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Page 103 of 142

1.) Realize: whenever you use the letters “BAMF” for “badass mofo” I will never think that and always first think of Nightcrawler teleporting. 2.) Sometimes I just wanna watch delusional mall nin...

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1.) The skill-set focused on the care of rock-eating monsters is called “hortaculture”. 2.) You want my ten albums I was listening to a lot as a teenager thing? Sure. Melon Collie and the Infinit...

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1.) You didn’t just vote that one day. You vote every day you actively resist the normalization of hatred & greed. Or of course when you don’t. 2.) By undermining the very notion of ethical g...

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1.) All terrible white “redneck rappers” like Kid Rock should now be collectively referred to as “Meth Head Man”. 2.) Dianetics and Diuretics being so close together is great because they’re both...

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1.) If you’re of the orientation “aromantic”, that’s fine, do you do, but maybe pick a term that isn’t easily confused with “aromatic”. 2.) Fuse the Bechdel Test and the Turing Test, see if you c...

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1.) Throws open the doors of Heisenberg High School: “WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?” A bystander yells back “I’M NOT SURE!” 2.) Whenever facebook says “such-and-such was live”, I always want to wistfully...

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1.) Jesus always got away with leaving the door open. “What, were you born in a barn?” is not so effective when your answer is “YES”. 2.) After every clean colonoscopy, you should get to throw a ...

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1.) It’s the height of arrogance to believe things happen “for a reason” to teach you but without it, it’s hard to function in society at all. 2.) dear facebook memories, please stop remindin...

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1.) “Prilosec Omeprazole, NPR Boston” 2.) It was just as he feared, after years of fraternity keg stands, he’d finally torn his brotator cuff. 3.) Tell people your Potterverse House is Puffn...

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1.) Far less popular was the sequel about alien patissiers, SPACE EXTRUDERS. 2.) The failure of the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN film denied us a LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENITALS porn parody...

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1.) A viable alternate title to TWILIGHT would be DUNCES (WITH WOLVES). 2.) Gumby’s overly clean-cut storylines spared us of the episode where his mother discovers his stash of CLAYBOYS. 3.) I ho...

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1.) “Temporary profile pictures”, facebook? On a cosmic scale, that’s the only kind. 2.) Trying to win a ground war on horseback these days is a tankless job. 3.) Biologically, we’re no smarter t...

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1.) My recurring dreams are starting to cross over, cameo in each other, blur into a “cinematic universe” of my nightmares, it’s unsettling. 2.) The crowning achievement for the porn-parody indus...

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1.) If you find the works of Cronenberg erotic, that’s just bawdy horror. 2.) Secretly, honey badger cared a lot. Honey badger cared too much and tried to hide behind a protective facade of don’t...

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1.) They proposed tax cuts for the elder gods in hopes they might show mercy on us and called it “paganomics”. 2.) The little girl loved pretending to put on lipstick but it was all a pigment of ...

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1.) In Soviet Russia, mullet is party in front AND back, party is EVERYWHERE! 2.) Fittingly, the Hangover movies were like actual hangovers. Funny the first time, the second irritating, the third...

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1.) Solitude itself a kind of offering, to the angry god of lonely, in hopes after you leave your hermitage, you won’t have to be alone anymore. 2.) Just because it was trojan horsed onto a perve...

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1.) They call him Bobby Flay but I’ve never seen him violently separate Guy Fieri’s skin from his flesh so, like, false advertising. 2.) Irony: because actively showing displeasure for something ...

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1.) Your DEATH RACE sequel set in a zombie apocalypse with points for every hit zombie will, of course, be titled CANNIBAL RUN. 2.) Has there been a Harry Potter Chia Pet? Did they call it Hairy ...

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1.) The Cheesecake Factory would be slightly less lame if they all dressed up like factory workers & there was a Cheesecake Foreman. 2.) Pretty sure the internet believes coconut oil if you h...

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1.) If your ukulele is pitched-up high and extremely out of tune, it is a Yokolele. 2.) I don’t begrudge people their happy relationships but if you could stop being attractive once partnered, it...

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1.) Here’s hoping you heard of George Michaels’ death in a direct and honest manner not via some sort of careless whisper. 2.) To this day I can’t believe that Newt Gingrich is an actual corrupt ...

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1.) When I say “I threw my back out” I mean “I wanted to discard it for one that actually works”. 2.) When two clowns are a couple, all sex is make-up sex. 3.) Is it that famous people are dying ...

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1.) In role playing games, really fondle those dice before throwing your attack role. Try to find the criterous. 2.) I’m the Rogue One: A Star Wars Story of eligible bachelors. Flawed in some key...

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1.) I want a Quantum Leap where Sam is a waiter at a golf course who runs out of lemonade and invents the Arnold Palmer. 2.) Dating sites are a conspiracy by depression and anxiety medicine compa...

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