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1.) The Cheesecake Factory would be slightly less lame if they all dressed up like factory workers & there was a Cheesecake Foreman. 2.) Pretty sure the internet believes coconut oil if you h...

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1.) If your ukulele is pitched-up high and extremely out of tune, it is a Yokolele. 2.) I don’t begrudge people their happy relationships but if you could stop being attractive once partnered, it...

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1.) Here’s hoping you heard of George Michaels’ death in a direct and honest manner not via some sort of careless whisper. 2.) To this day I can’t believe that Newt Gingrich is an actual corrupt ...

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1.) When I say “I threw my back out” I mean “I wanted to discard it for one that actually works”. 2.) When two clowns are a couple, all sex is make-up sex. 3.) Is it that famous people are dying ...

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1.) In role playing games, really fondle those dice before throwing your attack role. Try to find the criterous. 2.) I’m the Rogue One: A Star Wars Story of eligible bachelors. Flawed in some key...

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1.) I want a Quantum Leap where Sam is a waiter at a golf course who runs out of lemonade and invents the Arnold Palmer. 2.) Dating sites are a conspiracy by depression and anxiety medicine compa...

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1.) Most importantly no law, revocation of right, no legal action or appointment is legitimate under a presidency attained by espionage & fraud. 2.) TRUE FACT: Elves poop bells and if they do...

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1.) Randomize your menu, call it Victuals of Circumstance. 2.) If you hold an outdoor EDM festival in December, you have to open your show with “Now is the winter of our disco tents”. 3.) Go to a...

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1.) To the tune of the Pink Panther’s theme “Dat Ass, Dat Ass, Dat Ass Dat Ass Dat Ass Dat Ass Dat Asssssss” 2.) Ordering spring rolls does not summon the end of winter. 3.) Your documentary abou...

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1.) Don’t care for incredibly melodramatic pop music? We’re sorry but dude, you’re gettin’ Adele. 2.) We have reached the point where Vicki Lawrence is now as old as the Mama character. 3.) If ou...

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1.) I hope that when the next civilization finds our wreckage, they find just enough to assume that Tony The Tiger was real. 2.) The CIA isn’t vague about Russia’s Trump collusion because they “c...

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1.) Someone should start a support group called Self-Promoters Anonymous and brag about it all the time. 2.) Funny how most “self-made men” are either fooling themselves about being self-made or ...

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1.) You’re either the kind of person who occasionally eats uncooked ramen like an ice cream bar or the kind who lies and says they don’t. 2.) Herpes acquired via incest is an Oedipus simplex. 3.)...

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1.) If they think “Leg Day” means exercise but it means “KFC dinner” to you, the miscommunication is their fault not yours. 2.) Mix colognes together, make a fragrencestein. 3.) I’m astonished th...

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1.) No, Gnarls Barkley, that doesn’t make you crazy. It might be one of the SYMPTOMS of your madness but it is hardly the cause. 2.) Officious Tree, Officious Tree, effusively obtrusive, Officiou...

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1.) I wonder if the Hitler sightings in Argentina were conmen who knew Nazi ex-pats would TOTALLY treat ‘em like kings if they passed as Hitler. 2.) If the WWF ever has an elderly division, they’...

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1.) A parody of “All The Young Dudes” about Gary Gnu? 2.) Name your cat “Mister Velvet Ears”. 3.) The only thing worse than idiots not knowing they’re idiots are people who are smart at one thing...

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1.) Buy a lot next to a brothel and start a service called Validated Porking. 2.) CANCHA SEE, CANCHA SEE, HOW THAT WOLFMAN BEEN CHEWIN’ ON ME 3.) SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD AND BILL’S TO BLAME, WILLIA...

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1.) If you’re a rodeo clown and you don’t call yourself “Silly The Kid”, you aren’t worth a damn. 2.) Whenever I see Entenmann’s Donuts, I imagine the trucks being driven by giant tree creatures....

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1.) WHOA, Sim City, bam a lam/WHOA, Sim City, bam a lam/Sim City, built a town, bam a lam/the damn thing burned down, bam a lam 2.) FASTER, JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS, WOUND, WOUND 3.) I felt three ...

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1.) If you need to name a Gorgon, name it Zola, unless you think that’s too cheesy. 2.) Your depressed superhero with camouflage powers will be called The Invisigoth. 3.) If Sonic steals Tails’ s...

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1.) Facebook pumped an ad into my feed “Most Anticipated Facebook Game 2016”. But… no facebook game has ever been anticipated. 2.) Issuing a Lake Effect Storm Watch in northern New York state in ...

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1.) Our age is defined by struggle against those who’d fake up systems of thought to justify cruelty & selfishness in an interconnected world. No one should go hungry sick or uneducated, we’v...

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1.) Crystalnacht Castles 2.) The Go-Goebbels 3.) The Zac Brownshirts Band 4.) Vichy Lawrence 5.) She And Himmler 6.) Reichstag Fire 7.) Blue Oyster Klan 8.) The Bungles

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1.) The hum of the fluorescent lights bleed out queasy faded green, not because they forget the words but because they hate what the words mean. 2.) Forgiveness and blame are the easy plays, cont...

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