Entries 127
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Long Live The Queen
My family lost its matriarch, again. We lost my Gran December 2022, and her sister passed this morning. This means my mom’s older sister is now the matriarch. Long may she reign. My great aunt ...
priorities
The dumpster fire that is our world is taking up so much mental space. Everyone is worried, it doesn’t matter what side of the border you’re on. I am so sad for the average American. But I’m PIS...
It's getting easier
… to say I have a good life. I want to be more pragmatic about my work. Acknowledge the means-to-an-end that it really is. I do what I do because it provides stability I was unable to find elsew...
Stuck
I’m doing all the right things, and yet I still feel stuck. Last week was a hard one, and for no good reason. Monday I went to the gym, didn’t get the usual exercise induced headache, but ended...
Resolutions 2025
I’m cleaning the slate. I’m not using my usual template for Resolutions this year. Buy Nothing Year - The crux of it is wanting a barrier between me and spending. I’ve been watching/reading Bu...
Annual Survey 2024
I have been doing this same survey since 2014, but since I jumped journals I don’t have the full archive anymore. 2022 2023 What did you do in 2024 that you’d never done before? Context matter...
getting better
When I saw my doc on the 6th and told her how I’ve been feeling, she looked surprised, almost shocked. Not wanting to die and not thinking about other people dying constantly has entirely change...
lick your brain
Hyperfixating on people is awful. I honestly don’t know how to tell a crush from a hyperfixation, until it wears off. I’ve maintained crushes for decades, but a hyperfocus on a person dissolves ...
life is lifeing
I’m in a fractionally better headspace this week, though that might tank since M is gone for a week for testing again. He’s positive he’s going to fail. We were talking about this, this evening,...
back to work
Well, this seems to be a pattern. When I am actively trying to give my brain some distance from work I can’t write. On Thursday I went to the gym, then I went to talk to the PA. She was nice, g...
It's super effective! /s
Oooh boy yesterday was a doozy. On my way to the gym I called for a walk in appointment with our health services folks. After the gym a mental health nurse called me to assess… I guess my leve...
laughable
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got written up. I’m not even going to try to say it was not justified. There are aspects that they are 100% correct about. But they also put in the part about m...
I feel sick
Like, not ill. Like something is eating away at me from the inside. Like a vague nausea. Like anxiety and depression and hopelessness and ungratefulness and rage and this desperate aching desir...
anxiety
I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. My brain has been fighting me on everything. I went back to work after our little anniversary extended long weekend to find out that I was put on a t...
Ten Years
Last Saturday was our 10th wedding anniversary. We usually take some time off around the holiday, and we do try to do a little trip (we’ve done St. John’s and Toronto, and I feel like there’s an...
TW: Grief
My Godmother died October 1st, at about 9am. Her friend J was with her in the end, and J kept my sister informed as things happened. I didn’t feel anything except vague relief. That’s not enti...
What Sarah Said
TW: palliative care What Sarah Said About two weeks ago, my Godmother was admitted to the hospital with a mystery chest infection. Now, the back story is that my Godmother has had MS as long a...
A Very Late Entry About My Birthday.
I have written about my problem with disappointing birthdays before. So when we started planning a trip to the Island with mom for the weekend of my birthday I was worried that I would find “my ...
another long long weekend
If I didn’t work… I sat with that sentence for some time. I had started to say, “If I didn’t work, my life would be better”. But when I typed the word “work”, my brain interjected “for my emplo...
some good
I had the best day last Sunday. I want to start here because it was such a good day. Red was visiting her parents, so Red’s husband, Mandy, Red’s husband’s bestie and I went to a local brewery th...
Yeah I suck at this now.
I am so disconnected from my people here. I feel like I will never catch up. And I never will if I don’t actually read your posts. It annoys me, the stupid cycle of - thing exists - thing makes m...
I don't want to
I’m here because my mood is telling me to write, but my brain is being uncooperative. I opened this page, saw I had a FB notification, went to check it, fiddled around on FB, remembered I was su...
life resumes
M is home. He got home last Friday. The difference in both of us since his return is actually mind boggling. The anger and apathy that plagued his texts is basically gone. The low feelings and p...
still here
My feelings about M’s absence improve greatly when we’re able to talk on the phone. I hate the phone. But I also can’t infer M’s state of mind from texts, especially when they’re always angry ran...
emotionally compromised
I have been mainlining Star Trek. Before M left we watched all of the star trek movies. Well, “all”, up until 2009 (which is where the title reference comes from. Since he left I’ve been rewatc...
Book Description
Pretty self-explanatory