Entries 3,460
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f6
“And this is my AAA card…” the tow truck drive looked at the card “You’re in the… Agnostics Against Abstinence?” “I’m in the AAA, yes.” So if India has Bollywood, is there a bindipendent...
f4
A redneck version of Yakov Smirnov called “Jake Whiskey”, as a first draft of the horror that eventually became “Larry The Cable Guy”. The cool new posters for the Phantom Menace re-rele...
f2
HP but, like, not Harry Potter. Like, Hewlett Packard And The Over-Priced Inks or whatever. A nature show in a ren faire that calls itself Mutual of Omaha’s Feudal Kingdom. An entire...
j31
Is there any worse sign for an animated film than an ad where they have side by side footage of the stunt-cast non-voice-actor celebrity recording the lead voice? They’re admitting there’s n...
prompt: human, title: the star in our faults
Learning is the first step and it is a necessary one. You gotta learn how to learn. Learning how to unlearn the greed and cruelty foisted upon you by culture and relearning the love you understo...
j29
To observe the functions of the CERN accelerator, you need to use a collideoscope. So, every area just gets to call their county fairgrounds swap meet “the world’s largest (something) sa...
j27
I don’t have a bit or a poem or a story to use the line “the only ethical consumption under capitalism is eating pussy” in yet. YET. Border collies are a real edge case. If they had ...
j25
A comedy routine about asking someone what their favorite coffee thing is, you say “affogato” and they say “it’s okay, I’ll help you remember”. A Cyprus Hill parody about being obsesse...
j23
A head canon where the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” is a song about the husband in the song “Jolene”. While Dolly’s singing about Jolene running off with her husband, this poor dude thought HE was...
j21
A parody of Brecht’s “Alabama Song” about the old school Thruway stops. “Well, show me the way to the Roy’s Fixins Bar / NO, DON’T ASK WHY / NO, DON’T ASK WHY”. You are to cover all the ...
j19
Crashing Bedrock’s economy through surreptitious clam farming. An ad for getting rid of ads is the most American thing ever created. MATZO MATZO MAN, I WANT TO BE A MATZO MAN Whe...
j17
The only correct answer for Tarantino’s final film is “Last Action Hero Remake”. A Ren and Stimpy / My Chemical Romance mash-up called “Welcome to the Yak Parade” ft. Weird Al’s “Weasel ...
j15
If you warm up left-over jalapeno poppers the next day, that’s just T.G.I. Saturdays, baby. I like to think that the guy who invented Pizza Hut, Bill Hut, had a sports car he called The ...
j13
The ability to tell when someone’s into anyone other than you is not the most useful superpower, but it’s a good one for the back of the trading card. “Walkin’ Into Spiderwebs” by Gwen S...
j11
Why say “laser tattoo removal” when you can say “deconstructive surgery”? A Pennsylvania themed fashion line, just so you can get around to “The Gettysburg, A Dress”. We spend life l...
j9
Why say “counterfeit” when you can say “funmarked bills”? a robot named Shirley Template why say “anime masturbation injury” when you can say “yaoi owie”? A mathematical tangent ...
j7
Replace that angry British chef with Donald Duck, call it THE MALLARD REACTION. Pee Wee Herman and He-Man mashed together into Her-Man. A romantic arc for your Open Hand monk charact...
j5
A mash-up of The Waterboys “Fisherman’s Blues” and Lord Huron “Mine Forever” could be in the trailer for every indie film until the end of time. A Fiona Apple parody about people going s...
j3
A ninja flick about a drunken-boxing-style fighter who has switched to hard seltzer for his health called FIST OF THE WHITE CLAW. There’s a way to mash up DUCK TALES and CALL ME AL but I...
j1
But the best mash-up of all, I realized, would be of Dolly Patron’s “9 to 5” and Moby’s “Run On”. If I ever lose a limb to The Sugar, the stampy-stamp of my wooden peg will be my Carbin’...
dec30
If you want to get a doctorate in culinary school, you’ll have to defend your dessertation. Post-TARDIS Stress Dalek. It yells “DISSOCIATE! DISSOCIATE!” Is there anything less creati...
dec 28
You can’t spell “palimpsest” without “im”. Today, I was either dressed as “Johnny Cash on casual day” or “a beatnik with a day-job” or “a priest on incognito sabbatical”, depending on wh...
dec 26
There is a great joke, somewhere, in the line “Jojo Siwa, Your Wife Is Calling” but the Venn Diagram between knowing mid-Eighties Richard Pryor films and knowing 2010s internet celebrity cul...
dec 24
The male equivalent of The Flying Nun is The Air Friar. When I see that noseless mutant from the FALLOUT series, all I can think is “NYEH HEH HEH, COWBOY SKELETOR!” A doomsday preppe...
dec 22
Is there any more pre-fab a cultural force than reality television? It doesn’t get half the ratings scripted television does, but it’s 20 times cheaper as it cuts out the writers and actors’...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
