Entries 3,481
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m22
The Bagel Bites jingle as a slow mournful bluegrass dirge. “Pizza… in the… morning. Pizza in… the evening. Pizza.... at supper… time. When pizza is on a bagel.... you can have… pizza… anytim...
m20
At wizard libraries, they don’t have Summer Reading Challenges. They do have Summoner Reading Challenges but, most of the time, the prizes just end up burning down a peasant town. An ad ...
m18
Standing room tickets at concerts only exist as part of a conspiracy between Ticketmaster and Big Lower Back Surgery. French cows be thanking you all “mooey bien”. One of the highest...
m16
The Stations of the Crossfit! Blaspheme your way to fitness! I wonder if a youth pastor has tried connecting with The Youth by saying “Now, Jesus was a very charismatic speaker… which ma...
m14
Our shared humanity should supersede every other sub-identification, real or imagined. We should see every other person as exactly us, under the meaningless layers. It doesn’t, though, it ha...
m12
Why say “macaroni butter” when you could say “elbow grease”? If there’s a God & an afterlife anything like near-Eastern monotheism suggests, I guarantee you when you proclaim your re...
m8
Ultimately, the timing of their heights wasn’t quite enough in tune to get us around to “Fiona Snapple” and that’s a shame. Next time someone is trying to get dates by showing himself in...
m6
I wonder if at any point in his career, someone told Ted DiBiase “hey, if you’re playing a bad guy, you should call yourself Ted Deviousi instead, that’s a good wrestling name”. At the r...
m4
I have like ten ideas about the Ben Folds Five album cut “Jackson Cannery” but obscurity is no aid to comedy. A parody about a lich and it’s “and I’ve got my phylactery”? Mash it up with Jam...
m2
Oh no! The only frozen treat the truck sells is vegan tofutti pops! Goddamn the Good Humourless Man! You will cover Rush songs in a death metal style as TOM SLAYER. Did we ever get a...
f28
Doing something terrible and then defending yourself with “well, other people have gotten away with it before, so I should be able to as well, it’s only fair!” is the rock-bottom argument fo...
feb 26
Why call them “final exams” when you could call them “the testival”? The Fast and the Curious George”. That’s it. That’s that pitch. She’s a 10 but will only address you as “MORTAL!”...
f24
Why say “atomic half life” when you could say “shrinkflation”? A biting satire of all novelty records called “It Was The Monsters’ Thanksgiving”. A retro video-game chip-tune band ca...
f22
The Nicholson Joker whispering to you seductively “wait’ll they get a load in ME!” Why say “the drinks are on the house” when you can say “roof beer”? Repelling Amish Superman with h...
f20
Skeet Ulrich IS Stanley Kowalsky IN “A Skeetcar Named Desire”. The only person who jumps to championship conclusions after just a little success faster than a Jets fan is a Knicks fan. H...
f18
I just keep hearing “will o the wisp” as “we’ll all go west” in this song and I think it says something about me. You can’t just yell OH NO! I MADE A PENGUIN MISTAKE! and not expect peop...
f16
the Nine Lives Ranch was an open minded community. while it was ruled by a matriarchy of catgirls, it had its place for catboys as well as those who were nyan-binary. Movies are so dark...
f14
“Double check this stool sample for me” the doctor said, confused and concerned, “this shit doesn’t make any sense.” A great pun, but also a terrible mental image, lay inside the phrase ...
f12
Dear Hidden Valley Ranch, Pickle Ranch should’ve stayed Valley Hidden. Whenever some “MRA” or whatnot calls himself an “Alpha” ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS RESPOND “…you’re the robot on Power Ra...
f10
It’s not the art that tortures the artist, the art is joy. The torture is living in a world ill equipped to value the art. Your best drinking buddy is your swignificant other. Super ...
f8
A mash of Even The Nights Are Better and the Lavrene and Shirley theme. Comedy childcare injuries are treated in the Peekaboo ICU. It was terrible that Michael Richards was racist as...
f6
“And this is my AAA card…” the tow truck drive looked at the card “You’re in the… Agnostics Against Abstinence?” “I’m in the AAA, yes.” So if India has Bollywood, is there a bindipendent...
f4
A redneck version of Yakov Smirnov called “Jake Whiskey”, as a first draft of the horror that eventually became “Larry The Cable Guy”. The cool new posters for the Phantom Menace re-rele...
f2
HP but, like, not Harry Potter. Like, Hewlett Packard And The Over-Priced Inks or whatever. A nature show in a ren faire that calls itself Mutual of Omaha’s Feudal Kingdom. An entire...
j31
Is there any worse sign for an animated film than an ad where they have side by side footage of the stunt-cast non-voice-actor celebrity recording the lead voice? They’re admitting there’s n...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
