Entries 3,428
Page 4 of 138
july 11
It’s the law of the cold cuts: sometimes you eat the paper, sometimes you eat the cheese. “Trade,” it muttered, “commerce, transactions, dealings.” Oh no, we all thought, this thing mean...
july 9
The guy from OPERATION won’t go out with you because he knows you’ll just play games with his heart. An Elseworlds where Superman’s rocket took a faster path to Earth and landed in early...
j7
A rich divorced white lady goes to a cereal factory tour and falls in love with the Froot Loops mascot, rediscovering her passion for life, in UNDER A TOUCAN SUN. Marijuana strains named...
j5
The kiddie rides at the local park were heat-activated colour-changing mood swings. Every statue of a dragon is a scale model. It’s your last-ditch cheese, in queso emergency. Wi...
july 3
The conspiracy theories who believed the gov’t was putting microchips into vaccines are also the biggest fanboys of the world’s dumbest billionaire who is LITERALLY putting microchips into p...
july 1
A skin care product with the jingle “When I get that feeling, then I do / eczema healing / eczema healing”. Last night’s nightmare: time traveling, trying to prevent a political assassin...
j29
A Tone Loc parody about the twilight days of the Three Stooges called “Funky Joe DeRita”. A zombie version of Donkey Kong called Decay would probably be a decent pun. He was trampled...
j27
Strangely, the needle hurts more pulling out / than it ever hurts going in / such are the wages of sugary sin / the penance of insulin An album of R.E.M. parodies about cooking called “a...
prompt: bold, title: gone, but not forever
This universe is rewriting itself on a near-constant basis, we just rarely notice. Are we having our minds manually wiped by outside forces? Maybe once in a while but most of the time it’s merel...
j25
The problem with conversations with mohels is they keep cutting you off. Now that the dog and I are both on insulin, I have been referring to the two of us as “diabuddies”. It’s our Thin...
j23
In my best metal voice, I was singing “CORPUS KRISPIE, BODY OF SNAP / CORPUS KRISPIE, COR-PUS KRISPIE”. A womens’ wrestler whose gimmick is that she’s an Amazonian Russian fitness traine...
j21
A head-canon where Ben Folds “Army” and Pink Floyd’s “Time” are songs about the same person at different points in their life. If you consistently fall asleep in Barcaloungers, you may h...
j19
BATTLEFIELD EARTH made me assume that the children of Scientologists have to hawk Terl Scout Cookies for fundraisers. Honey is so healthy because it’s full of bee vitamins. The unrea...
j17
A parody of Spice Girls “2 Become 1” about 2 Girls 1 Cup. Jar-Jar Binks down on his luck, endorsing ads for class action lawsuit lawyers on late-night television: “Mesa Thelioma?” Sa...
j15
Why say “Caesarean Section” when you can say “Cutting Out The Middle Man”? The ultimate proof that A.I. and the Algo are both meaningless and stupid is that Youtube just gave me a Peloto...
j13
A parody of Crazytown’s “Butterfly” about Conan the Barbarian built around the line “Crom, m’lady, Crom Crom, m’lady”. Have you ever considered that whatever you think created the world ...
j11
You think therefore I know you are but what am I? The way you manifest your gothness is your morbus operandi. A dark comedy about South Korea’s mandatory military service resulting i...
j9
Skeletor’s signature dish at Chez Snake Mountain is, of course, Beef Skellington. Consider Antonius the cross-maker, whose family business lost their plum government contract when it tur...
j7
Why say “proofreading for grammar and punctuation” when you can say “colon-oscopy”? They didn’t market spicy Skittles with the tagline “Taste The Painbow” and it’s the great shame of the...
j5
Apparently the hockey player “Patrick Roy” was supposed to be pronounced “Patrick WAH” in Canada. Which makes me wonder if Waluigi is spelled “Royluigi” in Canada. From the ads for REACH...
j3
What Warhol understood, but didn’t say out-loud as no one back then would have believed him, was that those fifteen minutes we were all indeed about to get would be the worst fifteen minutes...
j1
The Henson Company’s personell department would’ve technically been H.R. Puppet Stuff. Maybe the Great Filter of the Fermi Paradox is social media. Every civilization that got close to r...
m30
If British Knights shoes and Burger King sandwiches never did a cross-promotion, that’s just a missed trick, for sure. Head-canon where TREMORS is a distant prequel to DUNE. The opti...
m28
If Doogie Howser had been a therapist instead of a medical doctor, it could’ve been called “Doogie Howser, Child Psychologist”. A French light beer called “Oui Oui”. An Applebees ad ...
m26
If you mix pumpkin spice beer with lemonade, that’s a Boo Radler, delicious enough to kill a mockingbird. The next step up is to mash up public domain properties with pop stars. “Steambo...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
