Weekends: The Sadness continues. in Each Day

The short week was good for my brain. But I’m having a hard time not feeling generally miserable without M.
On Wednesday I got a call from the optometrist that my glasses were ready! I settled on a red/clear cat eye pair and a black/grey rectangular pair. I’ve been wearing the black ones a lot, the red ones are… flashy. And despite ~gestures to the too muchness~, sometimes I don’t want to be flashy. It’s been weird adjusting to them. At first putting them on bothered my eyes. Then looking into the distance bothered my eyes. Then taking off my glasses bothered my eyes. And I mostly wore them the entire weekend.
The thing is, I haven’t had a headache since Wednesday. That’s gotta be a fucking record. Taking them off is a whole thing now. I’m surprised this happened this quickly. But as someone who has never been tethered to assistive hardware it definitely freaks me out a little. It’s been weird to see my reflection in the mirror too. 41 years without glasses, it’s not exactly a surprise, but it is an adjustment.

On Friday my boss called me into his office to complete the final quarter review, which is literally the ONLY performance review I have received since joining. When I got to my wing in 2018, one of the Sgts I became friends with made a recommendation to start a document, and anything you do outside your usual scope of work, put it in the document. And I did. And this came in VERY handy when my career was imploding, as evidence that I was both proactive and also learning the specifics of both my former and new trades.
But I kept keeping records. And they kept not counting for anything. Now that I’ve been promoted, these records mean something. This was the first performance review I had in… maybe my entire shoddy career? where the “constructive criticism” was “keep learning how to do your job”, and not performance failures, which I now realise were definitely tied to ADHD. Even jobs I loved I got shitty feedback about. And I never understood why it was that the only time I found out I was doing anything subpar was at performance review time. I don’t do well with once a year feedback. Give me feedback on the spot. Because by the point I’m told my performance is subpar, I’m not even thinking about the times they’re referring to, and I might not even remember the specifics.

I saw the physicians assistant on Friday morning. They extended the medical limitations for my right arm and my left knee. Fortuitously they extend beyond the fun run next month. Whoever thought fun and run belonged in a sentence together… well clearly didn’t have my physique or physiology. In a month and a half I’ll go back and if the knee isn’t better then they might send me to physio. It has improved. But right when I start feeling secure in it not acting up, it acts up again. Only twice in a last 2 weeks, which is great, but still no times is preferable.

Next week is the RCAF Centennial Gala, which somehow means I get to wear a gown instead of my uniform, which is pretty cool. Red is coming with me, I did NOT want to go alone. I tried my dress on today and I’m sad that it doesn’t fit better now than it did at my wedding. But it does fit. The stability in my weight gives me a sense of comfort. This is a dress I fit in in 2014. And I can still wear it in 2024. I’ll take it.

The weekend… it existed. I ate some weed and played a lot of video games. I’m close to the part in Kena where I got stuck, before I started the game over, so I’m feeling a little frustrated there isn’t more gameplay before the end. I’m also trying to figure out what to play next… Horizon Forbidden West is out on PC now (I’m picking off the last few items on Horizon Zero Dawn, not quite ready to give up on Aloy and Friends), but I don’t want to spent the $80 or whatever… I told M I’d try to hold off for a sale, but I probably won’t be able to wait that long. Plus M hates the machine noises, so it’s almost better to play it while he’s gone.
I was considering starting Fallen Order over and then follow it immediately with Survivor. That’s A LOT of gameplay.
I did start rewatching ST:Discovery tonight. First three episodes, no crying (M calls it Cry Trek).

I got trapped in ADHD paralysis for the first time in a while this evening. Really struggling with everything seeming pointless. I’m noticing the mess accumulating around me and my logical brain knows I need to stay on top of it but between ADHD and creeping depression, it’s hard. Bird Guy told me to get up and get a glass of water, and the authority with which he said it (in text) made it easy to comply. Why yes, I am surprisingly submissive. No one expects that from me. The bravado is a front 😘

Anyway, Valentino very much would like my attention, so I’m going to go crawl into bed, and cuddle his Royal Highness.
Good night.