Entries 3,459
Page 24 of 139
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If someone is eating a sundae on Twitch and you send them money to do it, even though they don’t know you in any meaningful way, that right there is an ice cream para-social. BOSOM BUDDIES wa...
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Put Christmas bows on each side of your headphones. Congratulations! You now have Bows Headphones. What was Eminem thinking, rapping about spaghetti? Who did he think he was, Def Boyardee? ...
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A movie where you unmask a wrestler and the mask attaches to your face, forcing you uncontrollably into the life of a luchador called THE SANTOS CLAUSE. Look, this is probably a moment where ...
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Don’t “toxic positivity” yourself, either. You don’t gotta say you’re AMAZING or GREAT or ALPHA or GIRLBOSS, faking it until you make that will only disappoint you. That’s too much pressure. Yo...
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If all your show has going for it is the maguffin of its “mystery plot” or the question “will the two blandly attractive leads have sex?” it could well be a huge hit at the zeitgeist’s whim, at...
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The day you gain access to magic, every year after, that’s your mannaversary. If you are from a blended Hindu/Jewish family, I just want you to know, you could probably sing “Bhagavad Gita” t...
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If you wear really flashy clothes that are nearly worn out, that style is called “glamshackle”. There were originally a sensible amount of vowels in the term for someone from Utah, but the Mo...
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I hope the next big social media is honest and just calls itself “Skinner Box”. I would appreciate the candor. Less “Significantly Advanced Science Posing As Magic” More “Bizarrely Tweaked Ma...
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For years, I genuinely thought the Johnny Cougar lyric was “Life goes on long after the threat of living is gone” and maybe that says more about me than it does Johnny Cougar. The idea of old...
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Old is when you hear a song you hated when they played it 10,000 times on the radio when you were young and… you still hate it but you leave it on because you’re nostalgic for the feeling of ha...
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You can start the finest Italian restaurant in Liverpool, England and call it “Penne Lane”. No one can stop you. Life is often brutal and always short and arbitrary, you make up your meaning. D...
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America’s “Tin Man” except it’s about the Thimble Theatre comic strip. “OH POPEYE DIDN’T HAVE NOTHING FOR THE SEA HAG THAT SHE DIDN’T, DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE”. Last minute costume idea: Blonde b...
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There is a slot on the side of a building. If you press a button, a sundae is pushed out of the slot for you and a voice yells “NOW LEAVE.” This is called an ice-cream anti-social. Socially n...
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I am just putting on a plaid patterned shirt and if anyone asks, this is my costume, “Smallville Clark Kent If He Kinda Let Himself Go”. I feel like we could mash up Cake’s Going The Distance...
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If the plural of “octopus” is “octopi” then logically the plural of “Jesus” is “Jesi”. People wonder what happened to Jon’s roommate Lyman from Garfield but now it can be told, he’s being hel...
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A vampire of short stature called Gnome Chompski. That “Wake Me Up” song by Evanescence but with the lyrics from A-Ha’s “Take On Me”. “TAKE ON ME! ya da ya da ya TAKE ME ON! ya da ya da ya” ...
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Why say “pasta magnate” when you can say “penne royalty”? An adaptation of the King Solomon story called “To Halve And To Hold”. Trying to drive in a sleet storm is an obstruction of just i...
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The world is so bonkers, you can be sitting in a pharmacy waiting for a vaccination & someone will walk up to you & try to talk you out of it, just to validate their worldview. Like, if...
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I hope your significant other says your name the same way Youtube Preppers say “kit” and “system”. “It appears that Victor’s flesh golem is a mute.” “That,” Van Helsing replied, “goes without...
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The liquor store whose lotto was always down, gone now, only vulgar doodles in its window dust left as epitaph. There is a seemingly closed auto shop near the Mohawk/Ilion line called “Frank’...
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SWEATY TODD: THE DEMON PERSONAL TRAINER OF FLEET STREET I mean, someone must’ve written a story about a vampire private investigator called STAKE OUT or at least a cattle-rustling noir called...
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A white guy rapper named Two Podcasts For Sure. He definitely has at least two podcasts. There are not enough artistic interpretations of The Hamburglar as a raccoon creature. Sell regular ...
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Difficult to not look back on my life as an almost endless string of amazing opportunities I botched through indecision or fear of hurting others to get what I want. But every new day’s a new c...
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Last night’s nightmare involved having to take the Math regents as an adult while a virus that scrambled peoples’ emotional responses was tearing through the community. You ask “Mike, why don’t...
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You know, we could start a whole new Kenny Rogers themed coffee chain, in the ashes of his chicken chain, and still use the name “Kenny Rogers Roasters”. It would still work perfectly. If you...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
