Entries 3,460
Page 51 of 139
july 13
The newest friend request from an obvious pornbot was “Harris Vivian” which, like, I will give them this, an American woman’s name with the first and last name reversed IS slightly more believa...
july 12
It’s… beginning to look a lot like Christmas… aaaaaand it really bloooows… 745 am Saturday May 9th 2020. I wake up to the world in a coffee stained Mets shirt. The “president” is a fascist f...
july 11
Your new signature bagel will be the Asiago Osbourne. A serial killer who makes his living as a short order cook called The Griddler. If David Blaine ever injured himself during one of his ...
july 10
Are vegan goths “veglords”? If you’re in the arts for fame, seek help, the desire for fame for it’s own sake “Americans’ Disease” is a mental illness. If you’re in the arts for money, you’ve ...
july 9
The only proper pet-name for a vegan lover is a “Cutie-Tofutti”. Russian for “jetski” is “jetskiski”. Tomorrow, in Utah, they celebrate Cinco de Mayonnaise and they just do mayo shots with ...
july 8
I would definitely go to businesses more often if their ads were more honest. I would buy from McDonalds at least one extra time a month if their jingle were “Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Ba, It’s All You Can A...
july 7
If your fandom is being obsessed with tiny cars, you are a “Kiaboo”. I know you’d think that the thing that would deliver presents on Thanksgiving would be a turkey but you’d be wrong. This y...
july 6
A Christian science fiction show where robots re-create heaven in a theme park called “BLESSEDWORLD”. It will be TERRIBLE. A super-sized protective mask for a dude with a big old redneck bear...
july 5
There are a lot of similarities between Cinco de Mayo and Hannukah in that, in their actual cultural traditions, they’re minor holidays but they’re placed in good calendar spots to be celebrate...
july 4
I am still annoyed that the sequel to THREE NINJAS wasn’t called FOUR NINJAS. The day you realized the Snorks were so much like the Smurfs just because grown-ups are really really lazy is the...
july 3
Remember, the “Boston Tea Party” wasn’t about taxation without representation, that tax had long been repealed. It was local smugglers (“businessmen”) of Dutch teas protesting that legal Britis...
july 2
Oh, all the sudden the dog’s my good buddy when he smells I have barbecue ribs. I SEE HOW IT IS, OLLIE. I see how it is. If you’re just tearing down the paint toward a slam, are you dunk-driv...
july 1
The fact that “Tammy 2” is trending and it’s not about a Tammy And The T-Rex 2 is national tragedy. A collection of crudely-sketched cartoons of R.E.M. called Animatic For The People. He lo...
june 30
LESS SNOWING, MORE MOWING The problem with drinking only one cup of coffee this morning, so that I could go back to sleep after working the early shift, is that I woke up with a caffeine with...
june 29
100% unchangeable infallible belief in anything is a great way to invite confidence men to twist that belief against you. May as well mark your own back with chalk as a rube at a carnival. If l...
june 28
A book on curing insomnia through analytical psychology called THE JUNG AND THE RESTLESS. To this day, when I see the Expos logo, I have to squint to remind myself that they were going for a ...
june 27
Make Wal-Mart and Amazon pay their fair share of taxes, we can do another stimulus, go to Mars, cancel all student and medical debt and, hell, we can even build a couple next battleships for yo...
june 26
I’m not a man of faith, I’m not even a man of hope really, compassion is more my jam, but I’ll give you this one for free: either we are all God’s children or none of us are. We’re either each ...
june 25
. “Two Guys, A Girl And A Quiet Place” would be a great pop culture mash up. I’m sure someone’s working on a Bush parody called QUARANTINE. Terrify your children with tales of The Tooth Furr...
june 24
Democracy isn’t waking up to a Super Nintendo under the tree Christmas morning because you asked for it every day. Democracy is terribly difficult choices and terribly easy math. And screaming ...
june 23
If only Ollie were more familiar with the Rolling Stones catalogue, I’m sure he’d find me singing “I CAN’T GET NO, SASSY FAT DOG” to him funny. It’s astonishing the extent to which the fringe...
june 22
You can name your tiefling rogue “Thiefling”. It is not against the law. If you’re asking me to choose between human lives and the economy, well, assets to assets, dust to dust, peoples is pe...
june 21
You could name your life cleric Lester Restoration. I’m just saying here. It isn’t supposed to be this cold when the sun is out this early. Seasons, my dude, pick one. The Insane Clown Poss...
june 20
Yeah, well, what if it isn’t such a great googly moogly? What if it is merely an adequate googly moogly? What then? I fear that if I didn’t have sacrilege, I wouldn’t have any rilege at all. ...
june 19
Somewhere, there is a furry ruining a great banger of a song by singing it “uWu, Wewewowves of Wondon, uWu”. If you need to remember to social distance, think of how terrible Aerosmith’s cove...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
