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1.) Woke up singing a song that mashed STP’s “Sex Type Thing” and the Popeye theme together, as predicated on the “I am what I am, I am” overlap and… decided to go back to sleep. 2.) A soft reboo...

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1.) The congressperson with the worst manners gets to chair the Inappropriations Committee. 2.) Why do they call it “the scared straight program” when they could call it “prehabilitation”? 3.) Th...

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1.) A parody of that r&b song Crossroads about crossbows? 2.) Coachella seems like such a roiling hell of affluence, effluence and influence that no matter how great the concerts were, it wou...

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1.) Meathead cop on the local news says fent-laced pot is a reason to not legalize marijuana, even though legal regulated marijuana is EXACTLY how you drive sketchy laced-weed out of the marketpl...

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1.) When you realize that youtube is a secret werewolf conspiracy because they all want you to “lycan subscribe”. 2.) I mean, you could write a parody of Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon” about the Disn...

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1.) “Will I still be myself when I am a butterfly,” the caterpillar asked “or will I be dead and the butterfly just takes my place?” as he entered his existential chrysalis. 2.) I had the dream a...

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1.) Sell giant omelettes under the name “omes”. Who’s gonna stop you? NOBODY. 2.) I feel like we could put together a pretty strong “90s Rock - Everyone In The Band But The One You Wanted To See”...

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1.) A parody of “Jolene” about how gross poutine is? “Poutine, poutine, pou-tine, POU-TINE, why use gravy to ruin good cheese fries?” 2.) A pro-vax rap about measles vaccinations to the tune of t...

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1.) Who hamburgles the hamburglemen? Ask not for whom the ham burgles. It burgles for thee. 2.) The Maltese Falcon hatched from an egg maguffin. 3.) The main problem with writing a parody of Tot...

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1.) Why call it Italian red wine when you can call it “Naples Syrup”? 2.) Put Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog together and every time a bell rings, maybe you die. 3.) You will perform metal s...

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1.) Half-man, half-fish, all death. Jeffery Dahmermaid. 2.) I mean, yeah, we could write a parody of the Guess Who’s “American Woman” about Oktoberfest and call it Bavarian Woman. It would never ...

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1.) Your musical about a nun with synesthesia on the run from Nazis will be called THE TASTE OF MUSIC. 2.) The site was crawling with stock brokers, it was full investation, the place was doomed....

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1.) If Persephone had thrown up in an attempt to not be trapped in the underworld by Hades, would that be “vomegranate”? 2.) Count Von Count’s here to do two things: kick ass and take numbers. An...

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1.) I know little about image creation but I’m pretty sure a well-crafted rendering of a Goth Sloth would probably go memetic. 2.) A book called “Vernon Dursley And The Creepy Nephew With The Abi...

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1.) “I now call to order this month’s meeting of the state hysterical society” the well-dressed woman intoned and then everyone in the room started screaming at the top of their lungs. 2.) A film...

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1.) Your yearly reminder that the least funny day to make jokes or play pranks is April Fools Day. When everyone’s expecting it, it isn’t funny. You’re like an amateur hour drinker on New Years o...

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1.) Your NIN parody about reverse centaurs will be called “Head Like A Horse”. 2.) I feel like we are only about three years away from a coffee commerical with a rap jingle called “Crank That Fol...

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1.) We could update the story to be about John Ennui, the steel-drivin’ emo scenekid. 2.) There are few better things on a Saturday afternoon than baseball on the teevee and enough coffee to kill...

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1.) You can easily make a fiction out of all facts. A fan wears his lucky socks every game. His team wins the championship. These things have nothing to do with each other but put together withou...

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1.) Following youtube way too much, it’s funny how “having a baby” is becoming part of a scripted progression to being a “lifestyle youtuber”. You run out of food to cook or challenges to accept ...

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1.) When writing fiction based on real people places or events, the key is to try and stick to the real, unless something made-up would be more emotionally true, then go with that. Like how Roger...

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1.) Does the worm in a tequila bottle violate Lenten Friday laws? 2.) The more fictional the story, the more you can actually talk about the raw feelings of your life, without feeling like a melo...

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1.) This NCAA tournament needs to be sponsored by Tums because it is chalky as hell. 2.) I wouldn’t wish my nightmares on the worst person in the world, even when I’m in a mood when I think I’m t...

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1.) Raisins are just grapes that gave up on trying to be delicious. 2.) Go to a bar in a nice suit and a gimp mask. Order a martini and when someone finally talks to you, introduce yourself as “B...

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1.) Making gravy from scratch brings up fond memories. 2.) Your album of death-metal covers of R.E.M. songs will be called “Problematic For The People”. 3.) You don’t want to make the cool kids ...

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