Entries 3,429
Page 29 of 138
feb 5
If anyone ever invents an infallible path to happiness and starts educating people about it, all I ask is, please call it “glad school”. A weird Ghostbusters / Little Shop of Horrors crossove...
feb 3
You are in the Feywild. You just had the best meal of your life. You tell the server “My compliments to the chef!” From that moment on, you are never able to compliment anything or anyone ever ...
feb 1
If the CEO of the Bedazzler corporation was convicted of siphoning off funds for himself, the headlines would be so fun. The Fox News candy fetish is bordering on neccophilia. Whenever I re...
jan 30
If I’m around to eulogize Western Civilization, I want to solemnly intone “when pizza was on a bagel, truly, you could have had pizza anytime” at the funeral. A story about a support group fo...
jan 28
I bet it’s weird going undercover for a sting posing as a stripper who starts out dressed as a cop. The only thing worse would be going undercover as a club DJ, that moment when you realize you...
jan 26
When Skywalker drank the blue milk straight from the space walrus, what was the temperature? …luke warm? If you eat too many poffertjes, you get clogged arteries but, like, not with cholester...
jan 24
George the Third’s royal court was really just an insane crown posse. There’s only one thing Tim Allen could do with his career at this point, only one thing worth watching at all. Bring some...
jan 22
A rap parody about Brian Posehn built around the line “Posehn in the membrane / Posehn in the brain”. The Phish song “David Bowie” but about Patrick Duffy. Start an ice cream parlor to supp...
jan 20
When Alta Vista died, it should’ve retroactively had its name changed to Baja Vista. A Twilight Zone that ends with the line “But Doctor, you ARE Pagliacci!” You can’t look outside of yours...
jan 18
Mike Myers is the poor man’s Martin Short. Rick Moranis is the rich man’s Martin Short. An anthem for country-and-western vegetarians “I Eat Things With No Faces”. Dough in a Tandoori is a ...
jan 16
The first time your children encounter The Flintstones, tell them that it was based on a popular cereal. Oh boy, someday they’ll find out the truth and what a laugh you’ll have. One arbitrary...
jan 14
Watch out, lest the genie of the shampoo bottle ends up washed up as a bathtub djinn. Some day, up here in the North Country, we will start calling surgical masks “COVID mufflers” because the...
jan 12
If you want both the goth AND the emo audiences to buy your stuff, you just name the band Unsolved Miseries. There you go. All the merch sales. A Cake parody about people in a moral panic ove...
jan 10
Another way wealth is wasted on the wealthy: who spends their money on almost going into outer space for five minutes when you could build a pyramid lined with the old Chuck E Cheese movie paro...
jan 8
It’s not when the classic rock station starts playing the music of your youth that you’re old, it’s when the classic rock station starts playing the music you were too old for in high school, t...
jan 6
The Youtube Algorithm. A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. Sometimes you have to step back and ask yourself: what are you programming yourself to be? The media you consume, ...
jan 4
In your Early Middle Ages history class, you will have at least one chance for the bon mot “Picts or it didn’t happen!” Be on guard, be ready, your time will come. You can’t use Cap’n Crunch ...
jan 2
Pirates used to eat in the gallery but they used up all the Rs and it became the galley. I feel like we went from double-bladed razors to eight-bladed razors at light speed, meanwhile we’ve b...
dec 30
Oh, the abyss is going to stare back. It’s unavoidable from the start. The key is maybe, just maybe, you can make the abyss blink first. Have we considered that maybe Grandma also say Mommy k...
dec 28
An ICP boy band spin-off called Boyzone The Clowns. to the tune of The First Noel “Kal-El, Kal-El, Kal-EL, KAAAAAL-EL, oh boy is that Superman really swell” “If it weren’t for executive dys...
dec 26
“Do No Harm” is not enough. It’s a fine start but it is not enough. Mermaids and mermen use tridents. Demons and devils use tridents. Clearly, if you have a character who is half-infernal and...
dec 24
Money makes one think they know everything. Fame makes one think they must yell it all from the rooftops. Not enough people in the backs of chariots telling people they’re not gods anymore thes...
dec 22
An album of muzak-styled Radiohead covered called OK Commuter. Sometimes I think about how the Zodiac Killer really wasted a gimmick by not targeting the people who write horoscopes. There’...
dec 20
SONIC THE HEGEMONY It is of vital importance that you pretend to confuse Ernest and Forrest Gump at all possible times. Yoda sets his camera up on a quadpod because there is no tri. The M...
dec 18
You put your dick in the coconut/thats pretty fucked up/just get yourself together/I say Doctor/how much more much we endure/I say Doctor/get this man the talking cure/he put his dick in the co...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
