Public

through the looking glass.

by MLbA

Entries 82

Page 2 of 4

January 08, 2021

I'm not okay

I struggle to let myself feel how I feel, because the message is always that someone else is going through worse. And, especially now, especially over the last year, the message is also to keep c...


January 06, 2021

This town

The first time I felt truly afraid in this city I was sitting helplessly at my desk as I listened to an endless barrage of helicopters and sirens and the whispers of coworkers trying to account f...


January 05, 2021

Whiskers ... WHISK!

Now almost daily he’s got me musing on the etymology of words, distilling every construct into its most basic elements. A new world of wonder and delight, for him, yes, but for me too.


November 07, 2020

Where we were

We were eating lunch at the spot we always used to go before shul, sitting outside at a table set up in the parking lane. You didn’t need a phone notification to know. Clapping and shouting from ...


Yesterday we took a long walk through the city. We strolled under the shade of the trees in Rock Creek, my toddler shouting, “Hike! Hike!” (Because in his little city boy head, the slightest bit ...


August 23, 2020

Rage

I read a novel that was brash and honest and only now feel comfortable enough to say that what I’ve been feeling is rage. None of this is okay. I’m privileged, very privileged. We have our jobs, ...


July 05, 2020

Foreign thoughts

A bike ride through the empty Mall grounds, riding alongside my husband as my son dances on his handlebars to the eerie jangle of the lone ice cream truck. The next day the first - late, it seems...


June 03, 2020

Perhaps

His mom is manic. I wore a yellow dress on a group video call with his extended family. The weather was nice and I haven’t had a lot of opportunity to wear my dresses lately. She asked about it ...


June 03, 2020

Documented

I told David I think this is the most I’ve ever been afraid in my life. Not fear experienced in a passing moment, but in a sustained way. A tea shop we frequent burned down. Another small busines...


May 21, 2020

The last Friday night

I think a lot about that last Friday night dinner with friends. About how many lasts that night contained and how we had no clue that they would be lasts at all. There were, of course, the murmur...


May 04, 2020

My son has a face

Every Monday we bike to the grocery store and lock our bike to a rack nearby. I carry him in my arms on the way to the coffee shop and order a cappuccino at the takeout window. There’s always a b...


April 28, 2020

Not the duck pond

Today we walked to the duck pond but there were no ducks. The pond was half-drained, its pipes exposed, muck seeped and settled into the seating areas, inexplicably overrun with squirrels. Some s...


April 20, 2020

Rock Creek Park

Thursday was a government holiday so I had the day off work. It was a hard day. We had plans to bike on a new trail, but it ended up being way windier than the forecast had promised. I was frust...


November 01, 2019

Monday

You are curled up in my lap, and together we watch the sun rise and slowly overtake the glow of streetlights. The room is dark, the world is quiet, just you and me. Later I set you on the handleb...


September 22, 2019

Bread

Early this morning the two of us baked together. I wrapped him to my chest and prepared the dough, talking him through each step, letting him sift the flour and salt through his fingers. I showed...


August 24, 2019

what we lost

On Wednesday we went to another baby naming and basked in the joy of a tiny new soul and in the embrace of community. It was utterly lovely, one of my favorite traditions. And yet afterwards I fe...


June 28, 2019

Six months with H

How fast he is changing now. We kept finding him with one arm pulled up out of the swaddle, bent at the elbow with his hand on the back of his head, posing like a model. When we stopped swaddlin...


June 21, 2019

Seasons

Where I grew up there were no discernable seasons. Maybe that’s why all my thoughts of spring are so intrinsically tied to the big, grassy plaza off the bustling avenue that intersected my univer...


May 06, 2019

We are two of many

We have a children’s book for H that describes a day in the life of a child with our shared eye condition. I bought it with the hope that it would help him feel some agency over the somewhat unpl...


May 02, 2019

Min hametzar, redux

“Min hametzar karati Yah, anani vamerchav Yah.” “I cried out to G-d from a narrow place, and He answered me with expansiveness.” I sing these words on the final day of Passover and cry tears of t...


May 02, 2019

The power of time

A year ago today was the due date of my first pregnancy. Had I not miscarried, we would be celebrating a one year old’s birthday around now. I recall the date, but I don’t feel sadness about it a...


April 19, 2019

A is for anxiety

I keep having bouts of nausea. My first thought is always “Am I pregnant?” but I’m fairly confident that it’s anxiety. I’m having trouble moving on. I kept saying that I didn’t care how it happen...


April 05, 2019

It wasn't all bad

There were moments of joy, but they were sometimes difficult to discern or hold onto among all the fear. But now that we’re on the other side, I want to make sure that I remember. We were planni...


March 30, 2019

You are not alone

I watch them hold up my son from across the room, their shared smiles as they engage him with gentle movement and sound. Later I see the subtle crumple of her face during conversation, the loss o...


March 27, 2019

To enjoy him while I can

The thing I didn’t know how to say until today: We had two blissful weeks. Then blindness. Surgery. Endless eye drops. A whirlwind, emotional wreck of a trip to Dallas and LA. I just want to be ...


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