Entries 3,429
Page 32 of 138
sept 29
If they were going to call the show “The Big Bang Theory” then they owed us witnessing all the characters dying a heat death in the end. It would’ve been the first interesting thing to happen i...
sept 28
She was briefly obsessed with lawn darts but that was just a summer fling. The lawns have risen to overthrow their suburban oppressors in GERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT HAY. Batman was disappointe...
sept 27
Did Futurama ever have a gag about a cologne advertised with a grizzled old-timey astronaut called Old Space? It just seems like a joke they’d make. An Indian-Israeli fusion dish called Tikka...
sept 26
The terrible truth of the world is, even if something is ethically cut and dried, that doesn’t make a potential lasting solution any less nuanced. We are in a world of troubles that shouldn’t b...
sept 25
(to the tune of All-Star) Rheeeeeett BUT-ler once told me, that he don’t wanna know me, said frankly that he don’t give a damn.... When call it an “acting teacher” when you could call it a “s...
sept 24
Someone must be a checkers grand-master. Ah yeah, the founding of a vanity political party, the desperate act of a narcissist running out of ways to glom the spotlight. Maybe the lyrics of ...
sept 23
I wonder if the Australians got revenge on us by advertising “Coors… American for Beer” on their native shores. Your terrible rap-metal song about Super Mario Brothers 3 will be called “I Did...
sept 22
We could totally call fan-conventions “stan mixers”. If only cooking reality shows had their contestants come out to personal theme songs, like professional wrestlers or closing relief pitche...
sept 21
Imagine enjoying media w/out a need to engage in fandom, endless discourse with the like-minded. None of the external validation of discussion & fanwank, no drama, no setting up camps or su...
sept 20
It’s like half renaissance fair, half murder mystery dinner. It’s a madrigal mystery tour! On the way to a drive-in movie, like a semi-responsible human being in still-uncertain times, drove ...
sept 19
A film about an attempt to populate an entire amusement park with Christopher Walken clones that goes terribly wrong called “WALKEN THE PARK”. The “Joe Rogan Experience” is having a tiny man ...
sept 18
At its best, writing can be generative meditation, a meditative state that produces work while refocusing your mind. It can be a waking dream, the same defragmentation REM state creates. Most o...
sept 17
You know what the trick was with the loaves & fish? The crowd was starved, even a bit would be a feast to each. Jesus & Friends could’ve had a light nosh but for a crowd it was a little...
sept 16
A musical version of King Kong called APE MISBEHAVIN’. Speed dating at the Michaels and they call it “Craft Singles”. Flanders, Long Island has big duck energy. A pre-owned car and a post...
sept 15
A parody of Steely Dan’s “FM” about satellite radio. “No signal at all, no signal at all, no signal at all… XM, no signal at all!” If you care about the deaths of a dozen Marines because it s...
sept 14
A dark comedy about factory workers damned to keep working their jobs even in death as ghosts called “Time Sheets”. A mystery about the journey to find a stolen family heirloom called “The Qu...
sept 13
During that brief period when people were ironically into sea shanties, you could’ve cashed in with the band name “The Pillage People” but that opportunity too is now lost to time like tears in...
sept 12
Do not name your meats before putting them in the oven. No, not even “Isabella Roastalini”. That’s clever, of course, but still morally wrong. It’s too bad Elektra isn’t the quippy sort becau...
sept 11
A great song about synesthesia would be “She Blinded Me With Silence”. Sonic the Hedgehog refuses chili dogs during Lent. If you ask him why, he will respond “Gotta go fast.” The part of th...
sept 10
If you get caught between the moon and New York City, best that you can do is hope that you’re at the equilibrium point where you’ll just float until you suffocate and freeze to death, as oppos...
sept 9
You pour a mimosa over your Crunch Berries. Congratulations, you have created Cap’n Brunch, the saddest invention of all. Kiefer Sutherland has a fully-absorbed vestigial conjoined twin named...
sept 8
Upon reflection, Burger King’s “Have It Your Way” slogan was incredibly passive-aggressive. It would be like McDonalds having a “You Think You Know Better Than Us, Huh?” slogan or Taco Bell run...
sept 7
Live Inside, Laugh at the Outside, Love Air-Conditioning. Malort is Chicago’s revenge on America for not getting to live in NYC or LA. Well-played, Illinois, well-played. Quarantining Rahm ...
sept 6
Has anyone ever asked Nickelodeon why they made Jimmy Neutron’s hair style look like the pinched-tip of the world’s creamiest shit? Anyone ever explain why they were going for that? Because… I ...
sept 5
When you’re in your 20s, you pop and lock to impress breakdance ladies on the floor. When you’re in your 40s, your joints pop and lock of their own accord. When no one notices your social med...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
