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1.) I want a reboot of “Home Improvement” where the Tim Taylor character is a gay fellow. I feel like it would not only be fun but it would anger all kinds of people whose voices shouldn’t matter...

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1.) Nailing Trump’s daughter with “but her e-mails” is fun and everything but the “but her e-mails” narrative was never really about the righties, it was about the far left buying that narrative ...

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1.) I mean, I guess I could write a parody of Guns N Roses “Mr. Brownstone” about Paula Poundstone. 2.) A cereal called Dommin’ Os, basically Cheerios but with little chocolate marshmallow gimp m...

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1.) By cooking your roux to various levels of doneness, you can achieve the fifty shades of gravy. 2.) I will invent the musical sub-genre of “Skazoo” which is basically sarcastic ska but all the...

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1.) Psychics staging bloodless simulacra of the future’s battles, historical pre-enactors. 2.) An Amazon warehouse with low pay, impossible hours and exploitative work conditions isn’t “job-creat...

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1.) Dreamt in fractals of meaning again, patterns of false binaries & every prismatic prison pattern broken thru gave way to another level of a different same. Going up thru freedom, down thr...

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1.) Morning talk radio was never very good but now it’s invariably just two jack-offs and one jill-off laughing at themselves as they summarize the “wacky” stories on social media three days prev...

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1.) And then there is of course Slanderman who terrorizes the internet by intentionally confusing libel and slander, driving word sticklers up a goddamn wall. 2.) Am I singing a version of Anthra...

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1.) Fire departments are another piece of evidence that mixed-model economics works, that necessary services like fire, roads, schools, police, utilities, military & medicine need to be publi...

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1.) I hate that risotto balls are called “Arancini” because “risotto balls” would be a great insult if only the phrase were more popular. 2.) Whenever possible, intentionally misspell “Bulgaria” ...

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1.) “I’m not saying I’m a genius or that I have all the answers,” said the wise but humble veteran proctologist, “but I can tell you that in my day I’ve seen some shit.” 2.) Remember: the most an...

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1.) Your nerdy BBQ sauce will be called Magic The Slathering. 2.) We’re not saying we’re SURPRISED its showing in Northern NY in November, we’re just starting that it is terrible that it is, whic...

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1.) Eventually The Thing’s marriage fell apart, eventually she started taking him for granite. 2.) He doesn’t like being called a “Brony” he prefers to say he’s “looking for a stable relationship...

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1.) Current song I sing to Ollie the dog: a version of Eleanor Rigby called “Oliver Fatty”. 2.) Distance from information on the instant is a rare and precious commodity these days. 3.) Call you...

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1.) Low-carb “pizza” snack: pepperoni sticks, string cheese, low-sodium V8. This is my life now. 2.) We’ve whittled down the American dream to “not dying homeless”. It’s a hell of a thing and it ...

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1.) Low-Carb Lifestyle Lifehack: frizzled onions don’t just have to go on green bean cassarole. Eat ‘em like chips, if you’re desperate enough! 2.) Tomorrow: the last day of calls and texts by po...

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1.) One of the secret ingredients in Gandalf’s pipe-weed blend is elvish parsley. 2.) People these days will get all hot and bothered over sexy Draculas or sexy Wolfmen but almost no one will put...

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1.) Freudy Krueger… he’ll analyze your dreams TO DEATH. 2.) I’m just a somewhat fat guy, looking into a mirror and singing “GET UP, c’mon GET DOWN WITH MY THICKNESS, GET UP c’mon GET DOWN WITH MY...

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1.) Why billionaires waste their fortunes on political grudges instead of, like, paying to have the Dudley Moore film ARTHUR remade with the characters from the PBS kids show ARTHUR is beyond me....

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1.) I wonder how many people tried smoking actual bath salts when they heard of drugs colloquially called “bath salts” and I wonder how it worked out for them. 2.) Sometimes I think Ollie doesn’t...

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1.) In mourning, time loses meaning or at least its passage does. Holidays become mere changes in the decoration, seasons become mere changes in the weather. Mourning is an alternately sorrowful ...

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1.) If you must make a movie about a serial killer at a ren faire, the only acceptable title is THE TEXAS CHAINMAIL MASSACRE. 2.) Your film about a ghost taking over a cop’s body to solve its own...

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1.) One of the fundamental moves in Red Square Dancing is the do-si-dosvedanya. “Now take your comrade, do-si-dosvedanya and then pravdanade!” 2.) Sometimes I feel like a boxfan set in opposition...

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1.) If you post a lot of selfies to instagram because you’re insecure, is that instacurity? 2.) I’ve been singing the Fox Sports fanfare to Ollie “Litt-le DOG, Litt-le DOGGG, Litt-le DOG, Litt-le...

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1.) The worst cars, however, get awards from J.D. Weakness. 2.) If the aliens turn out to look like watermelons, I don’t wanna be anywhere near Gallagher the day of first contact. Or, at least, I...

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