Entries 3,434
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dec 18
I feel like the only thing worse than watching Coachella on YouTube would be actually attending Coachella in 120 degree heat with 15,000 trust-fund influencers sweatily TikToking each others...
dec 14
Sometimes you just gotta psych yourself up for an insulin shot by chanting “Needlejuice, Needlejuice, NEEDLEJUICE!” We got skin-divers, we go frogmen, we got scuba dudes, we have diverse...
dec 12
You raised us, constantly telling us how we were destined for greatness and the best at everything, and now you say we got a generational praise kink. Like, yeah, you did that to us, yes. ...
dec 10
Make your mind up, Maybelline. Yes or no. This internal debate has to end with a decision, Maybelline. You can’t live like this, you’re reached a point of branching and you just have to pick...
dec 8
On one level, GREASE is about how if you really love someone, you should change everything about yourself for them, but on another level GREASE is about all teenagers looking like they’re th...
dec 6
The interesting thing about artistic success is how it automatically undoes itself, like one of those toys where you press a button and a hand pops out to turn itself back off. Your muse is ...
dec 4
Being between two radio markets & hearing two classic rock stations both play the same playlists w/ slightly different timings for different local adbreaks, it really breaks the radio ka...
dec 2
Sometimes I think about how “Faith of the Heart”, the theme to STAR TREK ENTERPRISE, was essentially the hair metal band Warrant’s failed ballad “Blind Faith” with the numbers filed off. ...
nov 30
Real talk: how many disability fetishists gonna stare directly into the eclipse with just the WEIRDEST boners? The only thing worse than test-marketed-within-an-inch-of-its-life by-commi...
nov 28
If you enjoy the eclipse because of the aesthetic beauty or the science of it, that’s wonderful, please enjoy it, but let’s not pretend it’s such a rarity. Eclipses are pretty common, it’s j...
nov 26
When you’re blanketed in thirst traps on social media, that becomes a thirst tarp. I like to think that Baton Rogue has a suburb, to the south, called Couilles Bleu. Let’s stop calli...
nov 24
People don’t want to just see naked people anymore. We’re all too inured by all the pornography in history at the touch of a button. You gotta adapt. You gotta go value added. You gotta b...
nov 22
You know what’d be a bonkers cheapie mash-up flick? MARS NEEDS WOLFMEN. Hitting on Swamp Thing with the line “Get off, my lawn!” CAKE BOSS implies the existence of CAKE HUMAN RESOURC...
prompt: name, title: perfect from now on
“No one will ever love you just for your looks,” she told him off-handed once, “you’d better get real-rich or real-interesting if you don’t wanna end up alone.” Was it a joke? Did she even say i...
nov 20
A D&D game where the big bad is Zach Morris and his eldritch time-stopping powers. Your players are all basically the other Saved by the Bell kids… Screech is an artificer, Lisa’s a glam...
nov 18
I’ve never been able to tolerate a full episode of SEX IN THE CITY, of course, I don’t even remember if it’s IN THE CITY or AND THE CITY. But it just feels like there would be an entire epis...
nov 16
We take our antihistamines to stave off the histameanies. Jesus croaked once and came back, that’s amazing, but Kermit the Frog croaks every day and is still walking around, why is there...
nov 14
A parody of “Once Twice Three Times A Lady” about how we on our fifth instance of winter this year. This short human life is filled with both crushing grief & jawdropping wonder, nei...
nov 12
My personal favorite synedoche, a figure of speech in which a part is made to represent the whole or vice versa, like when people call all vampires “Draculas”, is when I pretend every lead s...
nov10
The film HOWARD THE DUCK except the duck costume is, in every frame, replaced by the image of Danny Devito. Not in a duck costume, just normal clothes Danny Devito. But everyone still acts l...
nov8
A goofily cartoon-y exaggerated version of Buddhism called Karmic Sans. Petition to set the Scarlet Witch’s birthday as June 1st, so that some day someone can insert a sick “Happy birthd...
no 6
I like to believe that Mr. Potatohead’s first name is Starchibald. Mister Starchibald Potatohead, Esquire. When they tell you you’re superior to some other group, they’re just setting yo...
no 4
Another good name for a band? “Sexpiration Date”. Whenever Superman shows up to an art reception, he is always disappointed by the metaphorical meaning of “light refreshments”, what with...
no2
“Fuck me dude” is equally the statement of a horny surfer and a depressed pirate. Why call it “swinger looking for a unicorn” when you can call it “the three-body problem”? No one sa...
halloween in hell barrage
Back in college, before he got into silver and gold mining, he was known as Futon Cornelius. Was “Fred Flintstone” short for “Frederock Flintstone”? Why call it a “tenderizer” when y...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
