no28 in idea barrages

1.) Your fish out of water sitcom about an American going to the Middle East to teach English in a prep school for the elite will be called WELCOME BACK QATAR.

2.) Surprisingly few chainsaws were killed in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Mostly just humans. Rip-off.

3.) Just go on a rant about how this is all a conspiracy by The Low-Fructose Corn Syrup Council.

4.) The They Might Be Giants parody about a person with a fish fetish would be called “Barnacle Man” but it’d probably be too vulgar to share.

5.) That Lord of the Rings meme except with the phrase “One Does Not Simply Have A Wonderful Christmastime”.

6.) Step 1. Buy a bunch of pirate costume stuff on clearance after Halloween. Step 2. Come early summer, start advertising a “Yarrrrrrr Sale”. Step 3. ??? Step 4. Profit.

7.) Your 50th anniversary is your golden anniversary. Your 25th anniversary is your silver anniversary. Your 2nd anniversary is your lou diamond phillips anniversary.

8.) The division in my life between the things I’m ridiculously over-confident about and the things that riddle me with self-doubt is as random as it is maddening.

9.) With confirmation Assange negotiated with a monster like Manafort, will folks finally admit he was laundering spycraft for a dictator to evade sexual assault charges? I know it’s disappointing he’s not the technolibertarian journalism angel you wanted him to be but he never was. Remember that Wikileaks was carrying Putin’s water to justify invading the Ukraine long before Trump came along, Assange gleefully on the Russia Today dime at the time, and Manafort was working on justifying the invasion of Crimea at the time too.

10.) Ollie is emphatically not a good dog but he’s a great Ollie, whatever the hell an Ollie is.

11.) If you don’t name your holiday cooking special “Mirepoix On 34th Street”, what are you even doing with your cooking show?

12.) I realize part of my anxiousness, my fear, is in being overly concerned with other peoples’ feelings, opinions, needs, etc but I’m also afraid of who I’d be if my empathy circuits weren’t welded open too. I’m a bit of a thoughtless jerk sometimes when it’s not. I’m not a malicious person by nature but when I’m not thinking straight, when I’m blindly trying to be clever or funny, I am sometimes thoughtlessly mean. I control it a lot better than I did when I was younger but it’s still occasionally a thing. My apologies.

13.) A meme that replicated the Brawny man logo except with half the letters erased so that it just says “raw” and that weird mountain man staring at you longingly.

14.) People think that AP flour means “all-purpose flour” but that’s a myth. AP flour is flour that when to one of the well-funded high schools that let you get college credits senior year. It is advanced-placement flour.

15.) I saw Mumm-Ra kissing Santa Claus… underneath the corpse of Snarf last night…

16.) A punk band that all wears wedding dresses called Veiled Threat.

17.) John Stamos called in a favor with the Olsen Twins who have the resources & connections to poison all the lettuce in the world, to ruin his ex-wife Rebecca Romaine’s good name. They picked up the phones & just said “YOU GOT IT, DUDE!”