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We’re dealing with some sort of bug infestation that’s leaving me with bites all over my legs. It’s reminding me of summer camp, how my friend and I covered our legs in clear nail polish to root ...


Our friends are going through a miscarriage, and it’s making me reflect on mine again. To David: Thinking about miscarriage is hard still. I’m not really sad about what could have been anymore. I...


We dance our way to the bathroom, his hand in mine, her body balanced on my hip. We are still not quite getting ready for bed, and my husband looks on with a mix of amusement and exasperation. Wh...


An email announcing the birth of a child for old acquaintances of ours. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. In these moments I’m reminded how much of our hard-fought-for community has been rende...


“I got a man to stick it out And make a home from a rented house And we’ll collect the moments one by one I guess that’s how the future’s done” I’ve never been interested in homeownership. It’s a...


I’m learning, always learning, to let go of the way things should be and, instead, to embrace the way they are. We took a trip to the countryside, watched the snow fall in the woods, startled whe...


January 06, 2022

Nursing in through the looking glass.

I know I’m struggling when I start to feel jealous of pregnant people. I don’t actually want to be pregnant. I just want to be taken care of, and pregnancy is the only time in my life where that’...


December 29, 2021

Settling in through the looking glass.

This is only the second week in my daughter’s nine weeks of life that we’ve not had to travel for a doctor’s appointment or surgery for somebody. Our friends from LA were supposed to come visit t...


Here I am, ruminating again on the darkest day of the year. We rise in the early morning, the streets empty and quiet (everyone has left town), and take the first train out of the station. Late...


Following the news of this newest virus variant and feeling increasingly fearful that this winter will echo last year’s. The restrictions, the isolation, the bitter cold required for any interact...


December 08, 2021

How to ask in through the looking glass.

My mother would read chapter books with me before bed, the two of us alternating between reading aloud and listening. How long this lasted I couldn’t say, though I imagine these evenings ending a...


This morning my husband woke up feeling ill so I got both of our children dressed and fed and onto the Metro with a bus transfer to drop off my son at daycare. The Metro is only running every 20 ...


I am exceedingly grateful to be done with this part of my life. That’s not to say “my family is complete” (a declaration that seems a surefire way to end up with a surprise child), but moreso jus...


Early, early Thanksgiving morning. You and I and the one dim light in our living room. I’ve given up on sleep for either of us, for now. You look into my eyes and I look into yours and with my ga...


November 14, 2021

Slow down! in through the looking glass.

The last year and a half of these pages read like a fever dream. Isolation and shortages and angry protests and pipe bombs. Is it any wonder I’m having a hard time feeling that it’s okay to slow ...


13 days. That’s how old our son was when I took the picture of him strapped to his father’s chest as we waited for the Metro. In the picture my husband is smiling, but it’s a pained smile. Many m...


This verse was stuck in my head today, the words in English and accompanied by electric guitar, clearly some mostly forgotten vestige of my childhood. I look it up. Psalm 30. Weeping may endure f...


The very first thing she taught us is that no two children are the same. It’s been a hell of a few weeks. … My son was quarantined from daycare because one of his classmates got COVID. The next d...


in the hospital i hold her swaddled against me and feel the shape of her knee beneath the blanket and remember how that knee undulated inside me now i lay in my bed home, but without her it feels...


Eventually I will fall asleep. Then all too soon I will again open my eyes to a world that doesn’t value me or my family. Somehow, I will climb out of bed and carry on. I’m so very tired.


When you were so very pregnant and I was still reeling, sitting in the coffee shop over a shared cookie, you comforted me with the idea that one day we’d watch our children run and play together....


She’s growing. She’s healthy. And this time, I’m not so burdened by my fear. The joy shines through. Perhaps I’m growing too.


As spring greets us with warmer weather and mass vaccination, I’m feeling the first pains of what I can only assume is one of many great shifts. More people are ready to see us, to resume relati...


I didn’t really appreciate how much the isolation of pandemic restrictions would make this, these terrifyingly uncertain and physically exhausting first few weeks of pregnancy, so hard. I’ve been...


February 24, 2021

Futile? in through the looking glass.

I think the anxiety is better, so far, than it was the last time around. I’m better at recognizing unhelpful thoughts, better at acknowledging but not fixating on them, better at accepting uncert...


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