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1.) You ever have a nightmare where you are being the version of you that would’ve made one of your exes the happiest and halfway through the dream, you realize that being that version of you is ...

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1.) Yes, you could write a parody of Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” about the Catholic hierarchy of angels called “Tiers in Heaven” but, yeah, I am the only person who would find it funny. 2.) ...

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1.) I kind of want to write a story about two artificial intelligences that fall in love, each thinking the other is human, and when they discover this, they both reject each other disgustedly be...

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1.) Your vegan metal band will be called DESPAIRAGUS. 2.) Yesterday was the Star Wars holiday, today is the hard liquor holiday… may the fifth be in you! 3.) Asked what the five hour long practi...

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1.) The government can’t impinge upon your right to free speech. That’s it. That’s the first amendment. When you start riffing on how a private business like a social media website or a club or a...

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1.) last few years my heart has been/in a state of permanent flinch/half has been what happened/half has been how I reacted to it/seized up in perpetual defenses/screwed on into a wince/but I hav...

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1.) Apparently the new big thing for kids is dressing as horrifying owl-demons. Cool, cool. We’re basically going to need to be horrifying owl-demons to weather the future laid out before us, it’...

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1.) The knuckle-ball is a holy thing, a pitch where the point is that even the pitcher doesn’t quite know where it’s going so how the hell are you as a hitter going to know either? If there’s a G...

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1.) I enjoy that the British have a silly fancy word for “eggplant” because eggplant is gross as hell and it’s always been a shame the noble egg is tarred by association with it. Hooray for the p...

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1.) No, youtube, I do not like comment and subscribe. In fact, I rather detest comment and subscribe. 2.) “Being there” is merely an adequate neighbor’s actions, State Farm. If you want to be lik...

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1.) I hope that as new sexually-transmitted diseases start getting recorded, they name them after hook-up apps. “Yeah, I got a bad case of the Tinder.” 2.) “I ain’t saying she’s a gravedigger, I’...

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1.) The memoir of your time working as a maid at Paisley Park will be called “Dusting For Prince”. 2.) It’s like “The Shaggy Dog” except he turns into a sheep instead and it’s called “Your Bleati...

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1.) Never thought I’d walk out of a movie thinking “I really really identified with Thor” but then here we are. 2.) Villains sacrifice others when expedient, heroes sacrifice themselves when nece...

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1.) A first-person-shooter video game about Cain trying to kill Abel with a bow and arrow called FIRST PERSON-SHOOTER. 2.) If you’re looking to tear down an exploitive power structure just to rep...

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1.) An all-diabetic punk band called The Bleeding Pricks. 2.) Of course superheroes don’t stay dead. Why would they? They come back because we can’t. We need something that can come back, even if...

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1.) The top food critic in Houston should get the title “The Houston Gastronome”. 2.) Decency is not a static trait, even to call it a virtue is to oddly diminish it. Decency is a muscle, a muscl...

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1.) Sunday driving at sunset Easter night, red skies at my back, a rainbow in front of me, the haziest vaguest rainbow you ever saw but a rainbow nonetheless and that’s also how I felt. 2.) They ...

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1.) The train at the end of the tunnel sees you as a darkness in the terrifying agoraphobic great wide open. 2.) The biggest lie in telling a story is pretending that you the teller are not there...

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1.) Humanity’s greatest skill, what arguably “separates” us from other animals, is our ability to apt to what there is to adapt to, to change our tools, our thinking, ourselves to new situations....

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1.) The hungry mermaids waited for more with baited breath. 2.) The story of the emergency replacement Santa “Christmas Steve”. 3.) Somehow I got to 39 before realizing that the comic actor name...

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1.) Every week, someone comments on how they didn’t notice I was somewhere, something I actually take pride in, while I am not stealthy for a normal person, I’m very stealthy for a giant oaf, I d...

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1.) The awfulness of raisins is the market-inefficiency in baked-goods Moneyball. Take any food-stuff with raisins in it, remove the raisins and suddenly you have a delicious food undervalued for...

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1.) Woke up singing a song that mashed STP’s “Sex Type Thing” and the Popeye theme together, as predicated on the “I am what I am, I am” overlap and… decided to go back to sleep. 2.) A soft reboo...

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1.) The congressperson with the worst manners gets to chair the Inappropriations Committee. 2.) Why do they call it “the scared straight program” when they could call it “prehabilitation”? 3.) Th...

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1.) A parody of that r&b song Crossroads about crossbows? 2.) Coachella seems like such a roiling hell of affluence, effluence and influence that no matter how great the concerts were, it wou...

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