we bought a massive watermelon, the very last one at the stand we’ve been going to now for over ten years. We tried fittin...
Freedom
On reflex I stood up for the national anthem at the soccer game tonight, took off my hat and then my son’s, but I’m not sure I will do it again. … Early fall, 2017. They told us there was no hear...
Last night at the beach
Just me, alone on the backyard porch swing Smoking a cigar (an infrequent but glorious vice) Drinking a glass of whiskey (a too tall glass, courtesy of my husband) Beyond the edges of my book, t...
Quit
It’s been hard to write about this in part because the narrative is not tidy. But I want to try today, while I’ve still got ahold of some clarity, before I let the relentless noise talk me out of...
How to ask, II
We’re dealing with some sort of bug infestation that’s leaving me with bites all over my legs. It’s reminding me of summer camp, how my friend and I covered our legs in clear nail polish to root ...
Loss, revisited
Our friends are going through a miscarriage, and it’s making me reflect on mine again. To David: Thinking about miscarriage is hard still. I’m not really sad about what could have been anymore. I...
Dayenu dayenu dayenu
We dance our way to the bathroom, his hand in mine, her body balanced on my hip. We are still not quite getting ready for bed, and my husband looks on with a mix of amusement and exasperation. Wh...
What we've lost
An email announcing the birth of a child for old acquaintances of ours. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. In these moments I’m reminded how much of our hard-fought-for community has been rende...
I guess that's how the future's done
“I got a man to stick it out And make a home from a rented house And we’ll collect the moments one by one I guess that’s how the future’s done” I’ve never been interested in homeownership. It’s a...
Snow on snow on snow
I’m learning, always learning, to let go of the way things should be and, instead, to embrace the way they are. We took a trip to the countryside, watched the snow fall in the woods, startled whe...
Nursing
I know I’m struggling when I start to feel jealous of pregnant people. I don’t actually want to be pregnant. I just want to be taken care of, and pregnancy is the only time in my life where that’...
Settling
This is only the second week in my daughter’s nine weeks of life that we’ve not had to travel for a doctor’s appointment or surgery for somebody. Our friends from LA were supposed to come visit t...
Three years later
Here I am, ruminating again on the darkest day of the year. We rise in the early morning, the streets empty and quiet (everyone has left town), and take the first train out of the station. Late...
Accept and embrace, ad nauseam
Following the news of this newest virus variant and feeling increasingly fearful that this winter will echo last year’s. The restrictions, the isolation, the bitter cold required for any interact...
