Entries 3,460
Page 53 of 139
may 24
Step 1: purchase large amount of stick-on googly eyes. Step 2: whenever you see a Back to the Future related thing, paste them over Christopher Lloyd’s eyes. Step 3: wait. Step 4: every time so...
may 23
When dolphins curse, it’s probably like “Ahhhhhhh SHARKS!” The Easter Bunuel, however, only leaves you surrealist dreams. If Arnold Schwarzenegger had shown up with an indecipherable gravel...
may 22
I absolutely despise how scatterbrained and distracted and forgetful the stress of this crisis has made me. I’m a little absentminded and in my own head on my best days but… to this extent, it ...
may 21
A prequel to The Sisterhood of the Magical Traveling Pants (or whatever) called BLOOMERSANG. Any address of a crowd of gummy bears must start with “Ladies and jellymen!” The idea that you h...
may 20
We’re not marching to inevitable victory, my poor generation of Veruca Salts, we’re beating back the tids, teacup by teacup. If you really want a pony, you’ll have to wait for it to be born and...
may 19
Imagine all the energy you’ve put into impossible things in your life. Now picture where you’d be, where the world could be, if you’d put all that into attainable goals instead. Passion is wond...
may 18
They only call it “Active Dry Yeast” to shame the lethargic dry yeast. Name your son Lee and then raise him to be an MMA fighter, just so that at the end of his championship winning fight, yo...
may 17
Hiding emergency information behind a paywall is journalistic malpractice, no matter how strapped your outlet, that is your field’s duty. And don’t say “well just enable ads!” as ads are malwar...
may 16
You’re not important because of how smart you are, how good looking you are, how skilled you are, how rich you are, how loud you are, how much you’ve seen, how much you’ve done. You’re importan...
may 15
You know what they say, when life gives you the eggs of giant bird-woman monsters, make harpy hollandaise! Dear conspiracy theorists: I trust China a lot more than I trust Russia. China may b...
may 14
Your quarantine dating app will be called “Isomated”. Whenever an NCAA sportsperson (saying Division 1 student-athletes demeans both words) is said to be “in the transfer portal” I imagine th...
may 13
The dog would help her make mayonnaise, he was an emulsional support animal. It sure was easy for people up here to “be in solidarity with NYC” after 9/11, when they thought it just meant bei...
may 12
This life is about so much more than “winning” but it’s also about so much more than “being right”. Being right doesn’t mean a fart in a tornado if you don’t have the patience to implement what...
may 11
If I knew someone named Scott who worked at a Taco Bell, I would go there every day and say “Scotty! Bean me up!” until he quit or killed me. Too fried by all the things going on right now to...
may 10
The Gifted & Talented Curse applies to rolling tragedies too. I spent my whole childhood assuming I’d be good at everything immediately & having a panic attack when I wasn’t, so being b...
may 9
Your Cherry Poppin’ Daddies parody about toilet paper hoarding called “Poop Shoot Riot” will be awful. A really great insult to throw at a lecherous monster hunter would be to call him “Windo...
may 8
In the Southwest, there are dust-devils. Up here, in the early spring, there are “leaves protected from rotting away by the snow” devils instead. It’s an astonishing thing to see. Whenever I ...
may 7
You will cover mediocre classic rock as metal under the name REO Bleedwagon. You misheard the little bird, he told you your disguise was falling, which for some would be even worse, but he wa...
may 6
I love that facebook is flagging April Fools Day articles as fake news. It’s like driving so fast in a car that the speedometer flips. BIG BRAIN: start a Cameo account even though you’re not ...
may 5
For like thirty years, I’d been wondering why The Shredder didn’t take his facemask off, even when he went undercover as a normal non-supervillain non-ninja. It seemed ridiculous. Now I realize...
may 4
When this is all over, let’s get together and cover Dylan’s “Not Dark Yet” in the style of Leonard Cohen together. You can tell if you’re in New England or The Middle Atlantic entirely by if ...
may 3
A spin-off of 90 DAY FIANCEE called THIS AMERICAN WIFE. You all are reeeeeeaching on your COVID-19 comedy song ideas when the softest-soft-rock-band-of-all The Gin Blossoms have been up there...
may 2
You can’t have a CGI adaptation of The Wizard of Oz without “RENDER DOROTHY”. Some day a person with a bank vault fetish will be caught in the act and when he tells the cops “But they told me...
may 1
LESS PALL MALLS, MORE PALMOLIVE! Having Zoomed into a writers’ group in Utica and an open mic in Brooklyn today, I reckon I can officially upgrade from “Gen X” to “Millenial”, like, legally. ...
apr 30
Maybe the problem is that we called it COVID-19 or Corona Virus. Maybe if we’d called it The Rhythm people would take it more seriously because of the subconscious programming people of a certa...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
