Public

through the looking glass.

by MLbA

Entries 82

Page 3 of 4

March 09, 2019

Like planning a wedding

Pregnancy announcements still get to me. Why? Because I’m jealous. I’m not even sure we would have done such a thing anyway; it’s more that I was never mentally even in a space where I would have...


March 04, 2019

Weighty

Perhaps I’m not being gentle enough with myself for all the other things that are weighing on me. We did all of this genetic testing, both before and during my pregnancy, and he ended up with som...


March 04, 2019

sad

I think often about my pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I feel … nostalgic? The thoughts are so frequent (almost obsessive?) that it’s been keeping me up at night. I’m more tired than I need to be...


February 13, 2019

peaceful piano

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I slept almost exclusively on the couch. Because every time I laid down in our bed, I was consumed by increasingly intense anxiety, mostly centered around the fear...


January 24, 2019

Shabbat rishon

He was born early on a Friday. That night we ordered grape juice and a dinner roll with my hospital meal to say kiddush and motzi over. Our voices faltered as we sang Shalom Aleichem, our son in ...


January 01, 2019

He's here

Our son arrived early Friday morning. They warned us he might not cry at first, but he came out wailing. I have never felt so relieved. I left work a couple of hours early on Wednesday afternoon....


December 20, 2018

To my unborn son

Tomorrow is your due date. The darkest day of the year. How much light you have already brought into our lives. Keep growing. Be healthy. Come to us safely. There are so many people here ready to...


October 24, 2018

Still afraid

I’m still fucked up. Our friends had a baby yesterday. A son, who we were all convinced would be a daughter. Another new life to shepherd into our little community. Why do I feel anything other t...


June 10, 2018

blueberry pancakes

This morning I read on the couch as David made french toast, singing a lively tune to “Oseh Shalom.” The house smelled of butter and eggs and cardamon and I found myself with tears in my eyes. W...


May 11, 2018

a new memory

I couldn’t watch. I felt myself grabbing desperately at the folds of my dress, more sure with every silent second that it would be bad news again. “I want to show you something. There’s the heart...


Keep growing. Be healthy.


April 22, 2018

Schrödinger's uterus

Every pregnancy is different. Knowing earlier won’t make a loss any less painful. I am grateful to have made it this far, no matter what comes next. The internet doesn’t have answers. These are t...


April 11, 2018

Anani bamerchav Yah

When David asked me to marry him, my first reaction was, well, confusion. “What?” was my initial response to “Will you marry me?” This, despite the fact that we had been talking about it for mont...


March 11, 2018

To my brother

You are the sunshine of my life.


March 01, 2018

weil ich erfahren habe

Everyone talks about “when” but I know only “if” now.


February 25, 2018

Womanhood

I have vague, early memories of pink and purple clothing, of big bows, of stick-on earrings. Was this actual preference or merely the influence of my mother? I don’t know, but it quickly gave way...


February 06, 2018

A Shabbos walk with friends

On Shabbos afternoon, we take a somewhat impromptu walk through the neighborhood to the high school with the parking lot that towers over the neighborhood, offering views all the way down to the ...


January 23, 2018

Apropos of nothing

As our friends continue to celebrate life’s joyous milestones, I remember the little things that marked our own: We built our own chuppah. I remember lugging it from our apartment to the park ac...


January 12, 2018

Terrible, thanks for asking

I’m still not really coping. I’m so afraid that we won’t be able to have children. And the thing is, you don’t ever really know until it works out or you give up. Sometimes it feels easier to con...


December 13, 2017

Pink

I started having tailbone pain last week, the same type of pain that I had when I was pregnant. Then I kept waking up in the middle of the night, also not unlike the insomnia I experienced when I...


November 22, 2017

Fear

There are two types of fear: the fear of what may come and the fear that it will come again. These are very distinct things. One is vague, discomforting. The other is nearly unbearable, and beget...


November 15, 2017

Who I am

This stoicism isn’t toughness or strength. It’s just self preservation.


November 05, 2017

Unacknowledged

I know only silent suffering. The father who left me. The proxy who chased after me, fists raised in rage as I cowered in the corner. The mother who belittled, who mocked, who was, fundamentally,...


I flew down to Dallas the first weekend of August. It was my baby brother’s birthday and my sister’s last weekend at home before heading off to her freshman year of college. I took the three of t...


October 29, 2017

twenty eight

The very first thing I wrote in my journal about David, half a lifetime ago: “And nothing really happened anyways. But I still feel special.” And that same year, the very first thing I wrote ab...


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