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I told David I think this is the most I’ve ever been afraid in my life. Not fear experienced in a passing moment, but in a sustained way. A tea shop we frequent burned down. Another small busines...


I think a lot about that last Friday night dinner with friends. About how many lasts that night contained and how we had no clue that they would be lasts at all. There were, of course, the murmur...


Every Monday we bike to the grocery store and lock our bike to a rack nearby. I carry him in my arms on the way to the coffee shop and order a cappuccino at the takeout window. There’s always a b...


Today we walked to the duck pond but there were no ducks. The pond was half-drained, its pipes exposed, muck seeped and settled into the seating areas, inexplicably overrun with squirrels. Some s...


Thursday was a government holiday so I had the day off work. It was a hard day. We had plans to bike on a new trail, but it ended up being way windier than the forecast had promised. I was frust...


November 02, 2019

Monday in through the looking glass.

You are curled up in my lap, and together we watch the sun rise and slowly overtake the glow of streetlights. The room is dark, the world is quiet, just you and me. Later I set you on the handleb...


September 23, 2019

Bread in through the looking glass.

Early this morning the two of us baked together. I wrapped him to my chest and prepared the dough, talking him through each step, letting him sift the flour and salt through his fingers. I showed...


On Wednesday we went to another baby naming and basked in the joy of a tiny new soul and in the embrace of community. It was utterly lovely, one of my favorite traditions. And yet afterwards I fe...


How fast he is changing now. We kept finding him with one arm pulled up out of the swaddle, bent at the elbow with his hand on the back of his head, posing like a model. When we stopped swaddlin...


Where I grew up there were no discernable seasons. Maybe that’s why all my thoughts of spring are so intrinsically tied to the big, grassy plaza off the bustling avenue that intersected my univer...


We have a children’s book for H that describes a day in the life of a child with our shared eye condition. I bought it with the hope that it would help him feel some agency over the somewhat unpl...


“Min hametzar karati Yah, anani vamerchav Yah.” “I cried out to G-d from a narrow place, and He answered me with expansiveness.” I sing these words on the final day of Passover and cry tears of t...


A year ago today was the due date of my first pregnancy. Had I not miscarried, we would be celebrating a one year old’s birthday around now. I recall the date, but I don’t feel sadness about it a...


I keep having bouts of nausea. My first thought is always “Am I pregnant?” but I’m fairly confident that it’s anxiety. I’m having trouble moving on. I kept saying that I didn’t care how it happen...


There were moments of joy, but they were sometimes difficult to discern or hold onto among all the fear. But now that we’re on the other side, I want to make sure that I remember. We were planni...


I watch them hold up my son from across the room, their shared smiles as they engage him with gentle movement and sound. Later I see the subtle crumple of her face during conversation, the loss o...


The thing I didn’t know how to say until today: We had two blissful weeks. Then blindness. Surgery. Endless eye drops. A whirlwind, emotional wreck of a trip to Dallas and LA. I just want to be ...


Pregnancy announcements still get to me. Why? Because I’m jealous. I’m not even sure we would have done such a thing anyway; it’s more that I was never mentally even in a space where I would have...


Perhaps I’m not being gentle enough with myself for all the other things that are weighing on me. We did all of this genetic testing, both before and during my pregnancy, and he ended up with som...


March 05, 2019

sad in through the looking glass.

I think often about my pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I feel … nostalgic? The thoughts are so frequent (almost obsessive?) that it’s been keeping me up at night. I’m more tired than I need to be...


Toward the end of my pregnancy, I slept almost exclusively on the couch. Because every time I laid down in our bed, I was consumed by increasingly intense anxiety, mostly centered around the fear...


He was born early on a Friday. That night we ordered grape juice and a dinner roll with my hospital meal to say kiddush and motzi over. Our voices faltered as we sang Shalom Aleichem, our son in ...


Our son arrived early Friday morning. They warned us he might not cry at first, but he came out wailing. I have never felt so relieved. I left work a couple of hours early on Wednesday afternoon....


Tomorrow is your due date. The darkest day of the year. How much light you have already brought into our lives. Keep growing. Be healthy. Come to us safely. There are so many people here ready to...


I’m still fucked up. Our friends had a baby yesterday. A son, who we were all convinced would be a daughter. Another new life to shepherd into our little community. Why do I feel anything other t...


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