Entries 3,428
Page 3 of 138
aug 28
You know, you could totally write a column about drawing called Inkonclusion. You could! It’s okay to write about robots, don’t let anyone tell you there’s just literary devices. Oka...
aug 26
He named his penis “Scoville” as he considered it a unit of heat. Are the studios are killing physical media & crippling streaming, so we HAVE to buy their diminishing-returns remake...
aug 24
All slang is instantly dead the moment a big business uses it in an ad. “They got hoes, they got hoes, in different area Lowes!” he sang to himself, proving he was just about to need a ...
aug 22
A late Gen X poem: you took him to bed / because he played you “Crash” / you woke the next day / with one hell of a rash Why say “portable dip” when you can say “guacamobility”? If ...
aug 20
There’s only one archer in their entire cult and she wields The Compound Bow. Here’s another great name for an indie band: Mollusk Ringwald. A reimagining of the Demon Barber story i...
aug 18
I think someone just muted me for saying the Mets pitching situation is bad and it’s not gonna be fixed by signing even more kinda-acceptable #4-#5 starters. Like, you don’t have to be delus...
aug 16
Why say “flat bottom boys” when you can say “assless chaps”? I don’t call the Syracuse hockey rink “the Oncenter” not only because its real name is The Onondaga War Memorial but also bec...
birthdaybarrage
I am, admittedly, still disappointed that Amazon delivery cannot deliver me an Amazon. You are thrifting for old video games. Something catches your eye. “Ooo, Wii U” you think. An intru...
aug 12
Your childhood crushes from the films and television are now hocking placebic beauty creams on the home shopping conveyances. You are old now. Of course the Heartland is boring. Their st...
aug 10
A yacht club but for use on people who think it’s cool to buy yachts. Facebook is spamming me with ads about being a surrogate mother. It’s kinda hilarious for me personally, as I haven’...
aug8
“And you honour the presidents with a holiday?” Washington asked the time-traveler. “Yes!” “What do you… do for this holiday?” “Sell mattresses.” “Sell mattresses?” “Sell. Mattresses.” A...
prompt: side, title: the flattening of affectations
Jackie Gleason owned three sets of wardrobes. One for the winters playing golf in Florida, one for his live show touring and one for his time spent working on television projects in New York Cit...
aug6
All-Star games made sense when casual fans had no easy way to watch all the stars they wanted to on any given night. There’s kind of no fan-experience point to an All Star game now, other th...
aug4
HAMILTON but it’s about Linda Hamilton. 15 hip-hop musical numbers about what a douche-nozzle James Cameron is. You will cover the Moody Blues as country line dance songs as THE BOOTY MO...
aug2
Just singing to myself, to the tune of Du Hast, “TOO/TOO HOT/TOO HOT FOR/TOO HOT FOR T.V./TOO/TOO HOT/TOO HOT FOR/TOO HOT FOR T.V.” Probably the greatest crossover between progressive ro...
j31
A rockabilly warlock that constantly casts Elvis Blast. A country song called “Don’t Look For Love At Harbor Freight, Even If You Find It, Your Heart Will Break Three Days Later”. Fo...
j29
Only reason Clark Kent could afford the terrible pay at the beginning of a journalism career was that he could commute from his spacious affordable polar fortress and could literally eat by ...
j27
Nostalgia is the past eating the future while the present is being lied to that its own belly is full. It’s always important to remember that punk was created by upscale London fashion d...
j25
Ian Miles Cheong implies the existence of Ian Miles Cheeech, the most obnoxious anarcho-capitalist stoner of all time. Some kind of combination of a Ouija board and a slide guitar. Or at...
j23
The agility and dexterity she inherited from her family, parkour was a cinch for her. You might say she did it with… relative ease. ALL AROUND THE WORLD, STATUES CRUMBLE FOR ME / I’M REA...
j21
If you use your zap gun to commit regicide on the Prince of Space, that’s just laser heir removal, baby A Blue Oyster Cult parody “Don’t Squeeze The Charmin”? You know what’d be a gr...
j19
Move to Montana’s capital. Start a restaurant called “Helena’s Ham Basket”. It will be worth it, if only for the meme. This push to re-invent Martha Stewart as a feminist icon is so biza...
j17
If it’s a concept album, is the lead single a premise single? The “Hang In There, Baby” cat poster, except its on a crucifix and it says “Hang In There, Baby… It’s Friday!” Why say “...
j15
“Who is this ED,” she asked, “and why does he need so many boner pills?” “Quick! There’s been an accident in the transporter room and it’s duplicating Chief O’Brien!” “With the transport...
july 13
It’s always important to remember that the “heroes” of the Alamo only fought that battle because they didn’t want Mexico to force them to emancipate their slaves. And they lost! Handily! Tha...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
