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1.) This NCAA tournament needs to be sponsored by Tums because it is chalky as hell. 2.) I wouldn’t wish my nightmares on the worst person in the world, even when I’m in a mood when I think I’m t...

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1.) Raisins are just grapes that gave up on trying to be delicious. 2.) Go to a bar in a nice suit and a gimp mask. Order a martini and when someone finally talks to you, introduce yourself as “B...

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1.) Making gravy from scratch brings up fond memories. 2.) Your album of death-metal covers of R.E.M. songs will be called “Problematic For The People”. 3.) You don’t want to make the cool kids ...

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1.) Walk around with an exaggerated limp and if anyone asks say that you took a shell in the Storage Wars. 2.) Sometimes, I will come up with a weird pun in my dream, type it into dream social me...

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1.) The e-mail from Google telling us to save anything on Google-Plus because it’s shutting down adorably presumes that anyone used Google-Plus for any reason other than claiming an account in ca...

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1.) How many journalists are waiting for a big yogurt heist so they can run with the headline “Cultural Appropriation”? 2.) We are moving toward the singularity where so many have declared for th...

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1.) You can’t know a culture from what it creates to last, that will only tell you the lies it told itself about itself. What that culture creates to be disposed of, that will tell you its tale i...

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1.) The water on the ground isn’t frozen, the water in my blood should be just fine too, no jacket required. 2.) SHE HAD A RASPBERRY BIDET, THE KIND THAT YOU GET IN A FANCY HOTEL 3.) What does ...

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1.) The difference between the ability to fund-raise & the ability to generate actual general-election votes is a reality a whole lotta of people don’t wanna admit to right now. The middle cl...

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1.) People who think we can reverse global warming by talking nice about the planet are proponents of the flatter-Earth theory. 2.) Whenever Syracuse is good at basketball or football again, have...

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1.) We took the clock down as it finally died and the stain it left behind looked like the Starbucks mermaid. Not like Jesus or even like Elvis, even the mystic auguries are just corporate logos ...

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1.) You will name your band “Malcolm Jamal Warrior”. 2.) They never clarified exactly what they meant by Denver The Last Dinosaur being a friend “and a whole lot more” from in this one mistake, I...

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1.) In hell, Richard Nixon has been forced to be damnation’s car mechanic just so that Satan can force him to ask for tools with the phrase “Socket. To me.” 2.) I’m open to the idea I’ve been den...

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1.) One of the hardest things to admit is that some do their best work with limiters on, not off. Sometimes being confined by rules & regs focuses you while wild riffing lets you be an incons...

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1.) Maximizing short-term profit without regard to your community is unpatriotic. 2.) Pierce Brosnan should’ve played Paul in DUNE at some point because his first name is literally a killing word...

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1.) Whenever I hear the phrase “George RR Martin” spoken outloud, i think someone is agreeing with a pirate. 2.) If someone is only with you in hopes of getting a diamond engagement ring, are you...

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1.) It’s National Day Day the day we all come together as a nation to celebrate our tradition of declaring days to mean things. 2.) If you vape while riding an e-scooter, God will drop a fedora s...

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1.) Your Elton John parody about Star Trek Discovery will involve the line “I remember when Spock was young, he and Burnham had so much fun”. 2.) You gotta czech yourself before you wzech yoursel...

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1.) The mumbled line in Paul McCartney’s song “Hands Across The Water” that goes “the butter wouldn’t melt so I put it in the pie” is a lot funnier if you imagine he’s saying “she’s little in the...

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1.) When you accept we’re all just mostly water, you’ll finally be able to accept how changeable we all are, we are none of us just one thing, we freeze, we steam, we sublimate, it happens. 2.) I...

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1.) Your mash-up of ALL STAR and LOSE YOURSELF will involve the line “Somebody once told me, don’t puke mom’s macaroni”. 2.) No one will take your claims of having synthesized a new element serio...

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1.) I feel like if we can just hold onto this civilization long enough to get around to Sacha Baron Cohen starring in a Tony Shalhoub bio-pic, that will be the needed thing to pull us all back to...

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1.) The colloquial greeting Down Under “mate” has its origins in the local popularity of the male name “Mathan”, of course in honour of one of it’s founding fathers Sir Mathan Austrail. 2.) Today...

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1.) Mystics and statistics, gods and the odds, there may be magic out there but there’s a lot more frauds. 2.) I guess I’m the one human on the middle-ground that agrees that PETA was cartoonishl...

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1.) Is a controlling polygamist a possessive plural? 2.) I only divulge my breadmaking skills on a knead-to-know basis. 3.) If someone drops a tree on your house and you don’t immediately yell “...

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