MLbA

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I’m still fucked up. Our friends had a baby yesterday. A son, who we were all convinced would be a daughter. Another new life to shepherd into our little community. Why do I feel anything other t...


This morning I read on the couch as David made french toast, singing a lively tune to “Oseh Shalom.” The house smelled of butter and eggs and cardamon and I found myself with tears in my eyes. W...


I couldn’t watch. I felt myself grabbing desperately at the folds of my dress, more sure with every silent second that it would be bad news again. “I want to show you something. There’s the heart...


Keep growing. Be healthy.


Every pregnancy is different. Knowing earlier won’t make a loss any less painful. I am grateful to have made it this far, no matter what comes next. The internet doesn’t have answers. These are t...


When David asked me to marry him, my first reaction was, well, confusion. “What?” was my initial response to “Will you marry me?” This, despite the fact that we had been talking about it for mont...


You are the sunshine of my life.


Everyone talks about “when” but I know only “if” now.


February 25, 2018

Womanhood in through the looking glass.

I have vague, early memories of pink and purple clothing, of big bows, of stick-on earrings. Was this actual preference or merely the influence of my mother? I don’t know, but it quickly gave way...


On Shabbos afternoon, we take a somewhat impromptu walk through the neighborhood to the high school with the parking lot that towers over the neighborhood, offering views all the way down to the ...


As our friends continue to celebrate life’s joyous milestones, I remember the little things that marked our own: We built our own chuppah. I remember lugging it from our apartment to the park ac...


I’m still not really coping. I’m so afraid that we won’t be able to have children. And the thing is, you don’t ever really know until it works out or you give up. Sometimes it feels easier to con...


December 13, 2017

Pink in through the looking glass.

I started having tailbone pain last week, the same type of pain that I had when I was pregnant. Then I kept waking up in the middle of the night, also not unlike the insomnia I experienced when I...


November 22, 2017

Fear in through the looking glass.

There are two types of fear: the fear of what may come and the fear that it will come again. These are very distinct things. One is vague, discomforting. The other is nearly unbearable, and beget...


November 15, 2017

Who I am in through the looking glass.

This stoicism isn’t toughness or strength. It’s just self preservation.


I know only silent suffering. The father who left me. The proxy who chased after me, fists raised in rage as I cowered in the corner. The mother who belittled, who mocked, who was, fundamentally,...


I flew down to Dallas the first weekend of August. It was my baby brother’s birthday and my sister’s last weekend at home before heading off to her freshman year of college. I took the three of t...


The very first thing I wrote in my journal about David, half a lifetime ago: “And nothing really happened anyways. But I still feel special.” And that same year, the very first thing I wrote ab...


I will never be the same person. As I awake every morning, almost always before the alarm, it’s already in my head. And I lay there, every single day, consumed by thoughts of what happened and wh...


I ended up having to have a D&C. When they told me, I nearly lost it. Even this, miscarrying what would have been our first child, I can’t do right? It sounds strange to say, but it was actua...


September 24, 2017

b'reishit in through the looking glass.

As we enter the fourth day of the new year, I suppose it’s only fitting that I start this story in the beginning. Sometime around November, we decided we were ready to start trying to have kids. ...


The Fourth of July is when this city really comes to life, revealing a soul typically hidden behind an uptight, forcefully ambitious facade. It’s a common misconception that fireworks are legal h...


Here are a few snippets of conversation I have saved over the years. August 23, 2010. 4 years old. “You’re gonna be the mom, okay?” “No, I can’t be.” “So who’s gonna be the mom?” “You’ll find som...


Every day is a car-free day in my household, but today is Car-Free Day around the world, so I thought I’d share what today’s commute was like. It’s a good representation of the sometimes lovely, ...


I will never see any of the money that my family invested for me when I was a child. In itself, that's okay. I have a decent job. I have no student loans. David and I are living well beneath our...


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