Entries 3,529
Page 39 of 142
july 16
“No no no, my uncle works at Apple,” he said, “that’s why I got my hands on the greatest upgrade of all… the jPhone.” On the one hand, Yogi never tells us if he’s comparing himself to the ave...
july 15
I guess I’ll have to write my parody of Free Fallin’ about Phil Collins eventually. Twitter has become J. Jonah Jameson, banging the table demanding TRAILERS OF SPIDER-MAN! RESOLVED: feet c...
july 14
“open the maze, get on the floor, everybody fuck the minotaur” Your punk band will be called BORN ON THE FILTH OF JULY. Just saw an ad for some scam weight-loss thing called Nugenix and… ar...
july 13
Whenever Marvel introduces the Hercules character into live-action, there are going to be SO MANY Locules shippers. I wonder if women in retirement homes refer to booty calls as “getting some...
july 12
Don’t mind me, just signing Rammstein songs about Star Trek Voyager. TU. TUVOK. TUVOK IS. TUVOK IS RAD DUDE. It was such a huge herb garden he lost track of thyme. “Never be content” is pro...
july 11
Don’t mind me, just signing Rammstein songs about Star Trek Voyager. TU. TUVOK. TUVOK IS. TUVOK IS RAD DUDE. It was such a huge herb garden he lost track of thyme. “Never be content” is pro...
july 10
If you own the world’s greatest race-horse and you don’t name it “Haulin’ Oates” you do not deserve to own that majestic creature, let alone to profit off its labours. You just let that thing f...
july 9
“Why did you buy that Dutch language version of Boggle at the thrift store, Mike?” “BECAUSE IT WAS THERE.” Lankershim, darlin’, Lankershim, NoHo where all that tinsel dims Television execut...
july 8
Eating someone’s trail of breadcrumbs, dooming them to death lost in the woods, because of his political stances, that’s just Hansel Culture. You’ve heard of popes and anti-popes but have you...
july 7
They’re not Band-Aids, that’s the brand. They’re bandages, Band-Aids are just bandage’s monster. A show about the adventures of a vegetarian bear named Lentil Ben. The people who cry foul t...
any port in a storm
you’re looking at it the wrong way don’t try to will yourself to the other side of the world or universe instead will the place you desire to exactly where you’re standing don’t ...
july 6
Pee-Wee Heman would be the perfect distillation of the entire 1980s. BY THE POWER OF PLAYHOUSE, I HAVE THE SECRET WORD! If necessity is the mother of invention, surely, laziness is the mother...
july 5
Everyone thinks that the tortoise and the hare is about a turtle and a rabbit but nah, man. Different animals. The story of the turtle and the rabbit is just two dudes chillin’ in a field, eati...
july 4
“FML” stands for “Full Metal Leggings”, the lower-wear of all yoga-knights. Magic concerning control over classic action figures is called megomancy. Is it a law that every Marvel project m...
july 3
RESOLVED: The worst episodes of any podcast are the “live tour” episodes because audiences are uniformly obnoxious in the beliefs that they’re funny and we want to hear them, not the hosts. But...
july 2
A movie about a sultan who falls in love with the staff doula who tends to all the harem’s pregnancies called MIDWIFE AT THE OASIS. Fat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, cruelty-free. Everything...
july 1
The most obscure American vice-president was probably James Garfield’s brief second-in-command Josiah Odie. Launching the billionaires into the cold void of space sounds like a real win-win, ...
june 30
WHAT? My name is. WHERE? My name is. WHO? My name is, wacka-wacka, it’s Fozzie. Tonight I realized the best possible drag name is “Stevie Thiccs”. The pizza at Charles Entertainment Cheese’...
june 29
A burlesque magic act where no matter how many clothes you take off, you have more clothes to take off, called THE MOBIUS STRIPPER. You could say that “Deep Throat” is a seminal pornographic ...
june 28
Captain Nemo is the master of sub tweeting. A patriotic wine called Rosé Can You See. I hope at least one review of the ARTHUR remake referred to Russell Brand as “Dudley Less”. The shows...
june 27
What do Donatello, the Scarlet Witch and Tasha Yar all have in common? They all do machines. So, everyone’s calling that Cruella film “The Devil Wears Poodles”, right? When will the Hot Chi...
june 26
Weekend, 1 AM, when the shows are so bottom-of-the-barrel, they might as well still go off the air with the bars and tones. A Z-grade comedy showcase from 10 years ago, nearly every ad is a PSA...
june 25
A film about a series of werewolf attacks on the set of CHEERS called “Danson In The Moonlight”. The original Japanese version of Shrek 2 was called Donkey Donkey Panic. The assistant Mothe...
june 24
It’s peculiar, America, where the dominant culture loves “rising up” against an imagined other dominant culture that it either vastly over-estimated or entirely fictitious. Oppression masked as...
june 23
You wanna know how we fix America? Honestly? Socialize medicine, about 25% of us go back to school for mental health degrees and we all just give each other therapy. Everyone in this country is...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
