Xanatos
Entries 261
Page 3 of 11
Chengdu of my Dreams in 2018
When I dream, I’m often back in Chengdu. So often, in fact, that the place has its own geography. I know my way, in some ways, around the city. A city which was based on real memories, and far...
The City I thought I'd find in 2018
I imagined a city, a city not too unlike a number of places I’ve been. Some places quiet and busy. Friendly. With lots of happy people walking as though they were weightless. Bouncing about w...
Performative Emotion in 2018
Alternate title: In which Courtney is firmly convinced that I have autism. I’ve never been quite sure how to “do” feelings. I’ve struggled with it for a long time. Ever since I was a child, I...
On Memory: An addendum to the aforementioned rage in 2018
I rather liked the last thing that I wrote. At least insofar as it seemed to stick mostly to one topic. A rarity for me. To avoid clutter, I’ve added this as a separate thing. I’m amazed at th...
Impotent Rage in 2018
The ol’ temptation has been beckoning again, and I’ll admit that when I think things over in a way that feels rational, suicide seems like the most logical option. As I discussed with Anna, I ha...
It’s rather frustrating that I cannot discuss my political beliefs without fear of adverse impact to my job. Especially when I’m talking about American politics in Japan. That having been said, ...
Literary Analysis of Life in 2018
I have a series of ideas floating about in my head. They all seem to be loosely connected, and maybe by articulating them, I’ll see something that runs between them. I’m not confident in these ...
Last Night in 2018
Last night, I had dinner with Hitomi. On a flimsy pretext, we went back to her place. While there, I told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with her. That we could only really be friend...
Sitting here in 2018
I’m sitting on a mattress, on a filthy floor, in a rotting house, in an empty part of a dying city. And I’m coming to terms with just how difficult it is to express anything beyond the bare mini...
Record Keeping in 2018
In the interest of record keeping, I should say that Anna and I broke up yesterday. For the same reasons that I suggested we break up a month ago. No hard feelings, no sad. Just kind of relieve...
A few things in 2018
Stuff fizzled with Aya. Still with Anna. Things not going well in that department. Left Satsuma. Job/house/money trouble in Kagoshima. Performed in a band a week ago. Did Rakugo yesterday. Exha...
The A Team in 2018
As of March 25th, the A Team got a new member. The details of which are being withheld until I can get some sleep.
Oddly Enough in 2018
I don’t believe that I have a Japanese girlfriend, but I’ve managed to obtain a Japanese something.
When I was sixteen years old, I was involved with a girl named Lee. And I wanted, more than anything, to do all sorts of sexy things with her that I wouldn’t allow myself to do. And so, what di...
For the first time in a very long time, I have the courage to listen to Brahms’ German Requiem. The fourth movement. The one I love and listen to because I grew to know it in Kidger’s class all...
I have my first NHK appearance on Sunday. I’ve been cramming for that. I’ll post about it after it happens. This could be the first step into an amazing world, or, it could be a whole lot of n...
A Very Short Time in 2017
I have to decide, within the next three months, whether or not I’m going to sign up for another year in Satsuma. This is a difficult decision for a lot of reasons, and I’m going to outline them ...
In attempting to read The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, I may have bitten off more than I can chew. The book is well written, and therein lies the problem. It’s too well ...
Nothing of Value in 2017
Just updating for the sake of updating. I feel that I ought to write, and I’m working on being conscientious, but I don’t really think that I have the wherewithal to do much more than to go thro...
When I walk, I puff my chest out like a twelve year old girl with very high expectations and a very dim present. When I walk, I hold my arms like I am a Lego man left in the car ten seconds too l...
It’s quiet . . . too quiet. To be honest, I just haven’t had a great deal to say. No thinking, no breakthroughs. I’ve mostly been dicking around on the internet. Nowadays, I have plenty of ti...
Making history, making me in 2017
I have always lived my life, in quite conscious ways, as more than one person. I can remember, at the various summer day camps I went to, always creating a “club”, which these days overprotectiv...
May 25th to June 12th in 2017
Friday night, the cocktail party went very well. Leading up to it, Tomoko sent me messages informing me of the status of her search for alcohol. However, it was all pretty pointless as Inoue-sa...
May 23rd to 25th Eating in 2017
The night of May 23rd, I found myself starving. I was hungrier than I could remember having been in ages. More than that, I felt that odd compulsion to eat. I can’t even explain it. It was a ...
May 16th to May 23rd Finding things. in 2017
The 16th went well enough that there wasn’t really anything to report. The 17th went pretty well, but for a scheduling issue. I got to school, and found out that the schedule that I had receive...
